As 2012 quickly draws to a close, I’ve been spending a lot
of time reflecting. It’s so funny how this time of year people seem to get
caught up in setting resolutions, getting fit, deciding that this next year is
going to be the year! I’m guilty of it too… always living in the future, and
never really focusing on the present moment. Realistically I do set minor
resolutions every year… sometime they stick, and sometimes they don’t. Really,
I’m more about working on little things daily, and think it is mostly
unrealistic to set a resolution for an entire year… sure I have things I’d like
to change about myself, and things I’d like to work on… but who says they have
to be determined on January 1st?
Actually, since my birthday is in June, I tend to set minor
New Years resolutions, and then when my birthday rolls around 6 months later it’s
a time to be able to refresh and think “ok what do I want to do with this next
year of my life” it’s almost like
getting a do-over if I’m totally slacking…
Overall, I’m not really sure what to make of this past year.
Fairly early on in the year my dad pulled me aside and told me that this was
going to me my year. He admitted he had no idea what that meant, and that he
felt like God had told him that. And really, this year was fairly epic. I moved
into a house that I love, I applied to graduate school, I unexpectedly fell in
love, I met and connected with some amazing people, I pushed myself, and I was
able to take some time to really figure out what my priorities are, and what I
want in my life. So really who is to say that it wasn’t my year? Yes, things
didn’t really turn out the way I had hoped they would, and mostly I’m just left
feeling frustrated and vulnerable and exceptionally lonely… which is kind of
exactly where I started the year. Then again… maybe I still have another 6
months for things to fall into place.
I’ll try not to bring everyone down with my pretty much
constant state of glum… I know it’s a process, and I’ll snap out of it
eventually. Life goes on, heartbreaks mend, I’ll go back to work in a few weeks
and be able to throw myself into projects… It’s what I do every year, but at
least it keeps me going. But really what
I’m trying to focus on now is what I have learned about myself through this
year… and actually its good. After working in the wedding industry for the past
four years, I’ve become a little bit jaded. Or at least I thought I had. I was
totally cynical about love, weddings, acts of romance… and I still mostly am. I
do not want a trail of rose petals or breakfast in bed, I think giant weddings
are a nightmare, and think that anyone who hires a dj should be punched in the
face (sorry to all you djs out there… ) But this year I discovered that there
is that type of all consuming inexplicable love out there that sort of melts
you in ways you never expected… and all of a sudden I was thinking about my
life in ways I never had before. For the
first time, the idea of a future with someone seemed to fit seamlessly, and it
was like I didn’t even realize that my life didn’t make sense before I met this
person… and I know that heartbreak isn’t something new… but I’m in this place
right now where I can still see the before and after… and its really hard to
try and settle back into the “before.”
To say that my life didn’t make sense before this person isn’t
exactly what I mean. I’m really secure in who I am, and what I’m doing, and the
type of person I am, and the type of person I want to be. Life was fine before
I met this person, and life will be fine now… but “fine” is so banal. Who wants
to go through life if things are just fine? Shouldn’t we all be actively pursuing
a life that is extraordinary? Again,
trying to no lose sight of this… and I know that I still am the master of my
own fate… that I can still live an extraordinary life on my own, and am trying
to do this, maybe not on a daily basis (I can’t really claim that I’ve striving for this recently, since I’ve
been in sweatpants for almost 3 days… ) But
what I am realizing is that I’m over the whole “going through life alone”
thing. Sure it offers a lot of freedom, and I’ve had time to be really selfish
and go after my own goals, and establish my own identity, and become really
comfortable with who I am… and I’m over it. I am so ready to commit, to start
living a life with someone else, to merge schedules and interests, and resources,
and to get wrapped up in someone else’s life for a change. I want to be
attentive to someone else's needs and wants… because I know who I am on my own…
and haven’t really ever had a real chance to figure out who I am when I’m with
someone… and I’m so ready for that.
And I got a glimpse of it, and just when things started to
get interesting, and real it all fell apart. Maybe what I’m trying to get at,
is that this year opened up my eyes to see how things could be… and let me tell
you, it’s hard to go backwards. It’s hard to just stand by and let your life go
back to the way it was… it’s especially hard when it is not by choice… I mean, who
knows… maybe the events of this year were just a precursor to open me up to new
things and new possibilities... “everything happens for a reason” and all that
jazz (if one more person says that to me, FYI, they will be punched in the
face)….
BUT all that being said… its almost the New Year… and I can’t
really mope around the house for much longer.
And since I can’t really do a damn thing about discovering who I am in a
relationship, I am just going to continue to fine-tune my single-self .
Below is my 2013 Manifesto
2013
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This year I will…
LIVE UP TO MY POTENTIAL
EAT
MORE VEGETABLES FOR BREAKFAST - I
WILL WORK OUT UNTIL IT SHOWS- DRINK
GOOD COFFEE (& GOOD WINE)
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I WILL LISTEN,REALLY LISTEN, TO OTHERS &
TO MY HEART
WRITE OFTEN & MUCH
READ VORACIOUSLY
Smile More
MEDITATE
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CULTIVATE MY YOGA PRACTICE
IMPROVE MY POSTURE
I WILL MAKE NEW MISTAKES
(& LEARN FROM THEM)
I
WILL BE BRAVE & PATIENT & APPROACH NEW SITUATIONS WITH AN OPEN MIND
& OPEN HEART