Autumn in photos

"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns". ~George Eliot

Fall Soundtrack

Sometimes  you just need to drive. It know, its not great for the environment, and with gas prices what they are, its not great for my budget… I’m not sure where it stems from… maybe living in the middle of nowhere for a good chunk of my life… but I find driving to be rather soothing. Today was a perfect fall day, crisp, dry… the colors are finally starting to pop on the trees… and I found myself with a two hour commute to a meeting. Blissful. The sunroof was open… the playlist was set, and I spent the entire time singing to myself and clearing my head.

I have a very distinct fall soundtrack… I’m not exactly sure why, but every year around this time I am drawn to the same few albums. I also have a stellar autumn play list, that is filled with sort of haunting and cozy music… every time I play it I am tempted just to start cooking stews and curling up with a pile of knitting. All the songs really resonate, and are somewhat haunting. I realized after playing it all of last fall that there is a really interesting mix of love songs, and breakup songs intermixed throughout… sort of perfect for the Fall of 2010… maybe it was a bit of foreshadowing. Either way, it is deliciously moody… and I kind of love it.

If I don’t have my playlist handy… here are a list of albums than I’m constantly returning to this time of year.

She & Him Volume I & II.

This has nothing to do with my ridiculously huge girl crush on Zooey Dechanel. (has anyone watched The New Girl?  I’m pretty sure we would be best friends.) I think her voice is fantastic, and kind of vintagey sounding. Truth be told, I listen to these albums in all seasons… but they seem to fit in with the fall particularly well.  I saw She & Him in concert last October…and I loved their overall energy… 

Dave Matthews: Some Devil

Ok I know, I know… its his solo album… and the whole thing is a little whiney sounding. That being said it has that wonderful moody quality that I love in my music this time of year. I mean come on, doesn’t “Stay or Leave” just break your heart a little? It also has my all time favorite line “Wake up naked, drinking coffee. Making plans to change the world, while the world is changing us. You used to laugh under the covers, maybe not so often now… the way I used to laugh with you was loud and hard.” 

Ray Lamontagne : Till the Sun Turns Black  & Gossip in the Grain

These might actually be my dessert island cds…  These are the type of albums that make me want to curl up next to the fire with a snifter of brandy (and I don’t even drink brandy) and just write poems. Barfly gets repeated over and over again on my morning commute, and “I still care for you” gives me chills every time I listen to it. 

The Decemberists: The Crane Wife

I don’t know why, but “Sons and Daughters” just makes me want to go to an orchard and pick apples. 

KT Tunstall: Acoustic Extravaganza

I love this album. It is playful, and irreverent, and beautiful. Great belt it out in the car songs… and every time I listen to this, it makes me with I could play the guitar. 

John Mayer :Heavier Things

This album came out the fall of my Freshman year of college and I still adore it. As douchy as John Mayer can be, this is one of my all time favorite cds. The only song I tend to skip over is Daughter’s, and that is only because it was overplayed on the radio. Clarity is often on my yoga playlist, as it has the perfect rhythm for Sun Salutations, as does Split Screen Sadness… and hello once again with the perfect mix of moodiness. “I called… because… I just…. need to feel you on the line… don’t hang up this time.”

It might not be the perfect fall line up… but its my perfect fall line up. (haha, maybe this is why I’m in such a funk… my music is too mellow and whiny…. But I dig it)

I'm that girl at the grocery store, and no you cannot date my dog.

I just got back from one of those trips to the grocery store, in which you pray and hope the entire time that you don’t run into anyone you know.  At 9PM I realized that Toby has puppy class tomorrow, and is almost out of training treats… So there I was, at the store buying the jumbo pack of turkey hot dogs… and he also needed some baby wipes (for wrinkle cleaning) I needed tampons, and to round out the purchase I picked up a quart of chocolate milk… why not? I try not to judge people… but sometimes, like in line at the grocery store… it is easy to jump to assumptions. I have often felt like I’m kindred spirits with the person in front of me when I see we have most of the same items, or all items I wish I was buying… I start to think about what he or she might be making with the ingredients, what I might make with the ingredients etc.  And then there are the times when the person in front of you is buying one can of cat food, Twilight, a pack of lighters, and maraschino cherries… and you sort of have to wonder what is happening… Tonight I was that person, with my jumbo pack of half-priced hot dogs, my chocolate milk, and feminine hygiene products… I was an awkward moment waiting to happen. I would just like to clear the air and say that I would normally never buy hot dogs… let alone a price reduced jumbo pack of hot dogs. (I have, and will continue to buy myself hotdogs at baseball games… and maybe a polish dog from costco here and there…) And as sad as I’m sure I looked in the self-checkout line, hoping no one would notice me… I would just like to say to the world that my night was not spent consuming hot dogs and chocolate milk in a sad and lonely state… I was making treats for my mutt.

And speaking of Toby… he was asked out on a date last night. It started out really randomly, when a guy that I hung out with one time like a million years ago (aka 10 months) popped up out of nowhere and facebook asked me where I got my dog. We chatted for a bit about Toby… and he confessed he was seriously looking for a bulldog, etc etc, and I started to think, maybe this was the universe giving me a second chance. He was cute when we hung out, unfortunately I was totally crushing on some other guy, and though I flirted a little bit, I totally threw in the towel because I had just gotten off an 11 hour work day, was exhausted, and was limping around because I just had my tattoo touched up. In other words, I pulled into my shell, wanted to go home, and completely blew it. Hindsight, you know? So suddenly 10 months later, here he is, confessing his love of bulldogs… and in the back of my mind, I’m thinking “ok maybe this is our ‘meet cute’ Maybe I get a second chance. Maybe things are starting to turn around and the universe is finally giving me a break.” And then he says to me “can we go on a date this weekend?” And at this point I’m pretty sure the universe is finally starting to make up for all the awkwardness and uncomfortable situations. So I casually say “I’ll be around this weekend….. hahah, and Toby will be too of course” trying to play it cool… and he replies with “oh… I was thinking about the dog… but ”.  And once again, everything was back to it’s awkward self.  I still sort of kept trying to feel out the situation, thinking that maybe it really was him trying to play it cool, maybe he really was trying to get to my through my dog… maybe he was just trying to play it cool and using the dog as an excuse? But the more we talked, the more I realized, he was trying to get to my dog through me.

And the awkwardness kept building. The joking manner of the conversation continued, and before I knew it he was saying things like “it’d be great. We could have joint custody without dealing with the messiness of divorce” and “my next long term relationship is going to be with my dog… and I am ready for that long term relationship.” All the while I’m thinking “Hello, my dog and I are a package deal!” He finally said “hey, I haven’t seen you in a while, how are things, what have you been up to.” Meanwhile I’m thinking “we hung out once in a group setting… you’ve hardly seen me ever!” but we continued with the small talk, I gave him the name of the bulldog breeder… and he may or may not show up on Saturday expecting to have a date with my dog…

I’d be lying if I said that it didn’t cross my mind that having a bulldog might be an ok way to pick up men. I mean it’s not why I got him or anything, and I’m totally in love with him… But it crossed my mind once or twice. And its sort of true… not just guys, but people in general are pretty drawn to him when we go out in public. I never actually thought that he would get asked out for dates without me. Again… hello, we are a package deal people!

But the really weird/ sad part is that I already have a guy who is interested in having joint custody of my Bulldog without being in a relationship with me. This is not the first guy in my life who wants to go on dates with my bulldog. And quite frankly… I don’t think I can handle more than one of those relationships in my life… one is more than enough. And what exactly is the universe trying to tell me here… because suddenly it seems like all the great guys with similar interests who seem to have all the qualities and characteristics I’m looking for… are looking for a relationship with my dog child. I feel like the wife in Jerry Maguire when she says “I've got this great guy. And he loves my kid. And he sure does like me a lot. And I can't live like that. It's not the way I'm built.”

As much as I’m always looking for a good babysitter… I’m also looking for a guy who is more into me, than my dog. And really, I don’t think that is too much to ask.

October List to get me back on track

I spent a good part of the weekend thinking about my priorities. These past couple of weeks I just haven’t been feeling myself… I’ve been depressed, I’ve been lonely… I’ve been irritated, and that irritation is starting to carry over to my workplace… Not good a few weeks before the busiest month of the year. I know we are all feeling the tension building, and its rather unsettling to feel off balance in both my personal and professional life.  So after a weekend of yoga and reflection I’m making myself a list of goals for October… I know I know, the month is half over… but better late than never, and I’m hoping that having some things to work towards will help pull me out of this rut.

1) Daily Meditation. I tend to internalize a lot of my thoughts, and even the time I’m alone and being still I’m usually analyzing something or trying to work something out. I need to spend more time quieting my mind… even if it is just 5 minutes a day.

2) Wearing lipstick every day. It is trivial and superficial… but I’m feeling rather frumpy… Not that there is anything wrong with sweatshirts and yoga pants (especially when you are a yoga teacher) but as I’m continuing to put myself out there… I should probably put a little effort into how a look… because when I look good, I feel better about life, and I tend to put off a better energy… and so I will wear lipstick…. Baby steps.

3) Drink more water…. I have been guzzling coffee and diet soda like no body’s business…. I will not give up the coffee… but I’m quite sure my body will thank me for being a bit more hydrated.

4) Find a good book. I have all but given up on reading as of late, and cannot seem to get into anything I try reading. I need to find the kind of book I can fall into and get lost in for a few days… something to pull me away from the realms of instant streaming on Netflix.

5) More Exercise… even if that is just walking Toby around the block.

6) SAVE MONEY!  The budget is tight… which limits my social excursions… which limits my friend time… and spending time with other human beings is rather important for my overall sanity… so I’m working at saving so I can once again have a life… in the mean time I’ll be here eating raman noodles.

7) Take advantage of more social activities… I tend to pull inward when I get depressed… and why not? It’s cozy here, I don’t have to spend money, and there is a bulldog who will snuggle me… but I know I need to be around people… even if it is just going to the library, or talking with people at puppy class… I need to make a conscious effort to be social. It can be a challenge for me… but I really need some human interaction

8) Get a new project. I need a creative outlet… weather that is writing, or knitting, or crafting of some sort… a lot of energy went into my garden this summer… but I pulled out the last of it this week… and I need something else.

fall gloominess

Fall 2011 is kicking my ass. At least I’m in good company, as it is looking a little questionable for the grapes (and the olives) out there as well. I’m not sure why, but the past few weeks have been surrounded by a bit of gloom. I realize the weather has been a little erratic, but as an Oregonian this is something I’ve adjusted too… maybe it was the short summer, or the lack of a real fall transition… I want a few more crisp days with real autumn colors and soft sunshine…

Needless to say, I’ve been coping with this ass kicking by snuggling in, being lazy, drinking wine, and eating comfort foods… it’s only been a few weeks, and I know it will wear off eventually, but the other day when I mentioned in passing that I wanted a snack, and my mom volunteered that she would help me lose weight if I wanted her too, made me think that maybe it was time to analyze why I’m in this funk. (and for the record, I weigh the same. I’m in different shape than I was a year ago post half marathon, but there is no additional baggage on board)

Mostly, I think I’m nostalgic for last fall… This time last year I felt so together. I was right in the middle of my yoga program, and for the first time since graduating from college I felt like I was part of a community. I had this core support group and we were learning and growing together. I was also in a relationship. I’m not sitting around bunkering down, and being sad that I’m alone, but every time I start to think about making a hearty fall soup, going to a pumpkin patch, or even curling up with some hot tea… my mind is flooded with memories of this time last year… and how I was sharing it with someone… and now I’m making soup for one, I rarely connect with my fellow teacher trainers… and this season has left me feeling a little lonely.

And my natural reaction (besides sweatpants and take out) is to throw myself into my job… which is a little terrifying. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job… and through some times of emotional instability, I really believe it plays a large part in keeping me sane… but I often struggle with drawing a line between my personal and professional life… and very often I can’t tell a different between the two. Going to work is a social experience for me, and getting called in on the weekends is the norm. It’s 9PM, and I just caught myself answering work related e-mails that could have waited until tomorrow morning… and that is when I start to wonder if my being so involved with my job has actually prevented me from having a real life. Its one of those catch 22 moments… I throw myself into my job to distract from the fact that I am lonely… and yet how am I supposed to make time for a relationship, let alone meet anyone if I am constantly throwing myself into my work? (last time I checked, a lavender farm/B&B/ gift shop isn’t exactly the best place to meet single young men… I do meet a lot of very nice, newly engaged men…)

On the bright side, I do have a very snuggly little bulldog to come home to everyday… and he doesn’t care if I’m in a funk (he might actually prefer it… he is getting a lot of couch nap time, snuggly Netflix watching these days) But I’m holding out hope, that this too, shall pass… and even if the weather doesn’t improve… I’m optimistic that I’ll snap out of it eventually… even if I spend the entire season making soup for one.

Sometimes It's Not You

This week a friend of mine shared this article about dating with me, and as I read it, I felt myself thinking “this might as well be written about my life.” Ok so I’m not in my late thirties… and it hasn’t been eight years since I have  been in a relationship (though sometimes it feels that way) but all in all, I felt as though this woman was describing every single thought and emotion that I have about my current dating situation. It was remarkably refreshing to be reminded of the fact that I am not alone on this sometimes treacherous path of adult dating.

I repeatedly found myself saying out loud “I know!” as I was reading her words… I often worry if the fact that I have never been in a relationship longer than 5 months is going to somehow label me as “unsuccessful” at having a long term relationship, and I constantly struggle with the balance between feeling like I love my life, and worrying that my existing life is too full to let anyone else into. And I too often feel like I have a majority of my life sort of in order, but when it comes to my dating status I am a little insecure at times. I start thinking “is it me?” I start to second guess my awkwardness, my short hair (flashing back to high school when my brother told me I would never have a boyfriend if I didn’t grow out my hair… then again, I didn’t have a boyfriend when I had long hair either). After reading this article I am reminded that all women go through a stage of feeling like “maybe if I liked myself more” or “maybe if I liked my life more” or “maybe I like my life the way it is TOO much” or countless other reasons. Can I blame my single status on the fact that I was home-schooled so I never went to Jr High dances? Or maybe it really is the hair? Am I too shy? Too Assertive? Too indecisive? (I don’t actually wonder all of these things in my life right now… but I think as women, these thoughts tend to pop into our heads a lot).

I am not miserable with my single status or with my life thus far. But lately I have been feeling like I am in need of a person to share my life with. Not on like a crazy “I want to be married” scale, but more to the point of “I’d like to come home at the end of the day, and pour a glass of wine and make dinner with someone and unwind” kind of way. I’d like to have someone to see a movie with besides a bag of licorice, and a reason to wear some of the lingerie that is taking up space in my armoire. I would like to be someone’s person… But apparently I am looking in all the wrong places, and trying to meet all the wrong people… or it just isn’t my time.

Over the past year, I have spent a lot of time really figuring out who I am, and what I want with my life. And earlier in the year I pretty much decided that 26 was going to be my year. (I decided this back in June, when the Red Sox were looking good… and it seemed fathomable that if my team was on top anything was possible).  And so I started going after things… I made a few changes in my work life, I started my own business, I booked vacations, I moved, I painted, I planted, I bought a bulldog. I started loving my life… and yes, all of these things do make my life more complete… but the more I settle into my job, my environment, and my life, the more I wish that I had another person to share it with. When I am being a rockstar at my job, I was to share that with someone, and when I have a breakdown in my office because my boss forgot to thank me for helping put on an event after being at the office for 15 hours, I want to vent to someone. And I want someone to be there in the morning to let the dog out when I need to push the snooze a 3^rd time, and I want someone to be there to sympathize when I have to interact with my ex-boyfriend every day this week for work stuff. I want someone to be there to cheer me up with the Red Sox lose the wildcard slot by half a game… and I’d like someone to be there so I’m not constantly feeling like the 3^rd, 5^th, or millionth wheel among my sea of happily tied down friends. I want someone who loves my bulldog, and who is willing to get take out and come hang out after a long day of work. I want a person in my life. And after all the self-reflection, and going after things, and figuring out what I want… its hard to know that after attaining all these great things, and living the life I want, I cannot seem to do anything about finding someone to share it with. 

I am still skeptical of online dating. I know there are tons of people out there who swear by it, and I know a ton of people who have met their husbands online… that being said, I am just not there. It sort of feels like the people who are trying to genetically perfect their unborn children, handpicking eye color, and genetically dominant traits… The idea of typing what I’m looking for into a data-base, and letting a computer generate potential dates seems too strange to me. Though I’m sure it eliminates some of the awkward first date questions… but doesn’t that also seem weird? Like you can just completely avoid entire subjects with people, because you already know the answer! Isn’t it bad enough that we can already facebook stalk potential dates… and before even meeting we can know what movies they like, their basic interests etc. Maybe I am so indifferent to on-line dating because I am still open to the possibility of being surprised by someone, or what I am looking for in someone.

Then again… dating as an adult can be a little tricky, and as most things in your adult life, it doesn’t come with instructions or rules. And I can honestly say that 95% of my close friends who are in a relationship right now, met that person when they were in college… and quite frankly dating someone in college is not the same. You have common friends, common classes, common schedules, and it is incredibly easy to begin to hang out with a person, develop feelings, and have it turn into more when you are in that sort of environment. An innocent study session turns into a flirtation etc… but those of us who are dating in the “real world” often don’t have that luxury. Yes, I have started to crush on my fair share of barista’s… but a 2 minute morning coffee interaction has its limitations.

And this is where it gets tricky, if not impossible for the possibility of blind dates. To some degree, I think we are all used to cultivating feelings for someone. Weather that is admiring someone from afar, or just hanging out with a person enough until you realize that there is a spark… and then you start to pursue a romance. To some degree I think we are all groomed to function like this, or at least to sort of expect that first comes the spark, and then comes everything else. So already with blind dating the deck is stacked against you. In theory both parties are open to the idea of something being there… and are looking for something. But you have to establish a comfort zone, you have to work at making a connection, you have to actually take the time to cultivate something… and so many of us are used to that pre-established chemistry that is seems like people aren’t always willing to put in the extra time. Which is really unfortunate, because sometimes circumstances don’t always allow for you to be pre-disposed to feelings. 

I am of course guilty of this. A few months ago I was hanging out with some friends, and there was this really nice, really cute guy who came out with us. We talked most of the night, and he bought me a few drinks, but at a certain point I mentally checked out of the conversation, and was totally pre-occupied with this other guy, who I had been sort of flirting with earlier in the day. I was tired from a long day at work, and trying to keep up with a conversation just seemed like a lot of effort, and after all I was totally into this other guy. Complete missed opportunity on my part. Hind sight…

I recently went on a few dates with a guy, that I thought went pretty well. No, I wasn’t feeling any overwhelming magic… but then again, I hung out with him 3 times. I wasn’t even to the point where I knew what sort of food he liked or what his middle name was. I knew very little about him, and we hung out so sporadically, that there was always a little bit of an adjustment period when we were hanging out. That being said, my interest was peaked enough to at least be open to the idea of something developing, or at least I was willing to put in a little more time. He was not. Though he claimed there was physical chemistry, and intellectual chemistry… that mystery “it” factor was somehow missing. And really, I guess I cannot second guess how people feel, and sometimes you just know instantly… (or so they say) but I honestly felt like I didn’t know him well enough to determine if there was something there or not… and to some degree I wish the same extension would have been granted to me. How do you know if someone is worth getting to know if you don’t take the time to get to know them? How can you make a judgment about pursuing a romantic relationship with someone when you don’t even know their quirks and personality? If you are holding out for that amazing trifecta of physical, mental, and emotional chemistry (if there is really such a thing) how many great relationships are you going to pass up along the way? I mean 2 out of 3, with the potential to cultivate the 3^rd seems like pretty good odds to me… then again, maybe he just said the stuff about the physical and intellectual chemistry so I wouldn’t feel bad… I don’t know. I guess I probably never will. In my mind, common musical interest, similar habits, and sexual chemistry should get you at least 4 dates… and giving up before you even know what sort of food someone likes, or what kind of books they read seems unfair… although I guess if you aren’t even remotely interested in getting to know a person on that level, maybe it is fair.

But isn’t the whole point in dating someone, getting to know them? Maybe I have unrealistic expectations about dating.  Since most of my friends are in long-term relationships pre-dating our real world experiences, most of my dating norms come from sitcoms… (sad, but true, but also addressed in the article) and my token male friend, who is constantly coaching me on how to not fuck up while casually dating. (his advice is sort of working). Perhaps the sitcoms have put an unrealistic notion of relationships in my mind… but I don’t think so. My mind is open to possibilities… and my only real requirement is that the guy take some initiative. I want someone who takes time to be present with me, and actively interested…is that unrealistic? I hope not.  In the meantime, I am trying to keep an open mind, and just remember that overall my timing has always been a little unique.

I’m starting to ramble… I’ve been toying around with this topic for a few days in my head… it felt more succinct and organized as I was mentally writing it over dinner… I guess that means it’s time for a glass of wine and time to remember that sometimes it’s not me, or the math.