Understanding Silence

Lately I’ve been more and more aware of how much I value silence. I’m sure this is a direct result of deepening my yoga practice, but it all sort of came together for me at the dentist office today. My dental hygienist is a lovely woman… and yet she drives me crazy because she insists on making small talk with me the entire time I’m in the office, even when her hands are in my mouth. This could quite possibly one of my biggest pet peeves on the planet. Today I was desperately wishing that I had been allowed to fill out a questioner before my first visit that asked if I would prefer a talkative hygienist, or a less loquacious one.  I would have written in “please don’t say a damn thing once I’m in the chair, thank you very much”. I honestly don’t know why they don’t have a class on this at dental school. “How not to annoy your patients 101” I mean come on… who wants to answer detailed questions (or any questions at all) when there are pointy metal instruments in your mouth?  I often wonder who cleans my hygienist’s teeth, and if they ask her annoying questions when they are prodding around in her mouth, and how it makes her feel!

Ok, so maybe I am being a little sensitive about this, but I honestly don’t understand why there are some people who need to constantly fill the empty space with words. I think there are several social situations where silence is perfectly acceptable, and even preferred, (the dentist office being very high on that list) and yet inevitably there seem to be people who cannot handle the silence. Well then turn on the radio, comment on my flossing practices, but don’t ask me where I’m planning on going on my next vacation, how my summer is going, and what sort of things I like to write!

I feel like this is a pretty common feeling at the dentist office, but the more I think about it, I feel this way in a lot of situations. Maybe it is because I have to be “on” all the time at work, so when I go to appointments I really relish being able to turn off the small-talk and just be with my thoughts. I always feel a little bad because I’m not super talkative with my hairstylist. She is a really nice person, and we talk about a few things, but I’m perfectly content to sit in the chair in silence and let her do her thing. I don’t think she is as comfortable with the silence, so she makes an effort, but sometimes I think about telling her “it’s ok, you don’t have to talk to me” but of course there isn’t really a way to say that without it being completely awkward, or coming out the wrong way.

In looking at my life up until now, I’m beginning to realize that my appreciation of silence has often come off as snobbery, social awkwardness (which everyone likes to blame on the homeschooling), or just plain rude. I feel a little bad about that… especially in a recent situation that actually lead to the ending of a friendship. I’ve realized that I tend to be more of an observer, and I love watching people interact, and listening to conversations, but don’t ask a lot of active questions. I interject when I feel like I have something to contribute, but I’ve realized that I get to know people by watching and observing, rather than asking. I think this is because I have such an aversion to insincerity. I detest the fake-feeling sort of friendships where people ask you all the typical polite questions that aren’t really relevant to anything of importance in your life. Like they are fishing for small talk, anything to avoid the awkward silence, and a lot of times I view those grasps at conversation to be really in-personal and just uncomfortable. I realize this is a little ridiculous, because this is essentially what small talk is, and everyone engages in it in some form or another. I think subconsciously I categorize things and my brain says “why are they asking this?” or “why do they need to know?” and I’m sure it’s because they are questions that I tend not to ask. Maybe I am really self-involved, but it would never occur to me to ask my dental hygienist where she was planning on going on vacation. I of course don’t need to ask, because she volunteers that sort of thing without any prompting, but from where I stand, I don’t need to know! It’s not that it isn’t interesting, or that I am dis-interested in her life, but to me asking that sort of thing feels a little invasive. I know it all depends on the situation and the relationship, but we aren’t close, we don’t interact outside of the dental office, we are not deeply invested in each other’s lives and well-being… maybe the bottom line is that I just don’t buy that she is that interested in my life… and so the constant questions about it just seem out of place. Especially so when my teeth are being polished. If I were to run into my hygienist at a restaurant or any social situation, I could handle the small talk. But honestly, when you are polishing my teeth let’s give the chatter a rest. The silence is ok, really!

 And maybe I’m completely wrong, and my boundaries are just different than everyone else’s, but I think you can tell a lot from a person by watching them interact with people they know well. Maybe that is a cop-out, and I can understand why a lack of interacting and active questions might give people the wrong impression. But I’m just a reflective person… it takes me a long time to put my thoughts together, and I like to digest what people have said before I interject something. And I thoroughly enjoy listening to people, I can get lost in their words, and their thoughts, and rather than add, I often just take it all in and process.

I’m actually a really social person, and I love being around and having long and in-depth conversations with people that I know well… maybe I just have a low tolerance for the small-talk aspect of things… or at least the forced small talk. The best hair-cut I’ve ever had was when I was in Paris, and there was a language barrier between me and the stylist. I figured it was only hair, and it things went too awry it would grow back. So she did her thing, and I sat there in silence, and gave a reassuring smile every now and then, and delighted in the fact that we weren’t gossiping or trying too hard with forced conversation. It was an understood silence, and yes, we did not speak the same language, but it was delicious being able to sit there in silence without it being awkward.  I often wonder how my dental hygienist doesn’t pick up on my body language and terse answers. Maybe she is used to this from all her clients? Maybe she is oblivious to the cues I’m sending? Maybe I’m oblivious to the cues I’m sending?

In general, I wish there was more understood silence in social situations. I wish people could understand that if I’m quiet, it’s usually from a point of reflection and not bitchiness or silent scorn. Yes, sometimes it probably stems from a tad bit of social awkwardness… because everyone can be socially awkward at times… but mostly I’m just enjoying watching how others interact. Maybe I need to be more aware of how people perceive me, and try to be more accommodating. Maybe I need to be more engaging… But frankly, I feel like watching how you react to your best friend’s joke is going to give me way more insight into who you are than if I ask you about where you went to school or what you are planning on doing on your next vacation.