Monday, March 26, 2012

I'm in a Spring Break State of Mind

Today I decided that Spring Break is a state of mind. (I probably decided this since I don’t actually get a real spring break). Back in my high school and college days, Spring Break served as the perfect time to mentally and physically get away from stress, and schoolwork, and often times snow…. And it came at the perfect time when brains were feeling overloaded, and mental capacities were dwindling… (hello, that doesn’t exactly stop when you leave school…. So its kinda a cruel joke that Spring break does…) But I am taking the opportunity this week to give myself a little bit of a mental break, and get out of my routine a bit.

Lately I have been feeling completely uninspired in my yoga practice. It’s a little hard to actually say that out loud, because as a yoga teacher, you want to be able to help and inspire your students! But lately I have been in this huge rut, with my personal yoga practice, as well as with my teaching (at least it feels that way to me) of course as a teacher, I have my tricks… classes written out from when I first started teaching, the perfect go to poses, that everyone loves, and are accessible for just about everyone… And thankfully in the world of yoga, I find that students often like repetition. They enjoy being able to predict where to go next, and what is coming… And I know that I am my own worst critic, and the students I have are not going around saying “that class was really similar to last week”. And it works… but mentally, I’m hitting a wall.  As a writer, I am all too familiar with writers block. But thankfully I do not depending on my writing to pay the bills (at least not yet) so I at least have a little flexibility. If I’m not inspired, then I just don’t write that day… there is no pressing deadline, nothing is riding on it… but teaching is different. I do have 4 classes a week, with students who are showing up, expecting me to guide them through a yoga practice… inspired or not, the classes are going to happen, and I need to be ready for that! And its not for a lack of trying… I have been involved in some incredibly wonderful community building, totally inspiring yoga practices over the past few weeks! And yet, I’m totally having trouble taking in the wonderful, and replicating it in my everyday classes.

And then comes in the constructive criticism, which as a teacher I totally welcome, at least in theory. How else am I supposed to know what I can improve on, what would make the class better, what would make more students comfortable? But it’s really easy, especially when you are feeling in a rut to let the constructive criticism meld into destructive criticism… and it can be a little bit of a downward spiral… But not today.

Today I am embracing the Spring Break State Of Mind. Today I am leaving behind everything that doesn’t serve me, and taking with me what does. I am feeling dedicated to taking more classes, getting new ideas, and letting it translate into my teaching. I am recovering from an illness, and getting inspired to get back on track with eating healthy, and living in the present. I am taking a break from stress and routine, and mixing things up a little bit.  Yes, I don’t get a break from work (but really I have a very flexible schedule, and I often work from home) but my boss is on spring break, so if that means I need to take a few extra minutes in the morning to center myself, and meditate, I’m going to. If it means leaving work a few minutes early to make sure I get to my favorite 5:30 class, I’m going to. I’m going to look for inspiration in the everyday, and trying to focus more on the present. And hopefully I can pass that on to my students.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Because when I get sick, all I want is someone to play with my hair

Tonight I had a plan. Feed the dog, make dinner, watch a movie, write a new blog post… Naturally as soon as I sat down in front of my computer, the DVD drive decided to be problematic and over an hour, and several reboots, and some semi-successful trouble shooting, it decided to start working. It actually was pretty fitting, since I was planning on writing about when life sort of gets in the way of best laid plans.

I got a stomach bug on Wednesday, and out the door went my diet, exercise, work, productivity… everything went on pause, and with a life pause came a bit of an emotional pause as well. It’s no secret that I’m not exactly content with my relationship status, but it really hits me the hardest when I am sick. I think we all go through that moment when we just want someone to take care of us. All I want is for someone to curl up with me, make me soup, entertain the pup, and maybe clean my kitchen… is that really too much to ask? Maybe… I’ve been living the life of a single sick person for quite some time. Even growing up, my mother was never really one to indulge my neediness when I was ill. She might make me a cup of tea, but mostly she would hand me a bottle of advil and make herself scarce.  It’s everyman for themselves when it comes to airborn illness. (she is a very loving mother, and takes care of me in a lot of ways… just not when I’m sick. Though to her credit, a few years ago when I had a staph infection, and it was fairly touch and go, she did creepily watch me in my sleep).

For the most part, I am an independent spirit. I enjoy doing things by myself, I have a routine… and then I get sick, and I’m totally reminded of how alone I am. Yes, the bulldog will snuggle me for a bit, and its sort of precious, but then he gets bored eventually, and rather than resting on the couch, I am yelling, chasing, disciplining a dog who thinks that chewing on my dresser is the best way to get my attention.  And the projects pile up, the kitchen is not cleaning itself…the dog is not entertaining himself, and my yoga class is not teaching itself. As much as I want it to, the world doesn’t stop when I’m sick… and there is no one else here to help me out or pick up the pieces. And emotionally, its when I’m my most vulnerable. Why do I not have someone in my life who can make me soup, and willingly risk illness just to keep me company and maybe provide a little body heat? Not that being sick is in any way shape or form attractive, so why in my fantasy I have a doting, hot boyfriend who is totally willing to clean my kitchen, I’ll never know… Maybe it’s the whole romantic notion of “in sickness and in health”

Interestingly enough, I later found out that my ex, had the stomach flu at the exact same time… Though it would not be ideal, at least having a sickly companion would be the next best thing to having someone to help you out… at least you have a partner who is ill at the same time, so there is no guilt about contaminating the other person, and you don’t have to worry about being gross and laying on the couch all day… you have someone who is equally as gross, laying on the couch, and maybe you can take turns chasing the dog… (in my defense, I’m not a crazy stalker… I found out my ex was sick during a business related conversation...and I really do not wish that he and I were sick together... so over that ship. But I do sorta wish I had someone to be sick with! )

Maybe both of these options are somewhat warped fantasies… I think it comes with being single for so long… its easier to idealize hypothetical situations…(maybe I've been watching too much Lipstick Jungle... don't judge, instant netflix is starting to have a very limited selection... and if all of those women are dating hot 25 year olds who bring them take out, why can't I?)  and in this case, hang onto them as the light at the end of the tunnel. “Maybe someday I will have a man who will make me soup, and takes my pet for walks, and calls to check on me” it might be a fantasy, but hey, whatever gets you through the day.

A few days after I was feeling better, as I was contemplating my options (ok scouting out barista’s who are way too young for me, but are totally adorable, and totally qualified to bring me soup… ) I was introduced to a woman in her late 40s… never married, who kept telling me it wasn’t worth it. Settling wasn’t worth it, and she was not willing to compromise… and yet there she was, sitting at the same bar that I was, calling all of the Baristas  “her boys” . Essentially me 20 years from now… and I have to admit, it was discouraging. She could be entirely right… and yet the sickness minded, somewhat needy me was not willing to accept it as my fate. And it made me realize… that maybe right now I’m not looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with. I’m looking for someone to spend the right now with.  I’m not ready to think of long term, of settling down, of the future… at least not when it comes to a relationship… I’m not saying I couldn’t get to that point fairly quickly… but I do honestly think I’m ready just to date for the sake of dating. And maybe I'm the type of girl who needs to be taken care of now and then... not all the time... but now and then. And I think its ok to want that.  Because I refuse to spend the rest of my sick days snuggled up with a dog. Toby is very cuddly, but let’s face it, his arms are way too short for him to be a big spoon, and at the end of the day, I still have to feed and clean up after him…

Anyway, this is sort of a long diversion… but to sum up… getting sick totally threw me a curveball this week, and left me playing catch up in a lot of areas. But now that I’m finally caught up… maybe I need to let myself  focus a little more on the right now and a little less to the someday.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Adventures in Grocery Shopping

Today I woke up, and in true “adjusting to Daylight Savings Time” fashion, I laid in bed for two extra hours thinking about how I did not have any milk, and therefore could not stay in bed most of the day drinking coffee… I weighed my options thoroughly…  I could A) drink black coffee, B) get up throw a hat on and hit a coffee drive through, C) go to the store, D) put on rain boots and go raid my parents refrigerator/ use their espresso machine…  (Yup, I sure am a 26 year old with a garage door opener to my parent’s house). I may or may not have opted for the option that did not involve putting on real clothes, or brushing my hair...

Needless to say, a trip to the grocery store was inevitable at some point today. I mentally made a list, then thought better of my post daylight savings time/ overworked brain capacity, and made a physical list as well. Lettuce, spinach, kale, all things green, Milk, Laundry detergent etc. and mentally prepared myself for a Monday afternoon of grocery shopping.

All in all, Mondays are really the best time to go, which works out really well for me since I almost always have Monday’s off. Weekend grocery shopping is just about enough to induce a flare up of stress related eczema, by the time you find a parking place, wait in line, run into every single person you could possibly know… It’s not that I’m anti-social, I just like to be efficient when running errands. Monday afternoons you typically run into working women on a lunch break, housewives, or the few random college students… it is far less chaotic, the lines are shorter, and the parking is ample. Plus since I’m less worried about running into people I might actually know, I can get away with going to the grocery store on laundry day in some sort of really colorful, poorly put together ensemble.  One of these days I’ll figure out that I should just throw on yoga pants and a sweatshirt, and head to the store, but my mind always flashes to secret footage of people from What Not to Wear, and I think better of it.  Granted, my “real clothes” outfits might actually look less put together than my yoga clothing, and considering the fact that yoga clothing would actually be somewhat appropriate since I am a yoga teacher, is all beside the point. I end up in “real clothes” consisting of skirts and leggings, sweatshirts and down vests, and probably look a little deranged, or at least color blind… but in an odd way I seem to fit in with the other shoppers.

I have always been the type of person who loves to entertain, and who loves to spend money on fancy cheeses, breads, organic vegetables etc. I have been in denial for quite some time, that my food budget and current finances don’t really allow for my weekly grocery outings to consist of fancy cheeses, and fancy grocery stores (at least not all the time). As my dad always likes to tell me, I have champagne taste on a beer budget. Sometimes I ignore this fact, but on days when I’m feeling rather financially responsible, and a little more realistic, (these are mostly the days when I’ve just made a payment on my credit card, or have balanced my checkbook, and the financial reality is fresh in my mind) I load up my reusable bags and head to the discount grocery store. It isn’t all bad… actually I can get organic lettuce there for really inexpensive, and the bulk food section is great. No, there is not a huge selection of fancy cheese, but I can get most of what I need, and can escape with a weeks worth of groceries well within my budget. I sometimes run into interesting characters while I am there… but again, my laundry day outfits act as camouflage… beer budget/ look like a townie.

My brother often tries to tell me that the grocery store is a great place to “meet someone”. Personally I think this is one of those weird dating myths… sure, maybe if I’m browsing the produce section at Whole Foods or something… but I very much doubt that I am going to meet the love of my life at the Winco in McMinnville.  I can’t really picture a meet cute, happening there. I’m wearing rain boots, and 5 layers of un-matching clothing, and then suddenly as I’m reaching for bunch of scallions, some tall dark and handsome stranger is also reaching for the same scallions and our hands brush against each other… and we end up talking for hours about cooking… No. Just, no. I’m not saying it could never happen… but I am saying the odds of it happening in McMinnville are slim to none. Especially when you factor in that I am a focused and efficient shopper. From time to time I will aimlessly wander the aisles letting the products inspire a menu, but more often than not, I am a list making shopper… I pretty much stay on task, get in, get what I need, and get out. Sure, I make eye contact, am polite, maybe even make small talk with the cashier… but for the most part, I am not in the mind set to be meeting people.

Though I might not be meeting my future mate or BFF at the grocery store, I do often find myself in line behind a kindred spirit. I always love when I’m unloading my cart, and the person in front of me has similar ingredients. It somehow seems encouraging to see a elderly women with cans of coconut milk, stocks of lemon grass,  bulk foods bags of exotic rice or cous cous, bags  full of apple (which I of course always assume are going into a pie). As encouraging as it can be to see similar items rolling down the conveyer belt, it can be just as discouraging to see some of the things people are buying.  Bags of chicken nuggets, frozen dinners, jumbo packs of hot dogs (I always secretly hope that people aren’t judging me when I buy these for my dog…) There is a lot of crappy food out there… and sure a lot of it tastes really good… but there is a difference between having mostly veggies and an occasional box of mac and cheese, and having a cart full of tater tots, 10 boxes of mac and cheese, and a giant bag of fruit loops. But I really do try not to judge…
 I used to have a notebook full of interesting things I saw in front of me at the line in the grocery store. I’d discretely try to note the items, or if it was awkward, I’d sit there and try to memorize what the 3 most random items were, and try to figure out a back story for the person.  Two cans of cat food, some bouncy balls, and a romance novel.  Hot sauce, mouse traps, and a box of condoms.  Marshmallows, rice noodles, and anchovies…  Who are these people?

Well, ok...sometimes I am these people… once I made a late night grocery run that resulted in me coming home with hot dogs, tampons, and chocolate milk…. Nothing else.  And once I ran out of toilet paper so I ran to the downtown market since it was half a block from my house, but I felt weird only buying a pack of toilet paper, so I also got two plumbs… if anything two plumbs and a pack of toilet paper is actually more awkward to purchase than just a pack of toilet paper… but I panicked!
Minus the pouring rain, and the questionable outfit choice, today’s shopping trip was pretty uneventful. I’ve been trying to eat more salads lately, so I got some items to spice them up, pears, forbidden rice, goat cheese, spinach, kale, shallots, lemons, beets, artichokes… pretty standard grocery fair. I had a nice little chat with the check out woman about sautéed beet greens, and then she looked at the rest of my items and was like “You are sure eating healthy!”

It’s all a ruse… not really, but I am trying to make up a little bit for the giant ass cinnamon roll I ate yesterday... plus god knows I didn't want anyone in line behind me to judge my meal planning, or to start discretely scribbling down my awkward purchases... =)

Monday, March 5, 2012

Morning time with Toby; A comedy of errors

I am not about to pretend that I know what it is like to have children. I do however know what it is like to have a toddler-esque creature to care for… and all the toddler-esque baggage that comes with it. Getting out the door in the morning with Toby can be a challenge… my alarm goes off earlier and earlier in the morning, because quite frankly, I need more time!  Thankfully my work schedule is a little flexible, and most days I don’t have to be anywhere by 9AM (just 9AM-ish) but getting the two of us out the door is definitely a comedy of errors.

Firstly, I am not a morning person. Never have been. Neither is Toby. When I first brought him home, he was up at 7AM like clock work… but the older he gets, the longer he sleeps in, and it mostly works out pretty well. He is still snoring when I hop in the shower, and I can usually get mostly ready while he is still in his crate. Waking him up and getting him to motivate it a little bit of a challenge though. He often looks exactly how I feel… groggy, grumpy, and so so angry to be awake. He grunts and moans, and stares off into space for at least 15 minutes everyday after he wakes up. He will occasionally come out of his crate on his own, but most mornings I have to bribe him with love and dog treats. And that is sort of how the rest of the morning goes… he is a slow mover, and rather stubborn. Sometimes he hurries, but most times he dawdles… especially when I am already running late.

And then we get to the loading of the car….For those of you who have seen my car, you know it is a mess. I looks like I live in there, and sometimes it feels like I do. I know my parents are constantly alarmed that I don’t empty it or clean it out more… but there is only so much time & energy I’m willing to devote to carrying things to and from my car… and I draw the line at 20 trips a day…

Toby and I have a lot of baggage (yes, some of it might be emotional) but when I am at work all day, and the dog comes along, he has his own full bag full of toys, treats, brushes, bowls, baby wipes, ointments… (I’m serious, he is like a toddler) Plus if I have to take his food with me, I tend to just take the entire bag Yes, I’m aware that normal people would probably just put dog food in a ziplock bag and add it to his already existing “diaper bag” but I happen to be out of ziplock bags right now, and when you are shopping on a budget, ziplock bags are pretty far down the list… I’d much rather buy coffee, thank you very much. Anyway, the entire bag of dog food comes along. So does his travel crate.  (that is 2-3 trips to the car)
I then have to pack my lap top,  any notes for work, yoga bag, lunch bag, water bottle, purse, extra clothes, and additional yoga basket. This is the downside of having your own business… you always have to carry around waver forms, punch cards, a cash box, notebook, ipod, etc. Then add into the mix that I usually have a cup of coffee in my hand, as well as a smoothie… and we are literally looking at 5-6 trips just to load up the car, and an additional trip just to get the bulldog leashed up and loaded in… all hopefully without spilling the coffee, and without the bulldog eating the smoothie. (he has a love of yogurt, fruit, and straws… )

Once I get out to work, it’s the same circus. Unloading me and my coffee, the dog crate, dog bag, multiple yoga bags and props, change of clothing, laptop, lunch, water bottle, and then of course the bulldog.  And I get to do it all again at the end of the work day, and once more when I get home…

It’s all worth it though. Toby is the best, my work is really flexible, and if it all means carrying around a little bit of extra baggage, I’m willing to cope with it. But if you are every driving by my house in the morning, you might see running back and forth most likely dragging a bulldog, and muttering under my breath “we are so late, move it or lose it!”