Tonight I had a plan. Feed the dog, make dinner, watch a
movie, write a new blog post… Naturally as soon as I sat down in front of my
computer, the DVD drive decided to be problematic and over an hour, and several
reboots, and some semi-successful trouble shooting, it decided to start
working. It actually was pretty fitting, since I was planning on writing about
when life sort of gets in the way of best laid plans.
I got a stomach bug on Wednesday, and out the door went my
diet, exercise, work, productivity… everything went on pause, and with a life
pause came a bit of an emotional pause as well. It’s no secret that I’m not
exactly content with my relationship status, but it really hits me the hardest
when I am sick. I think we all go through that moment when we just want someone
to take care of us. All I want is for someone to curl up with me, make me soup,
entertain the pup, and maybe clean my kitchen… is that really too much to ask?
Maybe… I’ve been living the life of a single sick person for quite some time.
Even growing up, my mother was never really one to indulge my neediness when I
was ill. She might make me a cup of tea, but mostly she would hand me a bottle
of advil and make herself scarce. It’s
everyman for themselves when it comes to airborn illness. (she is a very loving
mother, and takes care of me in a lot of ways… just not when I’m sick. Though
to her credit, a few years ago when I had a staph infection, and it was fairly
touch and go, she did creepily watch me in my sleep).
For the most part, I am an independent spirit. I enjoy doing
things by myself, I have a routine… and then I get sick, and I’m totally
reminded of how alone I am. Yes, the bulldog will snuggle me for a bit, and its
sort of precious, but then he gets bored eventually, and rather than resting on
the couch, I am yelling, chasing, disciplining a dog who thinks that chewing on
my dresser is the best way to get my attention.
And the projects pile up, the kitchen is not cleaning itself…the dog is
not entertaining himself, and my yoga class is not teaching itself. As much as
I want it to, the world doesn’t stop when I’m sick… and there is no one else
here to help me out or pick up the pieces. And emotionally, its when I’m my
most vulnerable. Why do I not have someone in my life who can make me soup, and
willingly risk illness just to keep me company and maybe provide a little body
heat? Not that being sick is in any way shape or form attractive, so why in my
fantasy I have a doting, hot boyfriend who is totally willing to clean my
kitchen, I’ll never know… Maybe it’s the whole romantic notion of “in sickness
and in health”
Interestingly enough, I later found out that my ex, had the
stomach flu at the exact same time… Though it would not be ideal, at least having a sickly companion would be the next best thing to
having someone to help you out… at least you have a partner who is ill at the
same time, so there is no guilt about contaminating the other person, and you
don’t have to worry about being gross and laying on the couch all day… you have
someone who is equally as gross, laying on the couch, and maybe you can take
turns chasing the dog… (in my defense, I’m not a crazy stalker… I found out my
ex was sick during a business related conversation...and I really do not wish that he and I were sick together... so over that ship. But I do sorta wish I had someone to be sick with! )
Maybe both of these options are somewhat warped fantasies… I think it comes with
being single for so long… its easier to idealize hypothetical situations…(maybe I've been watching too much Lipstick Jungle... don't judge, instant netflix is starting to have a very limited selection... and if all of those women are dating hot 25 year olds who bring them take out, why can't I?) and
in this case, hang onto them as the light at the end of the tunnel. “Maybe
someday I will have a man who will make me soup, and takes my pet for walks,
and calls to check on me” it might be a fantasy, but hey, whatever gets you
through the day.
A few days after I was feeling better, as I was contemplating my options (ok
scouting out barista’s who are way too young for me, but are totally adorable,
and totally qualified to bring me soup… ) I was introduced to a woman in her
late 40s… never married, who kept telling me it wasn’t worth it. Settling wasn’t
worth it, and she was not willing to compromise… and yet there she was, sitting
at the same bar that I was, calling all of the Baristas “her boys” . Essentially me 20 years from now…
and I have to admit, it was discouraging. She could be entirely right… and yet
the sickness minded, somewhat needy me was not willing to accept it as my fate. And it made me realize… that maybe right now I’m not looking
for someone to spend the rest of my life with. I’m looking for someone to spend
the right now with. I’m not ready to
think of long term, of settling down, of the future… at least not when it comes
to a relationship… I’m not saying I couldn’t get to that point fairly quickly…
but I do honestly think I’m ready just to date for the sake of dating. And maybe I'm the type of girl who needs to be taken care of now and then... not all the time... but now and then. And I think its ok to want that. Because
I refuse to spend the rest of my sick days snuggled up with a dog. Toby is very
cuddly, but let’s face it, his arms are way too short for him to be a big
spoon, and at the end of the day, I still have to feed and clean up after him…
Anyway, this is sort of a long diversion… but to sum up…
getting sick totally threw me a curveball this week, and left me playing catch
up in a lot of areas. But now that I’m finally caught up… maybe I need to let myself focus a little more on the right now and a little less to the someday.
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