What I miss most about Friday's

I have lived in McMinnville for almost eight years… so it is interesting that it has only been in the last six months that I’ve really started to have a sense of community. I’m not sure why it took it so long to fall into place, but I’m finally to the point where I see people that I know at the Farmer’s market, run into acquaintances at restaurants, and can usually find someone to stop and talk to as I was down Third Street. But as we are headed towards 2011, I am already starting to feel a void in my community setting…

I think the cause is two-fold… 

Firstly, my seven months yoga program is coming to an end. Though I still have strong ties to my yoga studio and the people in it… there was a core group of us who spent a significant amount of time together every week. Not only did we have our teacher training class together, but there would always be familiar faces sprinkled into yoga classes throughout the week. Now that we have all taken our tests, and most of us are finished, or close to finishing up with our required hours, the familiar faces are becoming less frequent. I suddenly have a three hour chunk of free time on Wednesday afternoons. What was once filled with study, and interaction, and philosophical discussions is now a wide open space. I still have about fourteen hours of class-time left, and as I head to class daily I keep expecting to see my fellow teacher trainers… and I do, but with far less frequency. In some cases that is probably good… there was no one I was really close to in class on Tuesday when I started openly crying (hip openers + emotional day= tears in yoga, and lots of them). But I miss my partners in crime… especially since we are all getting ready to go out and start teaching… These are my people, and we have had an awful lot of similar experiences, and we are all mostly going through the same thing right now.

Over the past few months I also started making new friends through Friday Morning Networking… And I still go, but post-breakup it’s a little different. We are all adults, but at the end of the day, they were his friends first, and his best friends… so while I was on my way to feeling like part of a group, I’m sort of back to “groupie” status. There are still smiles and hugs, and friendly chit chat, but its different. There are no more early morning coffee rendezvous, no impromptu stops for breakfast burritos before heading off to work. No walking to the post office before going out and starting the work day. No more being a part of someone else’s routine.  I know it’s weird that the part I miss most about Friday’s is walking to the post office after a refill of coffee, but it is. I miss the everyday moments of feeling like I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

In the long run, I know my “community” isn’t really going anywhere… it’s just shifting… and on some levels I have been craving a change… Its just too bad that the same time I’m starting my own endeavors I feel slightly estranged from all the young business owners I know. As I’m embarking on unknown territory I feel like there are fewer people to bounce ideas off of, and therefore less support. It’s partially in my head… and partially not. In the meantime I’m cursing the fact that I didn’t have him design my business cards three months ago, and am looking for something to do on Wednesday afternoons.

Putting Good Apartment Vibes out into Yamhill County

I've been feeling rather restless lately and as a result I have started looking for a new apartment. It's no secret that for the better part of six months I've been lusting after real estate. A place where I can plant things, paint the walls... have a proper dining room and an office... I am still a ways off from that, but I would like I place that feels more like "my place".  I think I am only being half serious about looking for a new place, because, lets face it, moving is not enjoyable... But when I moved into my current place almost a year ago it was a temporary solution... and now a year later I'm contemplating my options. There are actually quite a few things that I love about my current place... it is roomy, has a fantastic patio, a large bathroom... But it also has some oddities like indoor-outdoor carpet in the kitchen, a stove that is questionable... did I mention the indoor outdoor carpet in the kitchen?

Really if I could convince my landlord to let me paint, and put a garden out back, I could live with the carpet, but she is quite strict about the colors and what we can and cannot do as far as painting and altering the building... I don't entirely understand this, as it was very poorly painted when I moved in (yes I want to add some color, but it would look better and I wouldn't leave drips all over the window frames and baseboards!). Since I do really hate moving, and I don't have an overwhelming list of complaints, I am on the search for the perfect apartment... something in my price range, that is unique, and allows pets (I like to keep my options open)  because it would have to be perfect for me to start packing boxes and sorting through closets.

Though I have yet to find exactly what I am looking for, I am holding out hope. I have, in fact, lived in my dream apartment once before, and though circumstances wouldn't allow me to stay, that taste of quirky perfection has given me hope that I can find something similar once again. So I'm putting out good apartment vibes into the universe, and I'm seeing what happens.

My criteria are as follows:
Yamhill County... Yes I love Portland. But I am a country girl at heart, and I love love love the Willamette Valley... I am also employed in the Willamette Valley, and am not a morning person, and I hate commuting, so I'd rather not move away from work. That being said, I wouldn't mind being a tad bit closer to Portland.

No  apartment complexes. I understand that they are affordable and spacious, and come with things like dishwashers... All of these things are tempting, but I really hate the idea of being in a cookie-cutter lifestyle. I have nothing against complexes, or people who live in them, I've can't picture myself living in one right now. I think I could handle an apartment building... but really I'm hoping for an apartment in a house, or a loft... something unique.

Not more money than my currant apartment. If I'm going to move, I'd like it to be a good financial decision as well. I don't want to pay more than I'm paying right now (which is a shame, since I've found some stellar places just out of my price range)

I want a pet... Maybe not today, maybe not in the next 6 months... but I'm holding out hope that 2011 is the year that I finally get a bulldog... I don't want to be in a lease anywhere that cannot be flexible about that, or at least not open negotiating about a dog.

No Carpet in the Kitchen, plenty of storage space... extra super bonus points for a dishwasher (though it isn't required) and extra super-duper bonus points for a garbage disposal  (I like composting as much as the next person, but if you had seen the Tupperware full of what was once pasta that I pulled out of my fridge today you would understand the need for a garbage disposal. Somethings just need to go away, quickly and painlessly)

My last apartment had a yellow kitchen... it was cheery and wonderful, and I'd like it back... I'd be willing to break the rules now,and just paint everything back when I move out, but my kitchen has some serious seventies wall-paper (why is all the weird stuff in the kitchen?) I don't really need to paint the kitchen... but I do want to paint.

Really, I'm not asking for a lot here... something quirky, original, affordable... and different than what I have now.  (yes, I'm working on contentment, and living in the moment... but I'm also embracing change) Dear Universe, please hand me the classifieds.

Awkward Holiday Encounters

It wouldn’t be the holidays without some sort of awkward string of events. Everyone has stories and anecdotes about interesting family encounters and conversations and here are a few of mine from this weekend.

Every year I buy myself new underwear around the holidays. Generally it is more practical than anything else, and buying it for yourself definitely beats unwrapping underwear from your stocking on Christmas morning.  My new skivvies arrive in the mail just in time for Christmas, and as any girl would feel comfortable doing, I send a text message to my best friend telling her about my new bra. Only technology turned against me, and instead I ended up texting my ex-boyfriend. For the record, this is not the first time my so called “smart-phone” has pulled up the wrong person… In retrospect it is actually pretty funny, but at the time was really dis-heartening. Mainly because we are still in that awkward place of not really being friends, and I still struggle with wanting to tell him things about my life, and then of all the things I could have shared with him, I accidentally text him about a push-up bra/ how ridiculous it is? I should not be surprised, this is my technology karma coming back to bite me in the ass. At least I realized my mistake about a few moments, and attempted to recant, or at least tell him that it really was a technology malfunction, and not me being a psycho. I’m not sure if he believes that or not. On the bright side, I really do love the bra. I might want to crawl into a hole & wallow in my embarrassment, but at least my tatas will look good while I’m at it.

My next holiday snafu was at Christmas Eve Dinner. I was at a restaurant with my parents, and once we had reminisced about past holiday memories, the conversation was turning towards work. I started to change gears, and began talking about an episode of Radiolab that I had recently re-listened to on the topic of Deception. It is one of my favorite episodes, and I was explaining to my parents how there is a study that people who deceive themselves are actually happier and more successful in life. So I was giving examples, and citing specific things, and I mentioned how the baseline test in this study was asking people a series of questions that in general everyone denies like if you have ever had a fantasy about raping someone, or being raped, or if you have ever contemplated suicide to get back at someone… As I am explaining this, I look up and every single person sitting at the next table is staring at me with a somewhat perplexed and horrified look. It’s not like I was talking loudly or over emphasizing, but it was one of those moments where eavesdroppers entered the conversation at the wrong time, and so there I was, the girl in the restaurant talking about suicide and rape on Christmas Eve. It really is a great episode though; I highly recommend listening to the podcast.

Next was when my family was looking up movie times, and out of nowhere my dad says “It really is too bad about Lindsay Lohan” at which point my parents enter into a five minute long conversation about how much they liked her in the Parent Trap, and contemplating where her life went wrong. I’ve never really known my parents to be big into pop-culture… and though I love my family dearly it was a bit of a letdown to discover that neither of my parents recognized the name Pablo Neruda, and yet they could carry on a conversation about the life and trials of Lindsay Lohan.

Happy Holidays.

When My Heart Finds Christmas

Maybe I'm getting old... but I am having a really hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. Granted, there are several factors that might be contributing to this, but overall the holiday seems to have lost it's magic a little bit. My brother and his wife are spending the holiday with her family, and though I am looking forward to my holiday plans with my parents, dinners out, movies in, no "kids" seems a little anti-climatic to me. Maybe this is just my Christmas Karma from a few years ago coming back to haunt me. I opted to spend one Christmas traveling in Germany with a good friend, rather than at home... In my defense, my parents had just moved to a new State so being "home for the holidays" didn't have quite the same appeal, not to mention the fact that I had ten paid vacation days, and a friend who was fluent in German with no Holiday Plans... It was an amazing trip, but now I cannot really give my brother a guilt trip about spending the holiday elsewhere. So here I am two days before Christmas, trying to fake the spirit and the magic and get my holiday mood kicked into gear. I have all the presents (95% of which were purchased locally!)  I've got wine mulling on the stove, gifts to wrap, and Christmas music in the cd player.

I adore Christmas Music. Recently I've been listening to  Christmas with the Beach Boys... ok before you even judge, this up-beat an unique holiday music takes me back to my childhood. Somewhere along the line my mom sold the cd at a garage sale (much to my holiday dismay) but the year I went to Germany she got another copy, for us to blast at our "fake Christmas" celebration before I left. It's the perfect cd for prancing around the house in your pajamas (ok and maybe some years reindeer antlers). 

But my absolute favorite is When my Heart Finds Christmas by Harry Connick Jr. On a side note, let me just add that I am so in love with everything about him. I've had a giant crush on him since I was about 7! That voice! That sex appeal! (please keep in mind that this album is from 1993... I was eight... regardless I still think he is sexy) I cannot help but swoon. One Summer I was home from college, and he was playing a concert two and a half hours away, and I made my best friend take the afternoon off work so we could go and see him. I think throughout the entire thing I had my hands clutched at my chest in full swooning mode... I will probably never live that down. As a little girl I would decorate my room with Christmas lights, and play this CD on repeat as I played with my American Girl Dolls. This cd makes me think of snow, and decorating, and anxiously awaiting the UPS deliveries, and Christmas morning... It's jazzy, and has a wonderful mix of classic songs, I don't even mind his version of the little drummer boy... well ok, I still hate the song, but this is the version that I tolerate the best. I used to wistfully listen to "What are you doing New Year's Eve" and dream of being a grownup at holiday parties wearing fancy cocktail dresses and dancing to that song... really who am I kidding, I still have that fantasy (friends why have we not done this?) and get a little wistful when listening to that song. Sigh...

Maybe all the music and reminiscing is pushing my spirits towards festive? Who knows... but the wine is mulled, and I am surrounded by wrapping paper, so regardless, I need to get into gear... the holidays are happening ready or not. In the meantime Harry Connick Jr. says it best. "When my heart finds Christmas, I hope it finds you too".

Crafting, Carbs, Christmas...

I have been looking forward to this time of year for ages... and not just because of the holidays (though, is anyone else obsessed with the Glee Christmas CD?) A week from now I'll be through with my yoga program, the office will be shutting down for a few weeks and I'll finally be getting to some of the things on my ever growing personal to do list. I have dates planned with knitting projects, a giant list of books, recipes I want to try, real weekends to fill, sewing projects, planning yoga classes... oh glorious glorious free time. 

 Ok, so I'm faking the happy part a little bit... Don't get me wrong, I'm excited for the projects, and excited for the free time... some of my plans recently shifted, and I had to make some mental and emotional adjustments about how I would be filling my weeks off of work (no surprise that emotional adjustments can be tricky)...and so I'm trying to fill the void with craft projects... So far it's not working, but the list is long, and I figure its a healthier distraction than the 12 Holiday Breads from Red Fox Bakery (which will continue to be my distraction of choice for the rest of the month).

I'm not going to ramble on about breakups or trying to master my own personal contentment... no one really wants to hear about that anyway (not that you want to hear about my craft projects either, but they are a bit more cheery than the alternative)

Project Number 1: Lavender Eye Pillows... January 17th I start teaching yoga! My first project is lavender eye pillows to use during Savasana... I know Oregon can be pretty dreary in the winter, but the room I'm teaching in is full of windows... my prop supply may be limited, but at least my students will have a dark and tranquil way to end their weekly practice.

Project Number 2: A New Collage. I don't know what it is that I find so cathartic about cutting up old magazines, but I seriously love it. I never really know what I'm looking for, but stuff just jumps off the page at me, and its fun to come up with something eclectic. I actually had started working on putting a collage together as part of a Christmas gift for someone... He's not getting a gift anymore, but I figured I might as well make lemonade as the saying goes... hopefully I turn out with something fun. It's also interesting to see what sort of stuff pops out at you depending on your state of mind/ mood. I don't think this will actually make the final collage, but it did make me think that the universe has a sense of humor.

It's also interesting to see what sort of stuff pops out at you depending on your state of mind/ mood. I don't think this will actually make the final collage, but it did make me think that the universe has a sense of humor.

Project Number 3: Another Cowl Neck Scarf... I made one earlier in the year, and I'm slightly obsessed with it (those who know me, know that I wear this thing several times a week) I got some lovely yarn for my birthday, and its just been sitting around for the past six months. I cannot wait to convert it into my next wearable item.

Project Number 4: Cloth Napkins... ok not that I do a lot of entertaining, but there is always the dream of fun dinner parties, brunches and get togethers...plus they are practical.

I also have plans for things like oven friend chicken, bread pudding, and other culinary projects involving hearty wintery comfort foods...

Crafting, Carbs, and Christmas... my three-step plan to get me through the next couple of weeks.

Here I am

Last night I had a bout of insomnia between 2:30 and 5:30ish... I laid in bed planning out my yoga sequencing for the day, and when I tired of that I started to write poetry in my head. I do this often, being mostly inspired at night, however whenever I get up to write something down it seems to vanish, or simply reject the idea of being put into tangible words. So instead I repeat verses to myself over and over, hoping that when I wake up, they or some version of them are still lingering in my head. 

Sometimes it works, others not so much, but as I was awake for quite a while I had a chance to compose in my brain, dwell on the words.... So when I got up this morning it was pretty easy to take my sleep deprived ramblings and get them on paper. Mostly... 

It's still not quite right... there are things I know I left out... and some things that just didn't work... this is exactly why I need a writing group... to switch things up, bounce things around, arrange and re-arrange, edit.... (though admittedly it is also exhilarating to write something and put it out there without having time to over-think it)

Anyway... here is what I came up with

Here I am

Writing a poem about us

Though there is no longer an “us”

Just you and me as individuals

together in our separateness.

I could write a poem about the intense

blue of your eyes

or the way your beard smells of tobacco

of how our kisses were perfect

how our oddities entwined

like hands holding each other…

But infatuation is overdone

and everyone can relate to heartache

My questions are many

your words few

though they assuage

the fissures of my heart

the best they can.

Sticks and stones people say

But I know better

I know the potential heartache of

words,

or a lack thereof

The situation robbed of potential

Stolen away like a thief in the night…

and here I thought I liked surprises.

I’m missing everyday moments

You

your touch

I’m missing what was there

and also what wasn’t

I used to dwell in possibility

maybe now too much on what was

and who likes the feeling of moving backwards

when forward motion is the trend?

Moving forward is not the same as moving on.

Here I am

Right where you left me

My heart still open…