Caffeine induced tangent regarding: the gender gap, insecurities, and how other people perceive us

*As a rule, I’m not a fan of disclaimers… that being said, I’ve had a lot of coffee today.

A few weeks ago, there was a story on NPR about the gender gap in the workplace. I know that the pay gap has been a long debated issue, but what I found most interesting about this article was the fact that most women are not motivated to ask for a raise, and when they do, they are often viewed as pushy or too dominating. Even when men and women were given the exact same script, the men were granted raises with no questions asked, as were the women, but the women were always viewed in a negative light. Why is this? I mean I know body language, and execution are key factors, but I thought it was so interesting how women have to put that much more thought into it, and go through that much more effort for the same result.

I will be the first to admit, that I can be very emphatic, and sometimes my non-verbals are hard to read, I react quickly, and not always in a good way, but I think that can be said for all people, not necessarily gender specific. And yet it seems like people are often more willing to cut men a little slack. Men who are passionate about specific things are highly valued, but when a woman is passionate about something it is often suggested that perhaps she is TOO attached, TOO involved, TOO emotional. Then the question of hormones comes up, and it is often a downward spiral. I’m just speaking in general terms here, as this is not, and has never been my own experience. In fact most, if not all ,of the jobs I have ever had, I’ve had a female boss or supervisor… And most of the women that I know personally are very motivated and dedicated women who aren’t afraid to speak their minds, ask for what they want, etc. (In theory, I am outraged by the pay gap, but in my personal life, working in an office of all women, it’s not something that readily crosses my mind. I’m not really focusing on the pay gap, so much as the perceptions. )

It seems as though women are often faced with the hormone handicap… which sometimes might work in our favor, but I still hate it. Sure I can be emotional, and irrational, and I may or may not keep a secret stash of chocolate at work at all times, but my emotions have never gotten in the way of my job or my performance at work. Though I can’t say for sure, I don’t think my boss views me as demanding or irrational, and I do think my ability to take charge of a situation and delegate is viewed as a strength and not an imbalance or imperfection. I know it has a lot to do with situations, personalities, and other underlying factors, but it is still a bit disappointing to hear that women have to work that much harder to achieve the same thing that men do (in certain situations… please don’t take this out of context… I’m not trying to be sexist or biased in either direction… just making a comment)

I’ve mostly been thinking about perceptions in terms of gender when it comes to relationships. I have often heard of men who meet women who are in other relationships, and yet they peruse the situation anyway… And it works for them. I’ve know several people who have met their spouses when they were with other people, and the guys just turn on the charm and say “hey I know you are with so and so, but I think you are pretty great… and if your situation changes, here is my number”.  And it’s sort of charming, even flattering… that arrogance, that boldness. But would it be viewed in the same way if a woman were the one making an advance? Would the woman be viewed as bold and sexy and assertive in a good way, or would she simply be thought of as a bitch/ slut/ terrible person for going after someone else’s guy? I know the perception is different depending on who you ask. I’m sure men are never thrilled when other guys approach their girlfriends, but it somehow seems less like a personal affront. And maybe that is where women’s emotions come into play. We think about things, over think things, and I think overall, we are worried more about how people perceive us, and that directly effects our actions. Admitting you have feelings for another woman’s man friend seems like a direct violation of “girl code” regardless of if you know the woman or not. Of course the guy probably wouldn’t think any less of you, but that is where things get tricky. We (meaning women) don’t think like men, and in a situation like this we probably aren’t even that worried about the man’s reaction… we are putting ourselves in the place of the girlfriend. We automatically think “how would I feel if someone approached my beau? What would I say about her to my girlfriends?” and I think this role-reversal way of thinking tends to make us feel guilty.

I think this is the main difference between men and women (at least in this context), women care much more about how they are being perceived, and perhaps this is what people pick up on. Guys don't give a shit (ok maybe they do, but they appear not to) who they might be offending etc Maybe we subconsciously put that, for lack of a better word, insecurity, out there. We spend so much time worrying about how our actions are going to reflect on us, and maybe we go a little overboard. Maybe we start projecting our own worries and fears onto other people, and maybe that comes out in our body language and overall aura.  Maybe the same thing applies to the gender-gap workplace situation?

This is not me trying to say that all women are neurotic and subconsciously worried about what everyone else thinks, and that men somehow aren't,  but I do think it makes a lot of sense. I think in a lot of situations men just go for it, and they don’t care what other people think or how they will react, and how they will be viewed later. As women we really value relationships, and starting from a young age we have this intrinsic desire to be liked, to fit in, to be accepted. And so we are wary of putting ourselves in situations that will make us the “other”.

Again, this is a huge generalization mixed with quite a bit of speculation… there is no one here to dispute or debate with, and I would say that most of the women that I know are not subconsciously worried about what other people think about them. 

I really only bring the topic up, since I’m currently quite smitten with a guy who already has a leading lady. And part of me thinks I should feel bad about that, and yet, I don’t. Granted, I know it isn’t going anywhere, I have no desire to be the other woman, or steal anyone’s boyfriend ( that just isn’t me.) But I do have this strange desire to just put it out there and say “hey I know you are taken, but if you are ever not, give me a call”. And it seems so innocent in my mind. Just an honest expression. Maybe a bit unexpected, a little bold, but also flattering, no? I mean isn’t it always nice to hear that someone thinks you are kind of awesome? Sure, there is a lot of potential for awkwardness… but when has that ever deterred me from anything?  It might just be the coffee talking…  But I feel like with the right execution, the right amount of confidence, and casualness it could be ok.  Maybe if I put it out there with reckless abandon, no emotional attachment, and without giving it too much though, it will come out effortless and natural, and not surrounded with an awkward, self-conscious, “I’m a terrible person” aura.

This all seemed to be related when I started writing this… and I should probably stop before it gets to be too much of a tangent.  Perhaps it’s a topic that would better be discussed over a few beers with some friends, rather than put out into the blogging world. But, maybe not.