Today has been one of those weird days… I’m a little bored
(and in my head I keep thinking, “only boring people get bored” and then I
start making mental lists… but sometimes being bored is preferable to being
productive… sometimes!) I know a lot of it has to do with the seasonal shift.
Fall, though it is my favorite season, always brings out a little anxiety. I’m compensating with extra vitamin d, 5HTP,
and meditation and exercise… but there is still this very predictable sense of
anxiety. From a very young age, I think we are trained that fall means change.
The leaves turn colors, it gets colder, school starts, etc etc. After sixteen
years full of consistently scheduled change, being an adult with the same job,
in the same town can seem a little stagnant. (Especially in Oregon with crush
right around the corner. It’s not something that interests me, but I do find
myself jealous of the interns who come from all over the world for a few
weeks/months. Nothing is permanent, everything is new, and when it’s all over,
they go on to the next thing, or back to their normal lives. In that regard I
feel like the wine industry gets to be the Never Never Land… You don’t have to
grow up and live in one place and settle down… you can travel the world and
learn to make wine… year after year after year ) And since my collegiate years
are not that far behind me, I’m still a little nostalgic for that sense of
controlled change. I’m happy with my job, I love where I live… but I’m
restless. More accurately I’m lonely… which is frustrating because it’s not
exactly something I can just change overnight.
Being single in the summer is easy. I’m working a million
hours, mostly on weekends, life feels chaotic, and my free time is spent trying
to see friends, be outside, garden etc. Plus, there are always those few weeks
when its so hot outside its almost impossible to sleep at night, and I lay
awake thanking the universe in that moment that I am not obligated to sleep
next to anyone. Of course, once fall rolls around, I take it all back. My
schedule starts to slow down, I suddenly have free weekends, and downtime
during the week, the garden is dying and there are fewer distractions. It’s
cool in the evenings, and snuggling starts to sound more and more appealing.
At least I have a pattern. Looking back on the past few
years it always seems to be around this time that I decide I need to change
something in my life… I get lonely enough, and stubborn enough, and brave
enough that I decide it’s time I make things happen. (meaning I ask someone
out, or do something to try and get myself out of my comfort zone, and exposed
to new people and opportunities.) It mostly always backfires… but it isn’t for
lack of trying. I’m a huge believer in taking control of your own destiny… I
just wish I had more to show for it. I am endlessly frustrated by the fact that
I get overwhelmingly lonely, and there isn’t anything that I can actively do to
change it. Sure, I have friends, yes I get out of the house, I have a roommate,
and a dog, and my family lives less than a mile away. In that regard there are options…
but I cannot make someone date me. Yes, I’m aware that I could go online… but I’m
just not there yet. So much of my day is spent on the computer for work, the
idea of trying to cultivate a relationship through a computer database (which I’ve
heard feels like homework) is far less appealing than being lonely… I’m just
not there. Call me old fashioned… but I’m pretty sure people used to meet and
date in real life… Sure, You’ve Got Mail is pretty much my favorite movie of
all time, and the whole online thing seemed to work out well for Meg Ryan and
Tom Hanks… but until I have a guy writing me e-mails about bouquets of freshly
sharpened pencils, I will remain ever skeptical of online dating.
Then again, at this
point I’m kind of skeptical of real life dating as well. Maybe this is just my
jaded single girl talking, but when did dating become this hard? Am I totally
delusional in thinking that as we get older, dating should be less awkward?
(though I guess if you date mostly never, it clearly becomes more awkward). But
in theory, dating as a 27 year old should be fairly effortless. You meet someone
you like, you give them your number, you grab a casual drink, and if you like
how things are going you make a second date. You have social skills, and your hormones
are hopefully in less flux, and you can make rational decisions. This sounds
simple enough, yes?
Then flash back to what dating was like at 16. Everything
was significantly more awkward, there was less text messaging (ok, no text
messaging) your friends were mostly involved in all your decisions, sometimes
your parents had to drive you places, and you ended up going to places like
Subway or the bowling alley, because where else do you go on a date as a 16
year old when neither of you have real jobs and live in a tiny town? (I fully
admit, maybe this was just my 16 year old experience) Add to that the hormones,
and the break outs, and the orthodontics , and the questionable fashion.. it’s
amazing that we survived high school dating at all.
And yet… I had way more boyfriends in high school than I
have had in my adult life… talk about a terrifying statistic. My shy, socially
awkward, home-schooled self just might have more dating experience than my
confident, mature, adult self. Pardon me while I pour myself an adult beverage
and let that sink in.
The other night I was talking with my friend Amanda about
dating. She is happily married, but as we talked over drinks she was reminiscing
about things she would have done differently as a single woman. She said she
would have played harder to get, been less available… but she always figured
that the right guy wouldn’t mind that she wasn’t… and turns out, he didn’t. When it comes to dating, I’ve never been one
to play games. I say what is on my mind, I’m upfront about things, if I’m
available I’m available, and if I like you I like you, and I’m not afraid to
say as much… Sure, there is something to be said for feminine mystique, or
keeping them guessing… and I’m sure that some guys really like that… but the
more that I observe my single friends and how they are with Men, the more I
realize how that just isn’t for me.
(maybe this is also why I’m single… the verdict is still out).
Thankfully I’m not jaded enough to think that I should try
to be something that I’m not… that no guy will ever fall for me unless I’m
playing hard to get. But I am still
frustrated with dating in general. The worst part is that I’m completely just
wishing for the comfortable part of a relationship, and not as interested in
the dating part. Don’t get me wrong… there is a little red dress in my closet
just waiting for the right occasion, but on nights like tonight I don’t want to
be out for drinks and dinner… I kinda just want to be curled up on the couch
with a good book and a cup of tea… only I wish there was someone curled up next
to me besides my bulldog (who is snoring as he plays the role of little spoon).
I want that last phone call of the night, the person who isn’t terrified of my
tragic morning hair. I want the non-awkward conversations, I want to be past
the point of facebook stalking, and trying to figure out if you have compatible
interests, and talking about what type of music you like. It just seems like a lot of work… don’t get
me wrong, I’m willing to go there, I’m willing to put forth the effort, to
actually go through the rituals of dating. But at this point, I haven’t really
found anyone who is willing to go there with me.
I’ve been trying to get to know someone… numbers have been acquired,
some text message flirting has happened, dates have been set, and subsequently cancelled…
excuses have been made, and they’ve all been legitimate…but I’m starting to
feel like the timing is just off… like I shouldn’t have to try this hard to
make a first date happen… Because at this point I don’t know anything about
him, I don’t know if there is chemistry, I don’t know if it is really something
that I want to pursue… But there is this nagging part of me that says neither
one of us should decide that before we actually get the chance to go out. If
there is no chemistry, fine… But at this point he doesn’t really know anything
about me either… but shouldn’t we at least be allowed to lobby for ourselves? I
mean isn’t that what first dates essentially are? A chance for you to put your
best foot forward, to give someone else a glimpse into your life and who you are,
and hope they like what they see enough to come back for date number two? In some
regards throwing in the towel before date number one even happens seems like
selling myself short… There is no chance for me to be charming, or awkward, or
to make any impression whatsoever! At least if things went awry, I’d know that
it was for a reason greater than scheduling conflicts and poor timing…
Sadly, dating was so much easier ten years ago when you
could just pass notes in English class and hold hands in the hallway… this real
life dating is hard stuff.
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