My version of Spring Break

The last few days have been spent painting my new apartment. Quite a few people have expressed how crazy I am to paint a rental, but after a year of living in a place that has never felt quite right for me, I’m ready to be “home”. I figure I’ve lived here for the past eight years, meaning I’ve spent over a quarter of my life in the Willamette Valley, and more specifically McMinnville. Though I have plans for graduate school (someday), I think I’m at a point in my life where I am ready to put down a few roots… ok maybe not deep roots, but you know, I feel comfortable painting. I’m ready to settle in, plant a garden, put things on the walls, and make this new place my own.

It isn’t a perfect apartment… its old, and has some quirks, and as my father would tell you the owner is not a craftsman… there are oddities, and questionable repairs… and some of the trim is on backwards… but it has a lot of character. It’s the kind of place that you can just feel the potential when you walk in the front door. Not to mention the fact that I'm 25, and I love quirks, and character... And living in a unique space is really important to me. I’m sure I could be quite happy in an apartment complex somewhere with a working dishwasher and stark white walls… but it’s not the choice I’m making right now. The choice I’m making right now is for color, garden plots, front porches, and mis-matched trim. And I think my overall mood, and creativity will benefit. The apartment that I’m getting ready to leave has essentially been a place to keep my stuff, but it’s never been a place I’ve been thrilled to go home to.

I am not an expert painter, but the past few days have given me a chance to bond with the new space. Tuesday morning I popped in there before I went to work, and burned some sage and did my best to bring some  positive intention into the space. I wouldn’t go so far as to call it a house blessing, but I did want to clear out any staleness, and encourage it to be a place of creativity, compassion, nurturing etc. My family thinks I’m pretty crazy, but I keep re-iterating to them that the apartment has really good energy.  I think they keep waiting for me to have “buyers remorse” but thus far, I have none. The only questionable decision was paint…. I’ve spent the last month pouring over paint swatches, and finally narrowed it down to what I thought were the perfect colors... I’m not sure how I missed the fact that the room next to the red wall in the kitchen was going to be a golden yellow, but the second the paint when up my hallway was reminiscent of a Ronal McDonald House… Oh dear god.  It was supposed to be a spice red, and neutral golden… but what went on the walls was more tomato soup, and double yellow line/ yellow curb looking. Does it get any more ketchup and mustard? Honestly, how did I not realize this before? The colors looked ok by themselves, but after some contemplating and polling, I decided to paint the nook area more of a terra cotta/ neutral pumpkin color instead. It’s still really warm (and a little bright) but at least it doesn’t make me want to order a happy meal.

Though I really should be packing tonight, I’m giving myself the night off. The last few days have just been a little nutty, and I’ve felt so scattered and all over the place. I’m totally in awe of all of my friends with children… lately I feel like it is a chore just to feed myself and take care of my work responsibilities, personal projects, volunteer stuff, moving, painting, writing… having a life (HA). I can’t imagine what it would be like to have the responsibility of a family, and everyone else’s needs and projects, and hunger… most days I can hardly pull myself together! So I feel a bit pathetic admitting that tonight, more than ever, I need a little time to catch up and focus on something besides work, projects, and the move.

Thankfully, I’ve got the perfect place to retreat to this week. My boss is out of town, so for the next ten days I have the vineyard house all to myself. Yes, taking care of the dog does add an additional stress element to the move, but it’s all worth it at the end of the day when I get to come home to a  spacious kitchen, spectacular view, and a bath tub big enough for two. (Not that I have two people in there, mind you). It is so nice not to have to worry about all the unsettling/ settling parts of the move, trying to cook in a kitchen where everything is packed, finding the box with the bedding etc. I can leave all of that behind me at the end of the day, cook myself a real meal, pour a glass of wine, crawl into the tub, and call it a night.  If there were ever a week that I needed a place to play house, this would be the week. I get to escape from the moving chaos, and for a few hours a day I get the luxury of making my own meals, sleeping in clean sheets, and not having to navigate the maze of boxes. What more could a girl ask for? Oh yeah, the coffee machine… I’ve written about it before… heart of my hearts… if there was ever a week I needed access to this much espresso, this would be the week!

It's almost moving day, which means I can't procrastinate much longer

T-minus one week until moving day, and my nightmares started right on cue last night. I’m really not nervous or worried about moving, but I think that is largely in-part because I’m not really thinking about the “moving” aspect. I’m distracted with purchasing paint, working long hours, volunteer projects, and other pertinent things like re-writing the entire copy for our new website before tomorrow, and finishing up books so I can put them in a box… I know this will result in mush weeping and gnashing of teeth next week as I begin to curse my procrastinating tendencies, but for now I’m feeling fine. I know the dreams are a result of my nervous sub-conscious, and the nervous energy that is surrounding my family right now regarding my move. Perhaps I should be filled with more angst and stress and motivation… but I pack a few boxes every-day, and the rest will work itself out.

My dream consisted of me going to look at the new place one last time, only to find the floors covered in brown shag carpet, and a combination of dark wood paneling and orange and brown wall-paper on the walls… a north facing kitchen with no natural light, and a landlord who had managed to used the apartment as a storage facility… I remember feeling panicked because I knew it was too late to back out, and that my old apartment was no longer an option… naturally none of this is even close to real life. My new place has beautiful floors, stark white walls, tons of sunlight, and not an inch of clutter in sight (at least not yet).  I’m excited to pick up my new keys tomorrow night, and to promptly start painting on Tuesday (or maybe Wednesday).  I’m not excited to clean out my fridge, and sort the remaining items into boxes and suitcases, but this is what late-nights, coffee, and “the fear” is good for. I’m great under pressure, and have every confidence that in one week, on the eve of actual moving day, everything will be neatly stacked into boxes and piles, and my life will be in a little more order. It might take a miracle, a house-elf, and some last-minute swooping in from my parents, but I’m really hoping it won’t come to that.

I suppose I should go pack another box or two before bed… or at least work on my game-plan for tomorrow’s packing extravaganza… I hesitate to add to the chaos right now… the path to the bathroom is already littered with broken down boxes, half filled suitcases, a pile of recycling, dismembered bookshelves and half a bottle of wine...

Who doesn't love a Terrarium?

This weekend at work we had a Terrarium Class. I'm not sure what exactly it is about terrariums, but I'm really quite smitten with them. I know it is probably a phase, but I think I would be content to make one every day! I spend a good fifteen minutes of every work day, walking around the store looking wistfully at all the terrariums. Thankfully, most of the other employees are equally as smitten, so at least we have a bit of a support group. This smittenness with terrariums dates back to September when my dream wedding took place out at work. I'm not looking to get married anytime soon, but everything about this wedding was filed into my "keep in mind for someday" file. Long tables with burlap runners, succulent bouquets, and yes, terrarium centerpieces. It was this blend of rustic elegance, and my co-worker and I stood there awe-struck, mouths agape, and ever sine then I've had this warm & fuzzy feeling towards the indoor container gardens.

The smittenness continued when the Roost catalog arrived at work... (can I please live on every page of this catalog?) Terrariums were heavily featured (as well as countless other yummy things), and it began to fill us with positive reinforcement that we NEEDED terrariums at work...

I think we were all a little disappointed that the class only had 12 people. I mean who wouldn't want to build a terrarium, or six terrariums? Maybe it is a generational thing... I know they are a bit retro, but quite frankly, my generation missed terrariums the last time they were in vogue, and maybe that is why we are going all ape shit for them now. They really are starting to pop up all over the place (just keep your eyes open the next time you are out shopping... trust me, you will start to see them everywhere). I know my attachment to them right now is partially due to the crazy weather we had here last week. I am itching to plant, I am craving spring, yet gardening is still a ways off. What better way to assuage that feeling that creating an adorable little eco-system that can sit in your living room?

I always feel a twinge of disappointment when something that I am so passionately in love with doesn't excite other people. I know, to each his own... and not everyone in the world is going to love baseball, and terrariums and all the other little things that make me tick. I just hate that feeling when I cannot keep my joy contained for another second, and then I realize that my enthusiasm is being wasted on an audience who could care less. Is it too much to want people to be excited that you are excited? I always kid my brother that he is all dead on the inside,  and this week I've been feeling like this is a trait also carried by the rest of my family, as I watch everyone's eyes glaze over as I talk about moving and terrariums. It was the same way when I planned my trip to Boston. I was practically peeing my pants with excitement, hello life long dream coming to fruition, and not a soul even expressed an ounce of excitement. Maybe I was bouncing off the walls enough for everyone...  To be fair, I know I do this when my brother starts talking about teaching, and I also know that since I tend to get really excited about the every-day things, it is really easy for me to get disappointed and hung up on the little things too. (like being disappointed when people aren't more excited about the same things I'm excited about) I can't help it. But I would much rather have this passion for every day experiences than not have any passion at all. 

Granted, I wish that more people in my life (or anyone in my life for that matter) liked baseball, had a passion for planting things, and got excited about things like coloring books, and really good coffee. And Terrariums... I mean who doesn't just love a terrarium?

For those of you out there who are also crushing on Terrariums here are a few great links.
 

http://floragrubb.com/florasblog/?p=593

http://www.designspongeonline.com/2009/08/made-with-love-found-terrariums.html

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/03/garden/03terrarium.html

Caffeine induced tangent regarding: the gender gap, insecurities, and how other people perceive us

*As a rule, I’m not a fan of disclaimers… that being said, I’ve had a lot of coffee today.

A few weeks ago, there was a story on NPR about the gender gap in the workplace. I know that the pay gap has been a long debated issue, but what I found most interesting about this article was the fact that most women are not motivated to ask for a raise, and when they do, they are often viewed as pushy or too dominating. Even when men and women were given the exact same script, the men were granted raises with no questions asked, as were the women, but the women were always viewed in a negative light. Why is this? I mean I know body language, and execution are key factors, but I thought it was so interesting how women have to put that much more thought into it, and go through that much more effort for the same result.

I will be the first to admit, that I can be very emphatic, and sometimes my non-verbals are hard to read, I react quickly, and not always in a good way, but I think that can be said for all people, not necessarily gender specific. And yet it seems like people are often more willing to cut men a little slack. Men who are passionate about specific things are highly valued, but when a woman is passionate about something it is often suggested that perhaps she is TOO attached, TOO involved, TOO emotional. Then the question of hormones comes up, and it is often a downward spiral. I’m just speaking in general terms here, as this is not, and has never been my own experience. In fact most, if not all ,of the jobs I have ever had, I’ve had a female boss or supervisor… And most of the women that I know personally are very motivated and dedicated women who aren’t afraid to speak their minds, ask for what they want, etc. (In theory, I am outraged by the pay gap, but in my personal life, working in an office of all women, it’s not something that readily crosses my mind. I’m not really focusing on the pay gap, so much as the perceptions. )

It seems as though women are often faced with the hormone handicap… which sometimes might work in our favor, but I still hate it. Sure I can be emotional, and irrational, and I may or may not keep a secret stash of chocolate at work at all times, but my emotions have never gotten in the way of my job or my performance at work. Though I can’t say for sure, I don’t think my boss views me as demanding or irrational, and I do think my ability to take charge of a situation and delegate is viewed as a strength and not an imbalance or imperfection. I know it has a lot to do with situations, personalities, and other underlying factors, but it is still a bit disappointing to hear that women have to work that much harder to achieve the same thing that men do (in certain situations… please don’t take this out of context… I’m not trying to be sexist or biased in either direction… just making a comment)

I’ve mostly been thinking about perceptions in terms of gender when it comes to relationships. I have often heard of men who meet women who are in other relationships, and yet they peruse the situation anyway… And it works for them. I’ve know several people who have met their spouses when they were with other people, and the guys just turn on the charm and say “hey I know you are with so and so, but I think you are pretty great… and if your situation changes, here is my number”.  And it’s sort of charming, even flattering… that arrogance, that boldness. But would it be viewed in the same way if a woman were the one making an advance? Would the woman be viewed as bold and sexy and assertive in a good way, or would she simply be thought of as a bitch/ slut/ terrible person for going after someone else’s guy? I know the perception is different depending on who you ask. I’m sure men are never thrilled when other guys approach their girlfriends, but it somehow seems less like a personal affront. And maybe that is where women’s emotions come into play. We think about things, over think things, and I think overall, we are worried more about how people perceive us, and that directly effects our actions. Admitting you have feelings for another woman’s man friend seems like a direct violation of “girl code” regardless of if you know the woman or not. Of course the guy probably wouldn’t think any less of you, but that is where things get tricky. We (meaning women) don’t think like men, and in a situation like this we probably aren’t even that worried about the man’s reaction… we are putting ourselves in the place of the girlfriend. We automatically think “how would I feel if someone approached my beau? What would I say about her to my girlfriends?” and I think this role-reversal way of thinking tends to make us feel guilty.

I think this is the main difference between men and women (at least in this context), women care much more about how they are being perceived, and perhaps this is what people pick up on. Guys don't give a shit (ok maybe they do, but they appear not to) who they might be offending etc Maybe we subconsciously put that, for lack of a better word, insecurity, out there. We spend so much time worrying about how our actions are going to reflect on us, and maybe we go a little overboard. Maybe we start projecting our own worries and fears onto other people, and maybe that comes out in our body language and overall aura.  Maybe the same thing applies to the gender-gap workplace situation?

This is not me trying to say that all women are neurotic and subconsciously worried about what everyone else thinks, and that men somehow aren't,  but I do think it makes a lot of sense. I think in a lot of situations men just go for it, and they don’t care what other people think or how they will react, and how they will be viewed later. As women we really value relationships, and starting from a young age we have this intrinsic desire to be liked, to fit in, to be accepted. And so we are wary of putting ourselves in situations that will make us the “other”.

Again, this is a huge generalization mixed with quite a bit of speculation… there is no one here to dispute or debate with, and I would say that most of the women that I know are not subconsciously worried about what other people think about them. 

I really only bring the topic up, since I’m currently quite smitten with a guy who already has a leading lady. And part of me thinks I should feel bad about that, and yet, I don’t. Granted, I know it isn’t going anywhere, I have no desire to be the other woman, or steal anyone’s boyfriend ( that just isn’t me.) But I do have this strange desire to just put it out there and say “hey I know you are taken, but if you are ever not, give me a call”. And it seems so innocent in my mind. Just an honest expression. Maybe a bit unexpected, a little bold, but also flattering, no? I mean isn’t it always nice to hear that someone thinks you are kind of awesome? Sure, there is a lot of potential for awkwardness… but when has that ever deterred me from anything?  It might just be the coffee talking…  But I feel like with the right execution, the right amount of confidence, and casualness it could be ok.  Maybe if I put it out there with reckless abandon, no emotional attachment, and without giving it too much though, it will come out effortless and natural, and not surrounded with an awkward, self-conscious, “I’m a terrible person” aura.

This all seemed to be related when I started writing this… and I should probably stop before it gets to be too much of a tangent.  Perhaps it’s a topic that would better be discussed over a few beers with some friends, rather than put out into the blogging world. But, maybe not.

It's all about little changes

How is it March already? I mean I know February is the shortest month of the year... but come on! Where did this month come from? Yesterday I was feeling a bit more foot-loose and fancy free, and suddenly today, March 1st, I'm feeling the deadlines, events, projects, etc closing in. Moving in two weeks? Terror!

But I'm also really excited by the potential of March. Spring is just around the corner, or so people keep telling me... I look outside and I'm not so sure. Though right now the packing (or lets be honest, the thoughts of packing) are a little daunting, I am quite excited to be starting off my spring in a new apartment. I have been feeling like I'm in a rut, and though I know packing up all my worldly belongings and re-locating isn't going to totally change that, I think it will be just the motivation I need. Since I'm starting fresh with my living situation, I'm ready to start fresh in other areas of my life as well.

I'm actually doing fairly well with my New Years non-resolution, resolutions. Sure, I'm sucking at the cardio, but I am doing a really good job blogging more frequently, and I'm spending more time reading, and consuming a lot more water. Baby-steps. So I'm going to give myself a bit of a resolution boost for the month of March. 
It's no secret that over the past few months (or years, whatever) I am becoming more and more "farmy" And not in the quaint, charming, organic sort of way. More in the wearing holy jeans to work since it is cold and rainy, and there is a good chance that at any given moment I might be asked to help a customer schlep pottery into the back of their car sort of way. And for me the term "farmy" often translates to frumpy. I've transitioned into one of those people who wears yoga pants to the grocery store (and work meetings) and though I DO work on a farm, and until recently I was spending countless hours a week in yoga school and still spend countless hours a week, teaching and taking yoga class, there is really no excuse. Lately I've been feeling paranoid, expecting Stacey & Clinton to pop out from behind some shrub with secret footage, berating my leg wamers and Dave Matthews Band tee shirts that often make their way into my everyday wardrobe... And really, there is a lot to say for being comfortable... but there is also a lot to say about being a twenty-five-year-old professional, and so in March, I'm challenging myself to get out of my fashion rut. This month I'm going to wear real clothes everyday, vary my accessories, and no matter how cold it is, I'm not going to hide behind my down vest (well at least not every day). Don't get me wrong, I'm not striving to impress anyone, and I have no problem with people who wear yoga pants to the grocery store, but sometimes I miss my days of the tasting room work place, when I could wear cute shoes, flirty skirts, and I knew that every piece of my wardrobe from Anthropologie would get ample wearing time. Nowadays comfort and practicality is king, so I don my clogs, and inexpensive jeans, throw on a sweatshirt, and embrace the casualness... And lets be honest, in the midst of a move, I'm sure that is still going to happen,  but this month I'm making sure there is a time and a place for the extra-super casual, and its not EVERYDAY. I'm not going over-board... but I am going to put a little bit more effort in putting together my outfits.

I'm also going to spend everyday in March brushing my teeth like today is the day I'm going to the dentist. Don't get me wrong, I brush my teeth multiple times a day, but lately I'm realizing that your teeth are with you forever, and when you add in the copious amounts of coffee I drink daily, I figure the very least I can do is floss, and spend that entire 2 minutes brushing my teeth.

I'm also going to try to focus on eating more raw food. It's pretty rough this time of year, but I'm becoming more and more aware of how my body feels when I'm stuffing it full of overcooked, reheated, and processed foods all day, and I think I owe it to myself to increase my green leafy intake. It is a bit of a challenge before growing season has really kicked into gear, but I like a good challenge, and I love a good salad.

Keeping on the healthy eating kick, I'm also taking more vitamins this month. I know, in theory, I should be able to get everything I need from my food... but some days you drink 3 cups of coffee, and eat french fries for lunch (ok that day was today), so I'm going the supplemental route. Plus with the overcast days ahead, I'm adding some Vitamin D, extra calcium, and b-12 into the mix.  I feel like a huge dork, but I've actually got one of the days of the week pill-boxes. Its kinda like an advent calendar, for old and boring people...but I began to embrace that roll long ago, so its like a step in the right direction.

As a result of all of these minuscule changes, I'm hoping to feel a bit more like myself... or at least a more energized self. More sass, less frump, new beginnings... But I'm still going to wear flannel.

It's Official: Let the Moving Games Begin!

So as I mentioned, I found an apartment! And I’m still in that giddy place where all I can think about is paint colors, and new items I might need, and I’m blocking out the imminent packing, sorting, and overall hassles that come along with moving.

I can honestly say that this apartment is everything that I’m looking for, and finding it was just the mood boost that needed. It was really refreshing to have put it all out there for the universe, set an intention and a goal, and to then find exactly what I wanted. Granted it took several months, a lot of patience, a little frustration, and countless hours spent pouring over Craigslist, Property Management websites, and classified ads. It also goes to show that you have to be a bit flexible and open-minded. I clicked the listing on a whim, thinking it was a bit out of my price range, but it doesn’t hurt to look right? And from there on out, I was quickly smitten with the place. And only a block away from where I currently live… who knew that what I had in mind was right under my nose?

The first selling point was that it has a garbage disposal. Granted, after my recent run-in with my parent’s garbage disposal, I’m not quite as excited about this feature, but at the time it was a huge selling point. It also has lots of cupboard space, hardwood floors, a lot of windows, a large and quaint patio area, a garden plot, washer and dryer a bathroom sink with a bit of counter space, and I’m allowed to paint! Not only that, but it has energy efficient windows, and there is even a composter in the back yard! I was a little disappointed at first, because it seemed that dogs were not a possibility; however, it just goes to show that it never hurts to ask for what you want! It turns out that my directness and willingness to put it all out there and go for what I want does pay off in some circumstances.

Not only was I able to negotiate a Bulldog privileges (If and when I decide the timing is right), I was also able to get the landlord to lower the rent to be the same as what I’m currently paying, and to include electricity! Which means, by the time I pay for a prorated share of the water, and a portion of the garbage, I’ll be paying essentially what I’m paying now!  Also, the landlord is contemplating putting built-in book shelves in the bonus nook. I’ve always wanted built in bookshelves! I need to get in there and look around again and mentally place some furniture before I give him the go-ahead, but in general I love the idea of having move shelves.

Ok so I won’t be closer to Portland… but I will be a bit closer to the Farmer’s Market, and the new café that will soon be opening (and they are going to serve Stumptown!) There is finally going to be a spot for my Meyer Lemon Tree, and I’ll be able to plant a real garden! Tomatoes, and cucumbers, and beets, and beans, and peas, and tomatillos, and whatever else my little plant loving heart desires (provided I have enough room).

I know that moving somewhere new isn’t going to radically change my life… but I am excited to be excited about the place I’m going to live. I have a lot more pep in my step now that I’m gushing over paint colors, and contemplating gardening possibilities. Yesterday at the store, I impulse bought the newest issue of Living,  which features the ultimate guide to vegetable gardening, as well as how to use every inch of your small space gardens... That Martha, she makes everything look so effortless, but at least it gives me a jumping off point.  I’m excited to compost, and arrange furniture, I’m excited to spend time in the kitchen! (which is something that I cannot say right now). I’m sure in a few weeks I will be cursing the hassle of packing up boxes, and yelling at the automated operator who will make moving my internet seem like my own personal version of hell, but underneath it all I think I will still have that new apartment glow. 

And actually the timing for the move is perfect. The landlord wants to do some maintenance before I move in, so I was able to give 30 days notice, and will only have a week of overlap between the two spaces. This means I have plenty of time to paint before I make the actual move, and hopefully a day or two to clean the old place. I will also be house-sitting for my boss during the transitional period, so I should have plenty of time to unpack kitchen stuff, and do a bit of nesting and settling before I actually “move in” which I think will be helpful to my sanity. Having somewhere else to sleep and eat during a move is always a bonus. Also my bestie suddenly has a lot of free time on her hands, so she is going to come help me paint the new place. Now if only I could settle on the colors! 

 I went a little crazy at Lowe's last week

But I think I've done a good job narrowing it down significantly

Bedroom-Green

Kitchen-Red

Livingroom- Beige/  Light golden/ Taupe

Bonus Nook- Yellow-Gold

I was really surprised with how un-imaginative some of the paint-names were... I mean really who wants to paint anything a color named "Beach 003" I know it's completely irrelivent, but I am so much more likely to pick a color with a name like "Fresh Bread" " "Little Sprout" "Neutria" or "Greek Tapenade" (and yes I realize that most of the colors I like are named after food... I don't think its a coincidence) But come on, wouldn't you rather paint your walls with a color called "Tightrope" than with a just straight up "Taupe"? (or even worse, Taupe 3) I really did try to only consider how the color looked and not what it was called, but with all the options out there, you have to narrow it down somehow! My old bedroom at my parent's house was "Dill Pickle". That is so much more sassy than "olive green 5".  Anyway, I'm still narrowing it down, but I think I'm leaning towards... calling in second and third opinions.