this real life dating is hard stuff

Today has been one of those weird days… I’m a little bored (and in my head I keep thinking, “only boring people get bored” and then I start making mental lists… but sometimes being bored is preferable to being productive… sometimes!) I know a lot of it has to do with the seasonal shift. Fall, though it is my favorite season, always brings out a little anxiety.  I’m compensating with extra vitamin d, 5HTP, and meditation and exercise… but there is still this very predictable sense of anxiety. From a very young age, I think we are trained that fall means change. The leaves turn colors, it gets colder, school starts, etc etc. After sixteen years full of consistently scheduled change, being an adult with the same job, in the same town can seem a little stagnant. (Especially in Oregon with crush right around the corner. It’s not something that interests me, but I do find myself jealous of the interns who come from all over the world for a few weeks/months. Nothing is permanent, everything is new, and when it’s all over, they go on to the next thing, or back to their normal lives. In that regard I feel like the wine industry gets to be the Never Never Land… You don’t have to grow up and live in one place and settle down… you can travel the world and learn to make wine… year after year after year ) And since my collegiate years are not that far behind me, I’m still a little nostalgic for that sense of controlled change. I’m happy with my job, I love where I live… but I’m restless. More accurately I’m lonely… which is frustrating because it’s not exactly something I can just change overnight.

Being single in the summer is easy. I’m working a million hours, mostly on weekends, life feels chaotic, and my free time is spent trying to see friends, be outside, garden etc. Plus, there are always those few weeks when its so hot outside its almost impossible to sleep at night, and I lay awake thanking the universe in that moment that I am not obligated to sleep next to anyone. Of course, once fall rolls around, I take it all back. My schedule starts to slow down, I suddenly have free weekends, and downtime during the week, the garden is dying and there are fewer distractions. It’s cool in the evenings, and snuggling starts to sound more and more appealing.

At least I have a pattern. Looking back on the past few years it always seems to be around this time that I decide I need to change something in my life… I get lonely enough, and stubborn enough, and brave enough that I decide it’s time I make things happen. (meaning I ask someone out, or do something to try and get myself out of my comfort zone, and exposed to new people and opportunities.) It mostly always backfires… but it isn’t for lack of trying. I’m a huge believer in taking control of your own destiny… I just wish I had more to show for it. I am endlessly frustrated by the fact that I get overwhelmingly lonely, and there isn’t anything that I can actively do to change it. Sure, I have friends, yes I get out of the house, I have a roommate, and a dog, and my family lives less than a mile away. In that regard there are options… but I cannot make someone date me. Yes, I’m aware that I could go online… but I’m just not there yet. So much of my day is spent on the computer for work, the idea of trying to cultivate a relationship through a computer database (which I’ve heard feels like homework) is far less appealing than being lonely… I’m just not there. Call me old fashioned… but I’m pretty sure people used to meet and date in real life… Sure, You’ve Got Mail is pretty much my favorite movie of all time, and the whole online thing seemed to work out well for Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks… but until I have a guy writing me e-mails about bouquets of freshly sharpened pencils, I will remain ever skeptical of online dating.

  

Then again, at this point I’m kind of skeptical of real life dating as well. Maybe this is just my jaded single girl talking, but when did dating become this hard? Am I totally delusional in thinking that as we get older, dating should be less awkward? (though I guess if you date mostly never, it clearly becomes more awkward). But in theory, dating as a 27 year old should be fairly effortless. You meet someone you like, you give them your number, you grab a casual drink, and if you like how things are going you make a second date. You have social skills, and your hormones are hopefully in less flux, and you can make rational decisions. This sounds simple enough, yes?

Then flash back to what dating was like at 16. Everything was significantly more awkward, there was less text messaging (ok, no text messaging) your friends were mostly involved in all your decisions, sometimes your parents had to drive you places, and you ended up going to places like Subway or the bowling alley, because where else do you go on a date as a 16 year old when neither of you have real jobs and live in a tiny town? (I fully admit, maybe this was just my 16 year old experience) Add to that the hormones, and the break outs, and the orthodontics , and the questionable fashion.. it’s amazing that we survived high school dating at all.

And yet… I had way more boyfriends in high school than I have had in my adult life… talk about a terrifying statistic. My shy, socially awkward, home-schooled self just might have more dating experience than my confident, mature, adult self. Pardon me while I pour myself an adult beverage and let that sink in.

The other night I was talking with my friend Amanda about dating. She is happily married, but as we talked over drinks she was reminiscing about things she would have done differently as a single woman. She said she would have played harder to get, been less available… but she always figured that the right guy wouldn’t mind that she wasn’t… and turns out, he didn’t.  When it comes to dating, I’ve never been one to play games. I say what is on my mind, I’m upfront about things, if I’m available I’m available, and if I like you I like you, and I’m not afraid to say as much… Sure, there is something to be said for feminine mystique, or keeping them guessing… and I’m sure that some guys really like that… but the more that I observe my single friends and how they are with Men, the more I realize how that just isn’t for me.  (maybe this is also why I’m single… the verdict is still out).

Thankfully I’m not jaded enough to think that I should try to be something that I’m not… that no guy will ever fall for me unless I’m playing hard to get.  But I am still frustrated with dating in general. The worst part is that I’m completely just wishing for the comfortable part of a relationship, and not as interested in the dating part. Don’t get me wrong… there is a little red dress in my closet just waiting for the right occasion, but on nights like tonight I don’t want to be out for drinks and dinner… I kinda just want to be curled up on the couch with a good book and a cup of tea… only I wish there was someone curled up next to me besides my bulldog (who is snoring as he plays the role of little spoon). I want that last phone call of the night, the person who isn’t terrified of my tragic morning hair. I want the non-awkward conversations, I want to be past the point of facebook stalking, and trying to figure out if you have compatible interests, and talking about what type of music you like.  It just seems like a lot of work… don’t get me wrong, I’m willing to go there, I’m willing to put forth the effort, to actually go through the rituals of dating. But at this point, I haven’t really found anyone who is willing to go there with me.

I’ve been trying to get to know someone… numbers have been acquired, some text message flirting has happened, dates have been set, and subsequently cancelled… excuses have been made, and they’ve all been legitimate…but I’m starting to feel like the timing is just off… like I shouldn’t have to try this hard to make a first date happen… Because at this point I don’t know anything about him, I don’t know if there is chemistry, I don’t know if it is really something that I want to pursue… But there is this nagging part of me that says neither one of us should decide that before we actually get the chance to go out. If there is no chemistry, fine… But at this point he doesn’t really know anything about me either… but shouldn’t we at least be allowed to lobby for ourselves? I mean isn’t that what first dates essentially are? A chance for you to put your best foot forward, to give someone else a glimpse into your life and who you are, and hope they like what they see enough to come back for date number two? In some regards throwing in the towel before date number one even happens seems like selling myself short… There is no chance for me to be charming, or awkward, or to make any impression whatsoever! At least if things went awry, I’d know that it was for a reason greater than scheduling conflicts and poor timing…

Sadly, dating was so much easier ten years ago when you could just pass notes in English class and hold hands in the hallway… this real life dating is hard stuff.

More words to come...soon

I don’t event want to think about how long it has been since I’ve blogged… What can I say? Life with a full time job, a bulldog, and 2 yoga gigs is sometimes a little nutty. Add to that a few mini-vacations, lots of weddings, and a garden and backyard that is ever consuming my life, and you  get, well, a lot of excuses.   I’ve been spending the past few weeks soaking up the last little bits of Oregon Summer, reuniting with my besties,  and mentally prepping for the craziness that is Harvest time in Oregon wine country.

Here are a few photo highlights to tide you all over. More words to come... soon.

Photo Booth Fun

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wedding Dates

Together at last with the Besties

Two weekends, Two Weddings, Two Bouquets...

Linfield Pyramid!(ish)

Bulldog Pool Time

Backyard Buddies

Late Summer Blooms

Tomatillos: The taste of summertime

If there is one thing that tastes like summer, it is salsa verde.  It’s the perfect hot weather food, it’s super easy to make, and it just tastes fresh and green! Its pretty much my go to food in the summer. I make it for snacks and gatherings, and I put it on everything. Chips, eggs, meat, cous-cous,  you name it!  Currently that I have five thriving tomatillo plants in my garden. I planted a few last year, and they did moderately well, but not spectacularly… but  with a new year, more gardening experience, good intentions, and visions of salsa verde, I made another attempt this year.

The two plants I purchased did really well… and then as I was getting ready to move from my apartment to my house, I noticed that I had about 15 volunteer tomatillos sprouting up, so I dug up a few, and brought them with me when I moved as an experiment. Why not? I was half expecting them to bite the dust,  but if they didn’t survive I wouldn’t be heartbroken.  Turns out they are now thriving, and now I have more tomatillos growing in my garden than anything else.  

Since I have tomatillos in abundance, I started to research other things I could make with them. As I mentioned, salsa verde is the perfect summer snack, but really, there is only SO much salsa verde you can make, so I’ve been trying to expand my tomatillo horizons.  They have this great astringent quality to them, and I really like the flavor… almost like green apple. And their texture is fantastic! Most recipes that I found wanted to use the tomatillos  to pair with Spanish/Mexican food. Delicious, but predictable... so I've been trying to do some different things with them. Lately I’ve been making fried tomatillos, sort of as a riff off fried green tomatoes… but I actually like them better, because the tomatillos are more firm, and easier to fry.

I love the different shades and shapes

You have to soak/ rinse them off before using them, cause they tend to be sticky/ slimy

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Sunset Magazine recently featured a recipe for pickled tomatillos, which have been dying to try, and they also suggested putting them in a grilled cheese sandwich with bacon (which I did, and it was delicious).  I’ve always been a bit fearful of pickling, but it seemed fairly straightforward, and they are just refrigerator pickles, so they were easy enough. I have yet to try them, but they look beautiful in the jar, and apparently they are a great accompaniment to bloody marys. I made mine on Wednesday, so they’ve been in the fridge developing some flavor… I have high hopes for them. 

Earlier in the week I was wanting a really quick meal, so I ended up roasting some tomatillos under the broiler, and blending them into a sauce. Probably the easiest sauce I’ve ever made, and the flavor was fantastic. I added in some grilled onions and a bit of salt, blended everything in the blender and voila. I just served it over rice, but the sauce had a nice richness to it, and I think it would actually make a great addition to any tomato sauce. 

Roasted Tomatillos

I still have tomatillos coming out my ears, and I think salsa verde will still be a staple in my house for the next several weeks,  so here is the recipe.

•  
• 2 cloves garlic, pealed
• Tomatillos (to taste…. 6-7?) peeled, washed and quartered.
• Bundle of cilantro
• 1 Serrano pepper, roasted
• Onion (again to taste… I never measure)
• Salt
• Agave nectar to taste.
• Avocado
• ½ lime

Put everything in a food processor except the avocado and lime.  Blend until desired consistency, add in avocado and fresh squeezed lime juice.Serve on anything and everything.

cooking for one isn't always fun

There are days when I find the most un-rewarding part of being single is the fact that I have to cook alone. Mostly it’s not a big deal, but on some occasions I find it rather annoying. You use just as many dishes, it takes just as long, and in the end, you eat alone, and then have to tackle the mess yourself. It’s a little anti-climactic. At least for me. I tend to forget about the mess, enjoy the meal, and then lose all motivation whatsoever. I go from delicious to disgruntled in a matter of seconds when hours later I wander back into the kitchen to find my dinner mess still there. (you know in Arrested Development when George Michal is sad, and he slumps home to the snoopy music? That is me, every single time.)  Its fine,  I’ll do the dishes… but sometimes it’s a lot of work. It’s a lot of work to plan a menu, to cook, to do the dishes… and sure, I enjoy it… but there are days when I’d much rather just eat avocado on toast for every meal, and call it good.  Cooking can be a hassle, and there are days when I feel like “If I’m going to go through all the dishes, and all the time, and all the cleanup, I might as well be sharing it with someone.” . I love playing hostess and I think that good meals are meant to be shared. But I also think that I was meant to have a sous chef… or at least someone to help with the dishes

We are still in the midst of the Oregon summer heat wave, so the thought of coming home and turning on the stove or the oven isn’t exactly appealing. But tonight I suddenly found myself with a little extra free time, I was hungry, and in the mood for something wonderful. I had eaten a snack of roasted green beans with a side of ice cream (its true kids, when you grow up you can eat ice cream for dinner… and you probably will) but I was in the mood for something a little more substantial. I ate out for lunch, so grabbing take-out wasn’t really an option. I could have just made some popcorn, or perhaps succumbed to the package of Top Raman sitting on the bottom shelf (it’s for emergencies… like lack of cooking inspiration Tuesdays or something) but considering that it’s Julia Child’s 100^th birthday, it seemed sacrilegious to dine on popcorn or Raman.

Instead I opted for quesadillas. Not exactly inspired by French cuisine, but at least I did turn on both the stove and the oven.

My first hurdle was that I was out of  cheese. Well not really, I have a block of cheddar cheese sitting in the staff fridge at work. So. Not. Helpful. I scrounged around and found some sliced Swiss cheese, and decided to continue on with my cooking endeavor. I put  some refried beans on the stove, and went out to the garden to harvest some tomatillos. I’ve pretty much been living on salsa verde for the past few weeks. Super easy, super delicious, no real cooking required. (AKA perfect in this heat wave) I was still feeling a little lazy though, and not wanting to soil the freshly cleaned food processor, I opted to make a salad rather than a salsa.

• 5 tomatillos
• 4 slices of jicima
• ½ avocado
• Handful of cilantro
• 1 ear roasted corn
• A few table spoons of chopped onion
• Freshly squeezed lime
• salt.

It wasn’t exactly a mind blowing meal, but it was satisfying, and at least the clean up was easy. 

Ice Cream and Air conditioning

It’s finally summer time in Oregon. You know, the two weeks of incredibly hot weather, that inspire everyone to run out and buy a kiddie pool and an air conditioner (check, and check, but I’ve had mine for a while… and I qualify them as bulldog necessities). I could probably survive without either of them, but my little wrinkly friend is having a rough time in the heat.

Its usually  about this time of year that I break out the ice cream maker. Over the weekend I had my first taste of Fifty Licks ice cream. Coconut Lemon Saffron, on a cone. It. was. perfection.  And so on this incredibly hot day, I got the ice cream maker out of storage and went to work.  I’ve actually been using  said ice cream maker quite a bit this year, but had yet to make ice cream (thank you Jay, for inspiring it to be a staple of summer time adult beverages. Frozen lemonade and vodka? Frozen rum & coke?). I didn’t do anything quite as innovative as Fifty Licks, no unusual herbs, spices, or ingredients,  but I did have an abundant Marion berry harvest, so I decided to stick with a tried and true recipe.

The Easiest and possibly most delicious ice cream you will ever make.  

(sorry all you vegans)

• 1 can sweetened condensed milk
• ½ pint heavy cream
• ¼ quart half and half
• 2-3 cups of berries (I used Marion Berries, but I think blueberries would also be delicious)
• ¼ cup of sugar (mixed over the berries)

Mix ingredients together, Put in ice cream maker, and watch the magic happen.

 

It is so delicious, you might be like me, and not quite able to wait until it is completely frozen (I may or may not have eaten several spoonfuls while the machine was still running).  And the best part, is that I don’t have to leave the comfort of my air conditioned home, or wait in  line!

Then & Now hairstyles, and the trials of the grow out.

Last night as I was waiting in line at the grocery store I started to read the covers of magazines. It was 9pm, and the only line open was the express lane (even though pretty much everyone had WAY more than 10 items) so I had a lot of time to peruse. As I did, one cover story caught my eye “The secret to longer, healthier, shinier hair.” I thought about it for a few moments, and then on impulse added the magazine  onto the conveyer belt with my French bread and Parmesan cheese. Why not?

I’ve been in the process of growing out my hair for six months. I constantly go back and forth between the “I love my effortless short hair” and “please god, it won’t grow fast enough” though I’m convinced that every woman goes through this stage. Generally speaking I am not attached to my hair. I’ve had long, I’ve had short, and that is what is fun about hair, it grows back! I’ve never understood the women who have their whole identity wrapped up in their locks,  the women who treat a bad hair cut like a social death sentence… just give it a couple of weeks! That being said, I AM trying to grow out my hair, and it is getting a little frustrating.

Once  upon a time, back when I was in high school, my brother told me that I would probably never find a boyfriend if I had short hair, because guys prefer long hair (I’m paraphrasing… I don’t think he actually used those words… well, actually he might have). This is something that has stuck with me. I have ignored it most of my life, but every now and then when I start to question my single status the thoughts start to creep in there “is it because of my hair?”  Of course the feminist in me always instantly retorts back “I don’t want to date a guy who is that shallow anyway” and I probably don’t… but then again, I would like to be dating… and heck, if longer tresses up my odds a little bit, why not? I've been changing my hairstyle consistently since I was 14. Once upon a time I had really unfortunate layers, and it didn't help that I had a retainer, glasses and was labeled as the "home-schooled kid"I cut my hair off to the Jennifer Aniston bob, totally loved it, and kept on getting it shorter and shorter. Side note... Its important to have a good stylist when you have short hair, and one who isn't petty. The woman who cut my hair in high school was the mother of a girl in my grade. And let me tell you, the pettyness ran ramped in the school. I once got a hair cut that was supposed to be like Mandy Moore circa 2002  and instead I returned from my lunch break looking like Oprah. No 17 year old wants her hair to look like Oprah. 

   

Regardless, I was, and am totally confident with my short hair style, and I think that most days I can rock the pseudo hipster short hair  so long as I’m exuding confidence.  But some days I wake up, and I look in the mirror and think “ok maybe this style isn’t doing me any favors” and it takes a while to get the confidence rolling. I would like to say that my sparkling personality makes up for any potential hair weirdness… but then again I’m often not as approachable as I think I am. Last week when I was in Ashland some guy on the street actually said to me “Excuse me, miss? I think you dropped your smile back here!”  Its not that I’m surly, or pissed off at the world, I’m just focused… which often translates into disgruntled, stuck up, or irritated. I’m digressing, and this is a completely different issue that I’m trying to work on (if you see me walking around town with a strange smile on my face I’m not having a nervous breakdown, I’m just trying to be more approachable… someone tell me if I look crazy town). But anyway, I’m growing my hair out for a bit. I’ll probably get bored in another few months, and have to decide to if I want to cut it back off and have a few weeks of “damn I love this sassy hair” or if I want to keep trucking on through the awkward grow out.

Truth be told, I think my stylist might be behind  the slow going… yes, growing out short hair is a challenge. Yes, there is bound to be an awkward “between styles” period where everything is just a little weird and frumpy, and I have resigned myself to that. I mean, its hair, it gets better… and yet over the past six months I’m not sure that I have noticed a change in the length… and what is really disheartening is that looking at pictures from a year ago my hair was longer than it is now! The one time I didn’t take a picture with me to the stylist it got a bit short (I looked so much like my mother, it was a little scary) and the style has been recovering ever since. And she also psychs me out a little bit. Once I went in for a little minor trim and she said something like "yeah it is looking a bit mushroomy" naturally visions of Super Mario Brothers started flashing through my head, and no one wants that! cut it all off, make it better!  It makes sense, I mean why would you want a regular client who comes in every 6 weeks to grow out her hair. I don't think she is being malicious, it does need some trimming/ some help. But maybe not THAT much help.

 Some days are better than others when it comes to styling. Actually, this week alone I have had two separate guys randomly comment “You have a really cute hair cut!” (one I’m sure was gay, the other was married, but hey, if the gays like it I must be doing something right? Please no one take that comment as offensive.) Then again, there are the times when I get IDed at restaurants, and the waitress will inevitably say something like “oh my gosh, do you miss your hair?” You win some, you lose some.

For now, I’m still attempting to grow it out. I know it can be done, because I have done it before… the main question is, do I have the patience?  The first time I cut my hair really short, I was in Paris.  I had fairly long hair, but was craving something a little different, something spontaneous, and the metro stop closest to our hotel was right by a Redkin hair salon. There was this really edgy cut in the window, and every day I would think “I wonder if I could pull that off” So one free afternoon, I went in, pointed to the picture, and got my first ever hair cut where there was a major language barrier involved. The stylist would cut a little and look at me nervously, “ça va?”  “Oui, ça va” and it was. I loved that hair cut! 

Ignore the bad posture, but focus on the cute Parisian hat & fun hair.

The Parisian Hair Salon

Two years later, my hair was the longest it had been since middle school, who has the time/money/energy to keep up a short hair style in college? Come to think of it, I’m not quite sure how I keep it up now… which is another main factor in trying to grow out my hair… relatively speaking, this style is low maintenance. It takes essentially no styling, which is awesome, but I have to get my hair cut every 6-8 weeks so it doesn’t grow into an awkward duck tailed mullet. Nothing says “hey boys I’m single” like an awkward duck tailed mullet. 

Two years later, gorgeous tresses & fun times had by all

 

 

 

 

Present Days... still having fun, still loving the hair, just ready for a change

And so my morning routine includes a Biotin supplement, a pre-natal vitamin,  and occasionally a hot oil scalp massage. Side note, you want to talk about awkward, try purchasing a pre-natal vitamin at the local health food store. Um hello, the one place in town where I run into most people I know on a regular basis. I snuck down the vitamin aisle praying that there were no familiar faces. The clerk gave me a knowing look as I checked out. I wanted to say “um no, not preggo, just growing out my hair, thanks!” but I didn’t know her, and figured she probably wouldn’t be spreading any pregnancy rumors about me, so I smiled back, and hurriedly ran out of the store. Next time, I will probably buy them at costco or somewhere just to add a little extra anonymity. But just to reiterate, there are no babies here, there will be no babies here, I’m just growing out my hair. Hopefully anyone/ everyone rummaging through my medicine cabinet will have read this blog, because that is one rumor I don’t want going around McMinnville. I might forever be branded as the girl who walked down 3^rd street with her skirt tucked into her underwear, but lets not add any baby rumors to the mix. Please and thank you.

For the record, I think they are working. I’ve noticed some significant grow out in the last month, not to mention that my fingernails look great. I’ve only been taking the Biotin for about two weeks, but at the very least, I feel like I’m being proactive. The Elle article pretty much just said that I should be massaging my scalp more regularly… I’ll probably continue with the hot oil treatments (confession, I’m using the really high quality olive oil on my hair and skin… frivolous and ridiculous? Maybe.  I’m adding this to the “like” column of things I like and dislike about my job). 

But this is getting real rambly, and a certain bulldog is completely over my blogging efforts,  (I've gotten about 5 not to subtle head butts in the last few minutes). I think that means it's bed time.