Meditating on Contentment

I’m having one of those glorious fall mornings, where I laid in bed and just listened to the rain. I slept in, ate leftovers for breakfast, snuggled with the bulldog, and lingered over multiple cups of coffee. As I ate bites of stuffed pepper (thank you Janet!) I skimmed through one of my favorite cookbooks, trying to find the perfect muffins to make for breakfast tomorrow, and I took a few moments to just be.

When I meditate-- which is much more sporadic than I would like it to be--I mostly find myself focusing on Santosha, or contentment. Just being in the present moment, and knowing that what I have is enough, my life is enough, and being happy where I am, and this isn’t always the easiest thing. Yes, big picture stuff, I’m in love with my job, my dog, where I live, my garden, I love what I’m doing with my life, and my family, and I have been in a place of contentment with all of that for a long time. But no matter how settled I felt, how secure things were, there was always a nagging feeling of “ this is all amazing, but you don’t have anyone to share it with” And I spend a lot of time dealing with that, and struggling through it, and an awful lot of time trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted without having someone else in my life. And what I realized through all of that, was that I have created this life for myself, and have spent my life cultivating what sort of person I want to be, and as a result, I value myself too much to settle for someone who isn’t right for me. True, I have spent a good long while, longing for someone to share my life with… But I have also been really aware that a sense of contentment is not going to come from being with the wrong person. That being alone, and living my on my terms and in my own way and not being willing to settle for less than what I deserve is far better than spending my life trying to work it out with someone who isn’t quite the right fit.

And then, out of nowhere, along came the right fit. After my last blog post I was feeling a bit disenchanted by dating... feeling like I shouldn't have to be that hard... and on a Friday I asked the universe to be blindsided. I asked for someone who was going to surprise me in every way, who was going to remind me that good guys are out there, who was going to completely change the game for me. And literally the next day, he walked into my kitchen. (my work kitchen, anyway)

It’s kind of surreal when all the qualities that you have been looking for actually manifest in one person… I always sort of wondered if my idea of the perfect man was skewed somehow (I probably planned my wedding to Indiana Jones at least a dozen times as a child) or if I had unreal expectations… turns out I didn’t.  He was not at all the person I was expecting, and on paper, his life isn’t anything I was specifically looking for… but when we are together it just makes sense. We just make sense.  And in my limited dating experience I have had the guys who were good on paper, who I had everything in common with, who it seemed like it should have worked out with… and these were the guys who ended up treating me terribly. So yes, It’s true, he isn’t anything that I was expecting,  but he is so much more than what I was looking for… and I’m excited to see where it goes. I know it is still early, but sometimes when life fits, you just know it… so here I am,  actually settling into a complete stage of contentment, and for the first time being 100% sure that I’m exactly where I am supposed to be. And that is a great feeling.

this real life dating is hard stuff

Today has been one of those weird days… I’m a little bored (and in my head I keep thinking, “only boring people get bored” and then I start making mental lists… but sometimes being bored is preferable to being productive… sometimes!) I know a lot of it has to do with the seasonal shift. Fall, though it is my favorite season, always brings out a little anxiety.  I’m compensating with extra vitamin d, 5HTP, and meditation and exercise… but there is still this very predictable sense of anxiety. From a very young age, I think we are trained that fall means change. The leaves turn colors, it gets colder, school starts, etc etc. After sixteen years full of consistently scheduled change, being an adult with the same job, in the same town can seem a little stagnant. (Especially in Oregon with crush right around the corner. It’s not something that interests me, but I do find myself jealous of the interns who come from all over the world for a few weeks/months. Nothing is permanent, everything is new, and when it’s all over, they go on to the next thing, or back to their normal lives. In that regard I feel like the wine industry gets to be the Never Never Land… You don’t have to grow up and live in one place and settle down… you can travel the world and learn to make wine… year after year after year ) And since my collegiate years are not that far behind me, I’m still a little nostalgic for that sense of controlled change. I’m happy with my job, I love where I live… but I’m restless. More accurately I’m lonely… which is frustrating because it’s not exactly something I can just change overnight.

Being single in the summer is easy. I’m working a million hours, mostly on weekends, life feels chaotic, and my free time is spent trying to see friends, be outside, garden etc. Plus, there are always those few weeks when its so hot outside its almost impossible to sleep at night, and I lay awake thanking the universe in that moment that I am not obligated to sleep next to anyone. Of course, once fall rolls around, I take it all back. My schedule starts to slow down, I suddenly have free weekends, and downtime during the week, the garden is dying and there are fewer distractions. It’s cool in the evenings, and snuggling starts to sound more and more appealing.

At least I have a pattern. Looking back on the past few years it always seems to be around this time that I decide I need to change something in my life… I get lonely enough, and stubborn enough, and brave enough that I decide it’s time I make things happen. (meaning I ask someone out, or do something to try and get myself out of my comfort zone, and exposed to new people and opportunities.) It mostly always backfires… but it isn’t for lack of trying. I’m a huge believer in taking control of your own destiny… I just wish I had more to show for it. I am endlessly frustrated by the fact that I get overwhelmingly lonely, and there isn’t anything that I can actively do to change it. Sure, I have friends, yes I get out of the house, I have a roommate, and a dog, and my family lives less than a mile away. In that regard there are options… but I cannot make someone date me. Yes, I’m aware that I could go online… but I’m just not there yet. So much of my day is spent on the computer for work, the idea of trying to cultivate a relationship through a computer database (which I’ve heard feels like homework) is far less appealing than being lonely… I’m just not there. Call me old fashioned… but I’m pretty sure people used to meet and date in real life… Sure, You’ve Got Mail is pretty much my favorite movie of all time, and the whole online thing seemed to work out well for Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks… but until I have a guy writing me e-mails about bouquets of freshly sharpened pencils, I will remain ever skeptical of online dating.

  

Then again, at this point I’m kind of skeptical of real life dating as well. Maybe this is just my jaded single girl talking, but when did dating become this hard? Am I totally delusional in thinking that as we get older, dating should be less awkward? (though I guess if you date mostly never, it clearly becomes more awkward). But in theory, dating as a 27 year old should be fairly effortless. You meet someone you like, you give them your number, you grab a casual drink, and if you like how things are going you make a second date. You have social skills, and your hormones are hopefully in less flux, and you can make rational decisions. This sounds simple enough, yes?

Then flash back to what dating was like at 16. Everything was significantly more awkward, there was less text messaging (ok, no text messaging) your friends were mostly involved in all your decisions, sometimes your parents had to drive you places, and you ended up going to places like Subway or the bowling alley, because where else do you go on a date as a 16 year old when neither of you have real jobs and live in a tiny town? (I fully admit, maybe this was just my 16 year old experience) Add to that the hormones, and the break outs, and the orthodontics , and the questionable fashion.. it’s amazing that we survived high school dating at all.

And yet… I had way more boyfriends in high school than I have had in my adult life… talk about a terrifying statistic. My shy, socially awkward, home-schooled self just might have more dating experience than my confident, mature, adult self. Pardon me while I pour myself an adult beverage and let that sink in.

The other night I was talking with my friend Amanda about dating. She is happily married, but as we talked over drinks she was reminiscing about things she would have done differently as a single woman. She said she would have played harder to get, been less available… but she always figured that the right guy wouldn’t mind that she wasn’t… and turns out, he didn’t.  When it comes to dating, I’ve never been one to play games. I say what is on my mind, I’m upfront about things, if I’m available I’m available, and if I like you I like you, and I’m not afraid to say as much… Sure, there is something to be said for feminine mystique, or keeping them guessing… and I’m sure that some guys really like that… but the more that I observe my single friends and how they are with Men, the more I realize how that just isn’t for me.  (maybe this is also why I’m single… the verdict is still out).

Thankfully I’m not jaded enough to think that I should try to be something that I’m not… that no guy will ever fall for me unless I’m playing hard to get.  But I am still frustrated with dating in general. The worst part is that I’m completely just wishing for the comfortable part of a relationship, and not as interested in the dating part. Don’t get me wrong… there is a little red dress in my closet just waiting for the right occasion, but on nights like tonight I don’t want to be out for drinks and dinner… I kinda just want to be curled up on the couch with a good book and a cup of tea… only I wish there was someone curled up next to me besides my bulldog (who is snoring as he plays the role of little spoon). I want that last phone call of the night, the person who isn’t terrified of my tragic morning hair. I want the non-awkward conversations, I want to be past the point of facebook stalking, and trying to figure out if you have compatible interests, and talking about what type of music you like.  It just seems like a lot of work… don’t get me wrong, I’m willing to go there, I’m willing to put forth the effort, to actually go through the rituals of dating. But at this point, I haven’t really found anyone who is willing to go there with me.

I’ve been trying to get to know someone… numbers have been acquired, some text message flirting has happened, dates have been set, and subsequently cancelled… excuses have been made, and they’ve all been legitimate…but I’m starting to feel like the timing is just off… like I shouldn’t have to try this hard to make a first date happen… Because at this point I don’t know anything about him, I don’t know if there is chemistry, I don’t know if it is really something that I want to pursue… But there is this nagging part of me that says neither one of us should decide that before we actually get the chance to go out. If there is no chemistry, fine… But at this point he doesn’t really know anything about me either… but shouldn’t we at least be allowed to lobby for ourselves? I mean isn’t that what first dates essentially are? A chance for you to put your best foot forward, to give someone else a glimpse into your life and who you are, and hope they like what they see enough to come back for date number two? In some regards throwing in the towel before date number one even happens seems like selling myself short… There is no chance for me to be charming, or awkward, or to make any impression whatsoever! At least if things went awry, I’d know that it was for a reason greater than scheduling conflicts and poor timing…

Sadly, dating was so much easier ten years ago when you could just pass notes in English class and hold hands in the hallway… this real life dating is hard stuff.

More words to come...soon

I don’t event want to think about how long it has been since I’ve blogged… What can I say? Life with a full time job, a bulldog, and 2 yoga gigs is sometimes a little nutty. Add to that a few mini-vacations, lots of weddings, and a garden and backyard that is ever consuming my life, and you  get, well, a lot of excuses.   I’ve been spending the past few weeks soaking up the last little bits of Oregon Summer, reuniting with my besties,  and mentally prepping for the craziness that is Harvest time in Oregon wine country.

Here are a few photo highlights to tide you all over. More words to come... soon.

Photo Booth Fun

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wedding Dates

Together at last with the Besties

Two weekends, Two Weddings, Two Bouquets...

Linfield Pyramid!(ish)

Bulldog Pool Time

Backyard Buddies

Late Summer Blooms

Tomatillos: The taste of summertime

If there is one thing that tastes like summer, it is salsa verde.  It’s the perfect hot weather food, it’s super easy to make, and it just tastes fresh and green! Its pretty much my go to food in the summer. I make it for snacks and gatherings, and I put it on everything. Chips, eggs, meat, cous-cous,  you name it!  Currently that I have five thriving tomatillo plants in my garden. I planted a few last year, and they did moderately well, but not spectacularly… but  with a new year, more gardening experience, good intentions, and visions of salsa verde, I made another attempt this year.

The two plants I purchased did really well… and then as I was getting ready to move from my apartment to my house, I noticed that I had about 15 volunteer tomatillos sprouting up, so I dug up a few, and brought them with me when I moved as an experiment. Why not? I was half expecting them to bite the dust,  but if they didn’t survive I wouldn’t be heartbroken.  Turns out they are now thriving, and now I have more tomatillos growing in my garden than anything else.  

Since I have tomatillos in abundance, I started to research other things I could make with them. As I mentioned, salsa verde is the perfect summer snack, but really, there is only SO much salsa verde you can make, so I’ve been trying to expand my tomatillo horizons.  They have this great astringent quality to them, and I really like the flavor… almost like green apple. And their texture is fantastic! Most recipes that I found wanted to use the tomatillos  to pair with Spanish/Mexican food. Delicious, but predictable... so I've been trying to do some different things with them. Lately I’ve been making fried tomatillos, sort of as a riff off fried green tomatoes… but I actually like them better, because the tomatillos are more firm, and easier to fry.

I love the different shades and shapes

You have to soak/ rinse them off before using them, cause they tend to be sticky/ slimy

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Sunset Magazine recently featured a recipe for pickled tomatillos, which have been dying to try, and they also suggested putting them in a grilled cheese sandwich with bacon (which I did, and it was delicious).  I’ve always been a bit fearful of pickling, but it seemed fairly straightforward, and they are just refrigerator pickles, so they were easy enough. I have yet to try them, but they look beautiful in the jar, and apparently they are a great accompaniment to bloody marys. I made mine on Wednesday, so they’ve been in the fridge developing some flavor… I have high hopes for them. 

Earlier in the week I was wanting a really quick meal, so I ended up roasting some tomatillos under the broiler, and blending them into a sauce. Probably the easiest sauce I’ve ever made, and the flavor was fantastic. I added in some grilled onions and a bit of salt, blended everything in the blender and voila. I just served it over rice, but the sauce had a nice richness to it, and I think it would actually make a great addition to any tomato sauce. 

Roasted Tomatillos

I still have tomatillos coming out my ears, and I think salsa verde will still be a staple in my house for the next several weeks,  so here is the recipe.

•  
• 2 cloves garlic, pealed
• Tomatillos (to taste…. 6-7?) peeled, washed and quartered.
• Bundle of cilantro
• 1 Serrano pepper, roasted
• Onion (again to taste… I never measure)
• Salt
• Agave nectar to taste.
• Avocado
• ½ lime

Put everything in a food processor except the avocado and lime.  Blend until desired consistency, add in avocado and fresh squeezed lime juice.Serve on anything and everything.