Bridging the gap

Over the past few months I’ve been attempting to bridge the gap between who I am and who I want to be. It’s really easy to project things into the future. “oh someday when I can afford it…” and “when I have more time I’m going to start project X” But if you live like this too long, you sort of just start to feel like life is happening around you while you are going through the motions and waiting for the stars to align and for things to fall into place.  

For the past few years I feel like I’ve been waiting for my life to happen (though not always patiently) and putting my own wants, and needs on hold until I got a better sense of what I was doing with my life. I felt like I needed to put things off until I had the right finances, living situation, support system, etc. and so most of my goals were sorted into the “life goal” category rather than the “immediate future” one. 

And it is totally legitimate to have wants and desires about the future. I know that it would be completely irresponsible for me to spend my life savings on a Bulldog puppy, and I probably shouldn’t plant mint in the backyard of my rental apartment, but a few months ago I sort of woke up to the fact that life was happening around me, and I sure as hell better start living it, otherwise I was going to look back on my twenties and wonder why I didn’t do things differently.

This all sort of started when I applied to graduate school. I knew that I wanted a change, and a pretty major one, and applying to school seemed to be the most productive form of adjustment. Sadly for me, my plans for going to school did not match up with the plans of the people who were in charge of reviewing applications, so this spring found me restless and thinking “now what?”…

But I should back up a little bit, because before I got to the “now what?” moment, I had started to feel a little anxious about leaving Oregon. I started making lists of places I wanted to visit, things I wanted to do, restaurants I still needed to try, and I was almost getting a little overwhelmed when I thought about trying to cram all of these experiences into the next four months. Though I definitely felt a twinge of disappointment that my life wasn’t going to be plunged back into Academia, I also felt a sense of relief knowing that I could actually do a lot of the things that had started appearing on my list.

Let me just clarify, that I am the type of person who knows what I want. That being said, I often don’t express what I want, or at least not adamantly, because I often find that I have to choose between doing what I want to do, and being with my friends… and a majority of the time I choose my friends. I am a social creature, especially since I live alone, and so for the past few years I have often passed up things that I was really passionate about, and settled for things I was semi-passionate about. This is not a complaint. I knew what I was getting myself into, and my friendships are important to me, so if I have to go to a restaurant or bar or movie or club that I’m not that into because all of my friends want to go then so-be-it…

That is until I started to realize that time is a precious commodity and, in general, I was spending a good amount of time doing a lot of stuff that just didn’t do it for me, just so I could be around the people that did do it for me.  And I still do… to a certain point, but I’m starting to learn that that this is a time in my life when I get to be selfish just a little bit.  So here I am, getting ready to make the person that I am, the person that I want to be.

Let me just explain that I hang out with a very diverse crowd with diverse interests, and we are all held together by the common thread of our undergraduate education. We do all have some similar interests, but as we aging and getting more into our jobs and our daily lives, I’m finding that our interests and goals don’t seem to intersect as often as they once did. Again, this is not a complaint, because it makes our group that much more interesting, but it is challenging sometimes when I am the only one in my core group of friends who likes to watch baseball, read Steinbeck, and gets excited about composting.

When I was just out of undergraduate I spent most of my free-time commuting to hang out with friends in the city, and I was in love with every second of it…. Now I often feel very torn, because I still want to see them and spend time with them, but I also  want to become more rooted in my community, spend less time driving, and more time focusing on my own wants, rather than what the majority wants to do. I realize this sounds a little self-centered… and I am totally one-hundred percent OK with that.

When I realized that I wouldn’t be going to school (at least not in the next sixteen months) I knew that something had to change… and I started to think about the reasons I applied to school in the first place. Yes, I want my Masters degree, and I want it in Poetry, but did I apply this year because the timing was right, or because I was un-happy with how things were going in my life? What was the root of my restlessness, why did I want a change so badly? What could I do with my current circumstances that would remedy the unsettled feeling?

And so I did some thinking… (and also some impulsive phone calls and ticket booking) and I started to really try to identify some things that I could start doing that would satisfy my needs, wants, and desires. I realize that there is a fine line between forcing things to happen, and taking initiative. I’m not going to go out and sign myself up for E-Harmony just because I’m less than thrilled with my dating situation. But I am going to be more pro-active in doing things that make me happy, even if that means doing them alone.  Because at the age of twenty-four, why shouldn’t I be passionate about the things I am doing in my life? I figure if I am a little bit selfish now, if I start living the life that I really want to live, it will make me a happier more fulfilled person (now, and in the future when I am ready to spend my life with someone else) There is a chapter in Refuge by Terry Tempest Williams, in which she discusses this exact thing with her mother. (I cannot find my copy of the book right now, and that is really irritating, and I know in the book they are discussing having children… which is so not where I am at, but the same theory applies. I am being selfish right now, so I don’t have to be later)

So here I am, re-focusing a little bit, and making some changes. I’m trying to pull as many of my goals into the present tense as I can, and setting new ones for the future.

In one week I will be in going Boston, on a purely whimsical vacation that is entirely centered around the Red Sox. I am going to eat copious amounts of hotdogs, purchase Redsox underwear, watch batting practice from the Green Monster, and bask in the glory of doing exactly what I want to do while on vacation.

And a few weeks after I get back, I’ll start my training towards becoming a Registered Yoga Teacher.

I’m taking time off of work to go to the Shakespeare Festival, and some baseball games in Seattle. I’m getting patio furniture, and plan on turning my deck into a garden oasis complete with herbs, flowers, cucumbers, and more mint than I know what to do with. My next big purchase is going to be a composting kit.  I’m going to go see Anthony Bourdain on my twenty-fifth birthday. I’m going to get a dutch oven, a tattoo, and I’m going to run a half-marathon. I’m going to start saving money for my Bulldog, and this summer I’m going to make it to the Portland Art Museum, the zoo, and the Chinese Garden.  I’m going to ride my bike, and take off Thursday afternoons so I can go to the farmer’s market. I’m trying new recipes, being a vegetarian (minus the Fenway hotdogs, and perhaps 4^th of July with my brother’s in-laws. ) I’m reading more poetry… I’m reading more in general…and I’m writing.

And I’m feeling more like myself than I have in a long time….or maybe I’m just liking who I am a whole lot better…