One Week Challenge

So I haven't written a poem since February... I hesitate even admitting that. I like to think that it is largely a result of my brain turning to mush in a post- grad school application strike... but let’s face it; I got over that months ago... To be perfectly honest, I don't know why I haven't been writing poems... It makes perfect sense why I didn't get into graduate school, as I'm sure other potential academics are actively writing poetry, rather than passively thinking about it. It's not that I've given up on it... I read a lot of poetry, and quite frankly I think that is at least half the battle. Exposing yourself to it on an almost daily basis...

I've been carrying around a bit of a stigma about writing lately. Mainly because my mother is fairly consistently asking me if I've been writing, which completely shuts down my creative drive. I can't explain it; it is like a physical reaction in my body. I know she means well, and is trying to make conversation and bridge the gap in our relationship, but when it comes to talking about my writing with her I'm totally guarded. This is partially because she doesn't understand my writing process, and partially because of the way she reacts to my writing. 

When she asks if I've been writing she doesn't mean blogging, writing letters, creating newsletters, she means writing poetry. It is probably very innocent, but every time is escapes her mouth it feels loaded to me. Like she is somehow insinuating that the "writing" I'm doing isn't real writing. I never really know how to deal with this question coming from her, because she wants me to say yes, and then she wants me to share, immediately, and it's just not that simple. I like my words to sit on the page for a bit, I like to edit them, and let them marinate. and then I like some feedback, and suggestions, and Mothers (at least my mother) is incapable of giving me the type of constructive criticism that I need. So I keep the sharing rather limited until my work is a little more polished.

This is irritating to her, since she wants me to open up this part of my soul and share my every thought with her. She interprets my lack of sharing as me purposefully trying to hurt her and keep her out of an important part of my life... She cannot fathom a writer not wanting to share what they are working on.

And when I do share I often just feel frustrated because I'm not getting the feedback I need, or frustrated because she has taken something the wrong way. (Its one thing when someone cries over your work because it is moving. It's another when they cry over your work because you wrote about getting drunk when you were twenty, and thus leads the reader to somehow feel like a bad parent) I'm constantly frustrated that she doesn't understand any of this, and doesn't understand why I wouldn't want to share my writing with her... But I digress. The main point being, that I have a lot of frustration with my mother when it comes to my writing. We have different ideas about what I should and should not be sharing, and the way in which I do it, and overall this frustration tends to shut down my creative juices. It is a vicious cycle, because her peaked interest in my writing makes me want to write less. Clearly we both have issues.

And then there is the blogging issue... I thought I would confront the problem head on (the problem being that I don't want to sensor myself because I know my mom is reading, and I know her reactions by now) by simply asking her not to read my blog. I mean we are both adults, I've explained my writing process to her countless times, and I've explained to her that this is a writing project about me, and I don't want to feel like I have to watch what I write because my mother might be reading. Just a free creative exercise. It seemed like a reasonable request to me... Not to my mother. This is apparently something that I "will not understand until I have children of my own" but the fact that I'm putting something out there for the whole cyber-world to read, and have politely asked that my mother not read it has led to some major issues. We have sort of arrived at the point where I just pretend like she is actually doing what I've asked, and she just pretends like she isn't reading it (she is not very good at this, but I roll with it). 

I'm getting off topic, and I'm not using my mother as an excuse as to why I've not written poetry lately... just giving a background on some of my writing related frustrations. In the end I know it shouldn't matter. I'm going to write what I write, and she is going to react how she reacts, and hopefully we are both left standing, and still speaking.

Anyway, here I go. I have a week without any events at work, so I'm going to write a poem a day. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and I've reached the now or never moment. I seem to work pretty good with deadlines, so hopefully this turns out ok. It is slightly terrifying, because I'm just going to put them out there. No work-shopping, no letting things marinate, just write and post. I want to start chewing my nails already. The purpose of this exercise is not necessarily to produce good poetry, but just to get back in the habit of producing poetry period... something I really want to get back into. Keep in mind that I'm going out of town without my computer on Friday morning... so this could get interesting. I'm not quite savvy enough to write poems on my phone, but I might post a few haiku's, who knows. Any feedback is welcome & appreciated (even if I don't agree with it)... but please keep in mind, I'm just getting my proverbial sea legs back. This is not an exercise in writing the best poems of my life, but just writing. Stay Tuned.