It's Official: Let the Moving Games Begin!

So as I mentioned, I found an apartment! And I’m still in that giddy place where all I can think about is paint colors, and new items I might need, and I’m blocking out the imminent packing, sorting, and overall hassles that come along with moving.

I can honestly say that this apartment is everything that I’m looking for, and finding it was just the mood boost that needed. It was really refreshing to have put it all out there for the universe, set an intention and a goal, and to then find exactly what I wanted. Granted it took several months, a lot of patience, a little frustration, and countless hours spent pouring over Craigslist, Property Management websites, and classified ads. It also goes to show that you have to be a bit flexible and open-minded. I clicked the listing on a whim, thinking it was a bit out of my price range, but it doesn’t hurt to look right? And from there on out, I was quickly smitten with the place. And only a block away from where I currently live… who knew that what I had in mind was right under my nose?

The first selling point was that it has a garbage disposal. Granted, after my recent run-in with my parent’s garbage disposal, I’m not quite as excited about this feature, but at the time it was a huge selling point. It also has lots of cupboard space, hardwood floors, a lot of windows, a large and quaint patio area, a garden plot, washer and dryer a bathroom sink with a bit of counter space, and I’m allowed to paint! Not only that, but it has energy efficient windows, and there is even a composter in the back yard! I was a little disappointed at first, because it seemed that dogs were not a possibility; however, it just goes to show that it never hurts to ask for what you want! It turns out that my directness and willingness to put it all out there and go for what I want does pay off in some circumstances.

Not only was I able to negotiate a Bulldog privileges (If and when I decide the timing is right), I was also able to get the landlord to lower the rent to be the same as what I’m currently paying, and to include electricity! Which means, by the time I pay for a prorated share of the water, and a portion of the garbage, I’ll be paying essentially what I’m paying now!  Also, the landlord is contemplating putting built-in book shelves in the bonus nook. I’ve always wanted built in bookshelves! I need to get in there and look around again and mentally place some furniture before I give him the go-ahead, but in general I love the idea of having move shelves.

Ok so I won’t be closer to Portland… but I will be a bit closer to the Farmer’s Market, and the new café that will soon be opening (and they are going to serve Stumptown!) There is finally going to be a spot for my Meyer Lemon Tree, and I’ll be able to plant a real garden! Tomatoes, and cucumbers, and beets, and beans, and peas, and tomatillos, and whatever else my little plant loving heart desires (provided I have enough room).

I know that moving somewhere new isn’t going to radically change my life… but I am excited to be excited about the place I’m going to live. I have a lot more pep in my step now that I’m gushing over paint colors, and contemplating gardening possibilities. Yesterday at the store, I impulse bought the newest issue of Living,  which features the ultimate guide to vegetable gardening, as well as how to use every inch of your small space gardens... That Martha, she makes everything look so effortless, but at least it gives me a jumping off point.  I’m excited to compost, and arrange furniture, I’m excited to spend time in the kitchen! (which is something that I cannot say right now). I’m sure in a few weeks I will be cursing the hassle of packing up boxes, and yelling at the automated operator who will make moving my internet seem like my own personal version of hell, but underneath it all I think I will still have that new apartment glow. 

And actually the timing for the move is perfect. The landlord wants to do some maintenance before I move in, so I was able to give 30 days notice, and will only have a week of overlap between the two spaces. This means I have plenty of time to paint before I make the actual move, and hopefully a day or two to clean the old place. I will also be house-sitting for my boss during the transitional period, so I should have plenty of time to unpack kitchen stuff, and do a bit of nesting and settling before I actually “move in” which I think will be helpful to my sanity. Having somewhere else to sleep and eat during a move is always a bonus. Also my bestie suddenly has a lot of free time on her hands, so she is going to come help me paint the new place. Now if only I could settle on the colors! 

 I went a little crazy at Lowe's last week

But I think I've done a good job narrowing it down significantly

Bedroom-Green

Kitchen-Red

Livingroom- Beige/  Light golden/ Taupe

Bonus Nook- Yellow-Gold

I was really surprised with how un-imaginative some of the paint-names were... I mean really who wants to paint anything a color named "Beach 003" I know it's completely irrelivent, but I am so much more likely to pick a color with a name like "Fresh Bread" " "Little Sprout" "Neutria" or "Greek Tapenade" (and yes I realize that most of the colors I like are named after food... I don't think its a coincidence) But come on, wouldn't you rather paint your walls with a color called "Tightrope" than with a just straight up "Taupe"? (or even worse, Taupe 3) I really did try to only consider how the color looked and not what it was called, but with all the options out there, you have to narrow it down somehow! My old bedroom at my parent's house was "Dill Pickle". That is so much more sassy than "olive green 5".  Anyway, I'm still narrowing it down, but I think I'm leaning towards... calling in second and third opinions.

I wish I had as much horsepower as a garbage-disposal

Last night I made soup… the really hearty comforting kind that is perfect for this time of year when I am longing for spring, and yet it’s still threatening snow outside. The kind of soup without a recipe, with a handful of carrots, fingerling potatoes, or other tasty root vegetables you might have stashed in your fridge or pantry, a handful of herbs, crushed pepper, a splash of wine. It’s especially helpful if you have time to let the flavor profile develop as the vegetables simmer away… it’s the perfect type of soup for a day running errands, and working around the house, because it takes minimal effort and yet is so satisfying. I always throw in a cup of whole-grain and wild rice, and perhaps at the end a can of garbanzo beans and some chopped kale… I had every intention of blogging about this last night when the flavors were fresh in my mind, but I made the mistake of trying to do the dishes before sitting down to write.

 The Soup

What happened over the next two hours was an epic battle with the drain, and it involved some cursing, perhaps a few tears, and an overall feeling of failure.  I will be the first to admit that I am not particularly handy around the house, but I am a problem solver, and I can wield a plunger with the best of them. And plunge I did… for two hours, until I felt utterly defeated and frustrated and alone. I am house sitting, so I had no landlord to call, no maintenance request to submit, and at 9:30 at night I couldn’t think of a single person in Yamhill County who would come to my rescue. I poked and prodded the sink a bit more. I got out a step ladder, I stood on the counter, I rolled up my sleeves until I was elbow deep in kitchen sink swill. I cursed some more, and finally I called my brother. I know I just said that I couldn’t think of anyone to call, and I say this because I knew that under no circumstances would he actually come and help me, but when you are feeling desperate, sometimes you just hope for the best, and hope that the desperation in your voice comes through.

I hate asking my brother for help… mainly because regardless of the situation, he always insists on giving me a “life lesson” lecture rather than assistance. Considering the fact that he is only two years older than I am, I find this to be ridiculous and patronizing. I hate asking for help in the first place, and usually only ask for help as a last resort, when I have exhausted most of my other options, and at that point I’m usually not in the mood for a lecture. It ALWAYS starts out very after-school special like, and at some point the phrase “well what would you do if I wasn’t here? How would you handle the situation” at which point I always think “that is beside the point, because you are here, and I’m asking for help!”… It’s not like I was asking for a loan, or a kidney, I was asking for some upper body strength, and five minutes… which naturally I wasn’t going to get because I apparently needed to learn to “problem solve”. I’ve gotten this same lecture on multiple occasions… when I had a flat tire in the snow, whenever I move… and yet whenever he needs someone to let his dog out in the middle of the day, or if he is really backed up on grading papers he expects me to drop everything and help him out. Why are siblings such a pain in the ass?

I am fairly good at assessing situations. I knew how to fix the problem with the sink, I just lacked the physical strength, height, and overall coordination to pull it off. And that in itself was frustrating. No matter how hard I tried, the stagnant sink water wasn’t going anywhere, and I was pretty pissed about it. I was mad that I couldn’t fix the problem. I was mad that when I asked for help, instead my brother gave me the life lessons lecture, and then later called back to suggest that the only option I had left was to find some tools and take apart the sink piece by piece and clean out the drain from the bottom. But of course he wouldn’t listen to me, since I couldn’t seem to fix the problem, so naturally I must be wrong about what needed to be done… At that point, I was feeling pathetic, and was wishing that I had a boyfriend I could call, or a token male friend nearby who would be willing to save the day. I am not the type of woman who wants to be rescued, but last night all I wanted was for someone to plunge the sink… I didn’t want lectures, or advice, or suggestions (I knew what was wrong, I just couldn’t fix it!)… At this point I was angry, and covered in kitchen water, so I opted to leave it for the morning… and threw myself a tiny pity party. In the grand scheme of things, I understand that a sink clog is not the end of the world.  But why is it that when you feel like you need a win, even the slightest thing like a malfunctioning garbage disposal can push you to the brink? I felt like a failure… and mentally and emotionally it was a downward spiral. There were fleeting thoughts of “what if I’m alone for the rest of my life, and never have anyone to help me fix the garbage disposal” and “If I can’t even figure out how to fix this, then how will I ever be independent” All of the self-doubt, the frustrations, and the self-loathing for being too uncoordinated to handle this on my own took over… and I was out of wine!

At one point I sent a text message to my ex-boyfriend, explaining my frustration about not having access to a y chromosome…(as a woman I probably shouldn’t say this, but I have no doubt in my mind that a man could have fixed the problem in 5-10 minutes. It took me 17 hours… I’m not saying a woman couldn’t have fixed the problem… but I was having some issues. ) He was sympathetic at least, but he also suggested that I would be a happier person if I moved to Portland… which frustrated me for entirely different reasons… One of my biggest pet peeves is when people try to problem solve my life. It’s one thing if I’m asking “oh what do you think of this?” or “what do you suggest?” but when I’m specifically having a garbage disposal crisis, and  unsolicited advice about my personal life/ happiness is brought to the table, I get a little irritated… and not just in this specific instance. My mother is notorious for doing this sort of thing (which is probably why it irritates me so much)… I’m getting off topic. Anyway, there I was, feeling inadequate about my skills as a person, feeling frustrated, and mere hours before I’m supposed to sign a lease on what is, in my opinion,the perfect apartment, I had someone telling me that he thought all of my personal unhappiness was wrapped up in living where I live. I don’t think he was trying to irritate me… so I won’t hold a grudge, but the timing was not ideal. Did I mention that I was out of wine?

Thankfully, there was a gourmet chocolate bar in the mix, and thankfully after 17 hours, some liquid plumber, a lot of yoga, and pure stubbornness I was able to successfully plunge the kitchen sink.  I also signed the lease, paid the deposit, and negotiated some built in bookshelves to be installed before I move in.  I’m still peeved that whenever I ask my brother for help, he dances around it with ease, and I’m saddened by the fact that I have no one to call at 9:30 at night when Kale remnants wreak havoc on the drain. And I’m frustrated that I do not have as much horsepower as a garbage disposal…. But on the bright side, I have a kick ass soup in the fridge that has been developing flavor for 24 hours,  and I stocked up on wine when I bought the liquid plumber. AKA, I win. 

 The Tortilla, Lime & Salt Chocolate Bar that helped me keep a grasp on my sanity.

ebb and flow

When it comes right down to it, I feel like my life is a constant ebb and flow of decisive and indecisive moments. Though I am a professional procrastinator, and can waste time, putz around and put things off with the greatest of ease, I am also a very straight to the point person. I’m not good at being coy, prolonged flirtations, and playing hard to get, because to me it feels like a waste of time. Sure I understand that some of the fun is in the pursuit, but at the end of the day I’d rather just put it all out there up front, catch people off guard, and hope that it works in my favor. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t. I think that is one of the things that I really enjoy about blogging. It allows me to put things out there without over-thinking and over-editing. Sure, having a filter can be good, and heaven knows that I need one sometimes, but I think it is also good to be a little fearless. I take this approach often when it comes to writing, relationships, and new experiences.

Direct, upfront, decisive.  That is, until I’m not. And it’s not that I don’t “know what I want” there are just certain instances in which I don’t care. Sure I have opinions about food, and movies, and what type of beer I want to drink, but I also am not the type of person who likes to put people out, so if the group would rather get a pitcher of something else, I’m not going to assert my preferences. Provided there is no mustard involved, I’m a really go with the flow type of gal.

And I’m finding that this juxtaposition of being both assertive and flexible is somewhat of a conundrum for some people, including myself.  I am speaking in generalizations here, and have no specific instances in mind, but it seems like a lot of people would prefer it to be the opposite way. They would prefer the coyness, and indirectness when I would prefer to be frank. And when I could really care less about restaurant selection, “they” (the proverbial they) want you to be opinionated to the tenth degree. I find this rather frustrating. When it comes to the quote on quote important things, I am opinionated and one-hundred percent secure in my answers and likes and dislikes. But just because I know what my favorite food is, doesn’t mean that I’m going to care if we eat it for dinner on Tuesday night, or if we opt for something else.  And why is that somehow less attractive to some people?

This is mostly me thinking out loud, but I used to be under the impression that I was the type of woman who knew exactly what she wanted, and wasn’t afraid to go after it. And I do, in a lot of cases. But the other night I was stopped in my tracks when a friend of mine asked me if I ever thought about the kind of writer that I wanted to be. And the answer was no… and that kind of freaked me out a little bit.

I’ve always been really good at setting goals, but have been pretty much just living off a six-month plan for the past four years. Sure I know that someday I want to go to graduate school, and would like to own a house with some land where I can grow all my own vegetables, and let mint run wild. And I know that I want a bulldog named Toby, and that someday I would like to go to Cuba, and yes that I would like to be a writer. And yet, I am not actively laying any of the groundwork to achieve most of these goals (besides building a savings account). The future is still this far-off distant place, and I have been admittedly trying to focus more on living in the present. But that question really made me realize how wrapped up my life is in the day-to-day… and how am I supposed to get to that future house/dog/career/ vacation if I don’t start thinking about it now? Or at least start thinking about starting to think about it. I know I need to be writing more regularly, specifically writing more poetry. I know I need to be submitting places, and researching graduate schools. I know I need to be reading more… But it is so easy to get wrapped up and distracted by other things. For example: my current job. I’m totally in love with it, and though I don’t want to make it my life career, I can see myself staying there for quite some time. So it is exceptionally easy to start thinking in terms like “Wedding Season” and “Harvest Time” and really narrow in my view to revolve around a work time-line. It’s easy to justify things in terms of“oh I’ll get to it after wedding season” or “I’ll have time for that after Olive Harvest”.  Sure it is fun to think about applying to schools in the winter, but these days it also feels like my head is going to explode if I start thinking past April… and so I take it one day at a time rather than one goal at a time.

Maybe I’m going about it all wrong? It seems a little hypocritical to be able to be assertive and up front in some aspects of my life, but to be completely freaked out and practically avoid other aspects. I sort of take the goal of “writer” and dance around it, without really trying to make it a reality… It goes on the “Someday” shelf, along with cleaning out my closet and learning how to make Kombucha. Then again, I’m throwing my energy and my time into a job that pays the bills, and is rewarding in a lot of ways, and I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. I have an interesting job that puts food on the table, and yes it enables me to keep writing as more of a hobby, but it also allows me to have a life.  And I’m also teaching yoga, which really has nothing to do with my writing aspirations, but I do think it keeps me grounded (and sane), and it also lets me be optimistic. If I can make time for one passion, and incorporate it into my life on such a regular basis, make time for it, and actually make a little money at the same time, I’m hopeful that someday I will be able to do the same with writing.

  

This was really more of a tangent than anything else… the ramblings of my juxtaposed mind. Perhaps I’m scared of failure… I tend to go after a lot of things that I want in life, and though I succeed occasionally, I also miss the mark a lot of the time. I really believe that we have to be active participants in our own lives, but there needs to be a balance between making things happen, and allowing things to happen… Because trying to make things happen when the timing is off can be a recipe for disaster… ok still rambling here. In the meantime I’m going to read more poetry. I’m going to be decisive about paint colors (and maybe some restaurant choices).I’m going to be more flirtatious, and I’m going to drink more wine.  I’m going to continue to put myself out there like I have nothing to lose, and see if life takes me a few steps closer to knowing what kind of writer I want to be.

Happy Monday/ V-Day.

Happy Valentine’s Day! And more importantly, happy Baseball Season!  In general, I am in all support of any holidays with color themes, flowers, chocolate and wine and greeting cards. That being said, I do find the day to still be a cliché Hallmark Holiday. I have nothing against love and greeting cards (and certainly nothing against chocolate) but more the idea that we need an excuse to celebrate love.  Isn’t it more meaningful to get a card simply because? This could just be my cynical single self talking, but in general I think celebrating on the off days is so much more personal and significant than one giant national love-fest of a holiday. Not that I would turn down any flowers, cards, or candy that came my way today… it just seems a little impersonal.

Sure today is Valentine’s Day, but it is also Monday… Sure I am drinking wine & eating chocolate while writing this (and yes it is 2:30 in the afternoon) but frankly, this isn’t out of the ordinary, in fact it is pretty on-par with my normal Monday activities… Some might argue that indulging on a regular basis makes the activity (or the cards, flowers, whatever) seem like less of a luxury/surprise… & I can see that in some cases, but I like getting cards in the mail no matter what month or week it is, and as I mentioned, I need no excuse to eat a few chocolates and have a glass of wine. (It’s my day off people!). And really the only thing that has made today stand out more than any other Monday was the Bulldog cupid e-card that was sent to me by my dad, and the fact that I’ve seen more flower delivery trucks out and about. I haven’t seen anyone wearing red, there haven’t been an overwhelming amount of love songs on the radio, and I haven’t even heard/seen and mushy commercials. It’s been a pretty normal Monday. I’m doing laundry, running errands, blogging, planning class for tomorrow, balancing my checkbook etc. Sure, I drove twenty-minutes out of my way to spend 5 minutes flirting with the cute coffee guy who may or may not be seeing someone else (seriously, I’ve been trying to figure that out for  like a month, I still have no idea, but I figure I shouldn’t stop flirting until I know for sure, right? Regardless the coffee is good…)but that has nothing to do with the fact that it is V day, and everything to do with the fact that it’s what I do every Monday (and sometimes Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday… it’s ok, I drive a hybrid).

Gone are the days of making valentines for every single person in your class (ok but I did make a few) stocking up on heart stickers, and making sure at the very least you were wearing valentines themed sox (ok I might have on red underwear, but that is a coincidence having more to do with the fact that it is laundry day than the fact that it is Valentine’s Day). Though I cannot really speak for my married friends/ friends in relationship, I’m pretty sure that to most of the people in my inner circle today is first and fore mostly Monday, and Valentine’s day second. That isn’t to say that we are all dead on the in-side, but we are all pretty practical. It’s a day that is not about the huge romantic gestures, but a day about getting work done, starting the week, finishing up projects, and if there is time, perhaps a romantic dinner or something. Maybe we are all cynical? Maybe we are all realistic? Maybe I am way off base, and all my romantically involved friends really do have spectacular plans, but I like to think that most of us are spending the day/evening pretty much the same way we spend every Monday. And if that involves wine and chocolate and snuggling in, so be it.

 A few of my home-made Valentine's