ebb and flow

When it comes right down to it, I feel like my life is a constant ebb and flow of decisive and indecisive moments. Though I am a professional procrastinator, and can waste time, putz around and put things off with the greatest of ease, I am also a very straight to the point person. I’m not good at being coy, prolonged flirtations, and playing hard to get, because to me it feels like a waste of time. Sure I understand that some of the fun is in the pursuit, but at the end of the day I’d rather just put it all out there up front, catch people off guard, and hope that it works in my favor. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t. I think that is one of the things that I really enjoy about blogging. It allows me to put things out there without over-thinking and over-editing. Sure, having a filter can be good, and heaven knows that I need one sometimes, but I think it is also good to be a little fearless. I take this approach often when it comes to writing, relationships, and new experiences.

Direct, upfront, decisive.  That is, until I’m not. And it’s not that I don’t “know what I want” there are just certain instances in which I don’t care. Sure I have opinions about food, and movies, and what type of beer I want to drink, but I also am not the type of person who likes to put people out, so if the group would rather get a pitcher of something else, I’m not going to assert my preferences. Provided there is no mustard involved, I’m a really go with the flow type of gal.

And I’m finding that this juxtaposition of being both assertive and flexible is somewhat of a conundrum for some people, including myself.  I am speaking in generalizations here, and have no specific instances in mind, but it seems like a lot of people would prefer it to be the opposite way. They would prefer the coyness, and indirectness when I would prefer to be frank. And when I could really care less about restaurant selection, “they” (the proverbial they) want you to be opinionated to the tenth degree. I find this rather frustrating. When it comes to the quote on quote important things, I am opinionated and one-hundred percent secure in my answers and likes and dislikes. But just because I know what my favorite food is, doesn’t mean that I’m going to care if we eat it for dinner on Tuesday night, or if we opt for something else.  And why is that somehow less attractive to some people?

This is mostly me thinking out loud, but I used to be under the impression that I was the type of woman who knew exactly what she wanted, and wasn’t afraid to go after it. And I do, in a lot of cases. But the other night I was stopped in my tracks when a friend of mine asked me if I ever thought about the kind of writer that I wanted to be. And the answer was no… and that kind of freaked me out a little bit.

I’ve always been really good at setting goals, but have been pretty much just living off a six-month plan for the past four years. Sure I know that someday I want to go to graduate school, and would like to own a house with some land where I can grow all my own vegetables, and let mint run wild. And I know that I want a bulldog named Toby, and that someday I would like to go to Cuba, and yes that I would like to be a writer. And yet, I am not actively laying any of the groundwork to achieve most of these goals (besides building a savings account). The future is still this far-off distant place, and I have been admittedly trying to focus more on living in the present. But that question really made me realize how wrapped up my life is in the day-to-day… and how am I supposed to get to that future house/dog/career/ vacation if I don’t start thinking about it now? Or at least start thinking about starting to think about it. I know I need to be writing more regularly, specifically writing more poetry. I know I need to be submitting places, and researching graduate schools. I know I need to be reading more… But it is so easy to get wrapped up and distracted by other things. For example: my current job. I’m totally in love with it, and though I don’t want to make it my life career, I can see myself staying there for quite some time. So it is exceptionally easy to start thinking in terms like “Wedding Season” and “Harvest Time” and really narrow in my view to revolve around a work time-line. It’s easy to justify things in terms of“oh I’ll get to it after wedding season” or “I’ll have time for that after Olive Harvest”.  Sure it is fun to think about applying to schools in the winter, but these days it also feels like my head is going to explode if I start thinking past April… and so I take it one day at a time rather than one goal at a time.

Maybe I’m going about it all wrong? It seems a little hypocritical to be able to be assertive and up front in some aspects of my life, but to be completely freaked out and practically avoid other aspects. I sort of take the goal of “writer” and dance around it, without really trying to make it a reality… It goes on the “Someday” shelf, along with cleaning out my closet and learning how to make Kombucha. Then again, I’m throwing my energy and my time into a job that pays the bills, and is rewarding in a lot of ways, and I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. I have an interesting job that puts food on the table, and yes it enables me to keep writing as more of a hobby, but it also allows me to have a life.  And I’m also teaching yoga, which really has nothing to do with my writing aspirations, but I do think it keeps me grounded (and sane), and it also lets me be optimistic. If I can make time for one passion, and incorporate it into my life on such a regular basis, make time for it, and actually make a little money at the same time, I’m hopeful that someday I will be able to do the same with writing.

  

This was really more of a tangent than anything else… the ramblings of my juxtaposed mind. Perhaps I’m scared of failure… I tend to go after a lot of things that I want in life, and though I succeed occasionally, I also miss the mark a lot of the time. I really believe that we have to be active participants in our own lives, but there needs to be a balance between making things happen, and allowing things to happen… Because trying to make things happen when the timing is off can be a recipe for disaster… ok still rambling here. In the meantime I’m going to read more poetry. I’m going to be decisive about paint colors (and maybe some restaurant choices).I’m going to be more flirtatious, and I’m going to drink more wine.  I’m going to continue to put myself out there like I have nothing to lose, and see if life takes me a few steps closer to knowing what kind of writer I want to be.