fall gloominess

Fall 2011 is kicking my ass. At least I’m in good company, as it is looking a little questionable for the grapes (and the olives) out there as well. I’m not sure why, but the past few weeks have been surrounded by a bit of gloom. I realize the weather has been a little erratic, but as an Oregonian this is something I’ve adjusted too… maybe it was the short summer, or the lack of a real fall transition… I want a few more crisp days with real autumn colors and soft sunshine…

Needless to say, I’ve been coping with this ass kicking by snuggling in, being lazy, drinking wine, and eating comfort foods… it’s only been a few weeks, and I know it will wear off eventually, but the other day when I mentioned in passing that I wanted a snack, and my mom volunteered that she would help me lose weight if I wanted her too, made me think that maybe it was time to analyze why I’m in this funk. (and for the record, I weigh the same. I’m in different shape than I was a year ago post half marathon, but there is no additional baggage on board)

Mostly, I think I’m nostalgic for last fall… This time last year I felt so together. I was right in the middle of my yoga program, and for the first time since graduating from college I felt like I was part of a community. I had this core support group and we were learning and growing together. I was also in a relationship. I’m not sitting around bunkering down, and being sad that I’m alone, but every time I start to think about making a hearty fall soup, going to a pumpkin patch, or even curling up with some hot tea… my mind is flooded with memories of this time last year… and how I was sharing it with someone… and now I’m making soup for one, I rarely connect with my fellow teacher trainers… and this season has left me feeling a little lonely.

And my natural reaction (besides sweatpants and take out) is to throw myself into my job… which is a little terrifying. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job… and through some times of emotional instability, I really believe it plays a large part in keeping me sane… but I often struggle with drawing a line between my personal and professional life… and very often I can’t tell a different between the two. Going to work is a social experience for me, and getting called in on the weekends is the norm. It’s 9PM, and I just caught myself answering work related e-mails that could have waited until tomorrow morning… and that is when I start to wonder if my being so involved with my job has actually prevented me from having a real life. Its one of those catch 22 moments… I throw myself into my job to distract from the fact that I am lonely… and yet how am I supposed to make time for a relationship, let alone meet anyone if I am constantly throwing myself into my work? (last time I checked, a lavender farm/B&B/ gift shop isn’t exactly the best place to meet single young men… I do meet a lot of very nice, newly engaged men…)

On the bright side, I do have a very snuggly little bulldog to come home to everyday… and he doesn’t care if I’m in a funk (he might actually prefer it… he is getting a lot of couch nap time, snuggly Netflix watching these days) But I’m holding out hope, that this too, shall pass… and even if the weather doesn’t improve… I’m optimistic that I’ll snap out of it eventually… even if I spend the entire season making soup for one.