Reflecting and looking forward

As 2012 quickly draws to a close, I’ve been spending a lot of time reflecting. It’s so funny how this time of year people seem to get caught up in setting resolutions, getting fit, deciding that this next year is going to be the year! I’m guilty of it too… always living in the future, and never really focusing on the present moment. Realistically I do set minor resolutions every year… sometime they stick, and sometimes they don’t. Really, I’m more about working on little things daily, and think it is mostly unrealistic to set a resolution for an entire year… sure I have things I’d like to change about myself, and things I’d like to work on… but who says they have to be determined on January 1^st?

Actually, since my birthday is in June, I tend to set minor New Years resolutions, and then when my birthday rolls around 6 months later it’s a time to be able to refresh and think “ok what do I want to do with this next year of my life”  it’s almost like getting a do-over if I’m totally slacking…

Overall, I’m not really sure what to make of this past year. Fairly early on in the year my dad pulled me aside and told me that this was going to me my year. He admitted he had no idea what that meant, and that he felt like God had told him that. And really, this year was fairly epic. I moved into a house that I love, I applied to graduate school, I unexpectedly fell in love, I met and connected with some amazing people, I pushed myself, and I was able to take some time to really figure out what my priorities are, and what I want in my life. So really who is to say that it wasn’t my year? Yes, things didn’t really turn out the way I had hoped they would, and mostly I’m just left feeling frustrated and vulnerable and exceptionally lonely… which is kind of exactly where I started the year. Then again… maybe I still have another 6 months for things to fall into place.

I’ll try not to bring everyone down with my pretty much constant state of glum… I know it’s a process, and I’ll snap out of it eventually. Life goes on, heartbreaks mend, I’ll go back to work in a few weeks and be able to throw myself into projects… It’s what I do every year, but at least it keeps me going. But  really what I’m trying to focus on now is what I have learned about myself through this year… and actually its good. After working in the wedding industry for the past four years, I’ve become a little bit jaded. Or at least I thought I had. I was totally cynical about love, weddings, acts of romance… and I still mostly am. I do not want a trail of rose petals or breakfast in bed, I think giant weddings are a nightmare, and think that anyone who hires a dj should be punched in the face (sorry to all you djs out there… ) But this year I discovered that there is that type of all consuming inexplicable love out there that sort of melts you in ways you never expected… and all of a sudden I was thinking about my life in ways I never had before.  For the first time, the idea of a future with someone seemed to fit seamlessly, and it was like I didn’t even realize that my life didn’t make sense before I met this person… and I know that heartbreak isn’t something new… but I’m in this place right now where I can still see the before and after… and its really hard to try and settle back into the “before.”

To say that my life didn’t make sense before this person isn’t exactly what I mean. I’m really secure in who I am, and what I’m doing, and the type of person I am, and the type of person I want to be. Life was fine before I met this person, and life will be fine now… but “fine” is so banal. Who wants to go through life if things are just fine? Shouldn’t we all be actively pursuing a life that is extraordinary?  Again, trying to no lose sight of this… and I know that I still am the master of my own fate… that I can still live an extraordinary life on my own, and am trying to do this, maybe not on a daily basis (I can’t really claim  that I’ve striving for this recently, since I’ve  been in sweatpants for almost 3 days… ) But what I am realizing is that I’m over the whole “going through life alone” thing. Sure it offers a lot of freedom, and I’ve had time to be really selfish and go after my own goals, and establish my own identity, and become really comfortable with who I am… and I’m over it. I am so ready to commit, to start living a life with someone else, to merge schedules and interests, and resources, and to get wrapped up in someone else’s life for a change. I want to be attentive to someone else's needs and wants… because I know who I am on my own… and haven’t really ever had a real chance to figure out who I am when I’m with someone… and I’m so ready for that.

And I got a glimpse of it, and just when things started to get interesting, and real it all fell apart. Maybe what I’m trying to get at, is that this year opened up my eyes to see how things could be… and let me tell you, it’s hard to go backwards. It’s hard to just stand by and let your life go back to the way it was… it’s especially hard when it is not by choice… I mean, who knows… maybe the events of this year were just a precursor to open me up to new things and new possibilities... “everything happens for a reason” and all that jazz (if one more person says that to me, FYI, they will be punched in the face)….

BUT all that being said… its almost the New Year… and I can’t really mope around the house for much longer.  And since I can’t really do a damn thing about discovering who I am in a relationship, I am just going to continue to fine-tune my single-self .

Below is my 2013 Manifesto

2013

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This year I will…

LIVE UP TO MY POTENTIAL

EAT MORE VEGETABLES FOR BREAKFAST - I WILL WORK OUT UNTIL IT SHOWS- DRINK GOOD COFFEE (& GOOD WINE)

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I WILL LISTEN,REALLY LISTEN,  TO OTHERS & 

TO MY HEART 

 WRITE OFTEN & MUCH     

 READ VORACIOUSLY 

 Smile More

 MEDITATE

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CULTIVATE MY YOGA PRACTICE

IMPROVE MY POSTURE

I WILL MAKE NEW MISTAKES

(& LEARN FROM THEM)

I WILL BE BRAVE & PATIENT & APPROACH NEW SITUATIONS WITH AN OPEN MIND & OPEN HEART

Brindle Bulldogs & I heart scoundrels... manifestations from my childhood.

Sometimes I'm convinced that pretty much my entire identity as an adult was shaped by my childhood fantasies… ok maybe not my entire identity, but I do have moments where I wonder how differently my life would have turned out if I had read different books, watched different movies, and was less of a “nerd” growing up.

Overall, I think it is good to fantasize… growing up in a small town in Montana there were a lot of things I dreamed about… When I was in high school I often fantasized about being twenty something, wearing knee high boots, and not being stuck in a petty nightmare… I won’t go into too many details, but high school was kind of a nightmare, and it was good to be able to dream about what might come next.

But long before that, I was just a nerdy kid reading Little House on the Prairie, and watching Star Wars pretty much constantly. And I didn’t really realize it until a few weeks ago… but this explains A LOT.

Firstly, I have wanted a bulldog for pretty much as long as I can remember. I have no idea when the obsession started, or why I wanted one… but I’ve known for what seems like forever that there was a bulldog sized hole in my heart.  So a few weeks ago when one of my dear friends told me she was re-reading the Little House series, and started to talk to me about Jack the Brindle Bulldog something clicked in my brain. Is this why I’ve always had this inexplicable yearning for a trundly little pet? (Toby even has brindle patches) I didn’t even remember that there was a bulldog in the books, but I do remember playing “Little House” pretty much constantly when I was growing up, and basically wanting to be Laura Ingalls-Wilder… it makes sense that a bulldog would somewhat complete the picture… I no longer have a desire to be a Pioneer woman… and I don’ t think Toby or I would survive on the prairie…   But just think how differently my life might have turned out if I had been more into reading The Babysitters Club… (confession, I did read a few of them)  I might have been a cooler tween, and maybe more of an entrepreneur… and I might not have this weird little grunty pet sitting next to me right now… (Side tangent regarding the bulldog. I just gave Toby a bath, and my brother is convinced that his shampoo smells like Patchouli… it actually kind of does, but then everyone else in my family had no idea what Patchouli was or smelled like, and then both my brother and I felt slightly weird that we did… Patchouli is a pretty standard scent right? Most people know what that smells like, or that it is even a scent? Sure it’s a little hippie… but how the hell my brother and I both know what it smells like and the rest of my family doesn’t is totally beyond me… )

And then there is my Han solo obsession. Granted, this is not unique… it's Han Solo for crying out loud, everyone loves Han Solo.  But after some recent life developments, I’m starting to understand that a girlhood crush on Han Solo, might have actually lead to my grown up taste in scoundrels. I didn’t really realize that I had a thing for scoundrels until a few weeks ago when there was a post-Thanksgiving Star Wars marathon on TV. I have literally seen the movies more times than I can count… and somewhere stored  deep in my subconscious is a vault filled with trivial Star Wars factoids… I think I’ve mostly repressed it, but I used to be able to tell you which planets obscure characters were from, and once when I was 12 I’m pretty sure my BFF and I tried to learn to speak Huttese from listening to Jabba the Hutt and reading subtitles… GIANT GIANT NERD... I'm digressing. Anyway I’ve mostly left that behind me… mostly. 

But I found myself getting caught up in the TV-marathon as I was kind of in a post-holiday glum, and there is that moment in the Empire Strikes Back where they fly into the asteroid field, and things are getting turbulent, and Han pulls Leia into his arms and says “You like me because I'm a scoundrel. There aren't enough scoundrels in your life” and she protests with “I happen to like nice men” but of course it is all a ruse… because in that very moment you know quite well that she is all about this scoundrel Han Solo…   

I didn’t realize it when I was a kid, but as I was watching this scene unfold a few weeks ago I realized quite clearly that this was the scene that made me fall head over heels for Han Solo… This is the scene that sent my nerdy little heart racing for the first time. This is the scene that made me start thinking about boys and romance, and dreamy scoundrel space pilots… Long before I even knew about Indiana Jones… Long before I was even ready to admit that boys weren’t gross, there was this moment…  And I’ve been chasing after scoundrels ever since.   

Why did Han Solo have to be such a bad ass? I mean really when you think about it, he is kind of a jerk…  Leia is finally ready to admit that she actually does love him, and all he can say is “I know”. But honestly, I tend to clutch my chest in a moment of pure swooning every time I watch that scene. I can hear the soundtrack in my head, and in my mind it is the epically romantic moment…and really, how f’ed up is that? He is being a giant jack ass, and somehow this makes me swoon? Damn you Han Solo and your scoundrel ways… this is not what anyone wants/ needs in a man!  ( though if you read some of the Star Wars novels, which of course I have, they always reference this moment as like the secret inside joke that Han and Leia always remember, and they both say “I know” to each other with secret longing and an understanding… again, in case there was any doubt, I’m a giant nerd).  And I’ve had men say this to me… and once again, kinda melted my heart… I mean come on, any guy who is making romantic Star Wars references, and knowing that your nerdy self will greatly appreciate a romantic Star Wars reference... I mean brownie points for getting you, right? But then again maybe not, because really, it is just a scoundrel move… and one that I apparently eat up, because, let’s face it, it was decided when I was hitting adolescence that Han Solo was my dream man… and 15 years later I wonder why I date the kind of men that I do? I’m not complaining… FYI, I just found it very eye opening to realize that I do indeed have a type, and it probably stems from watching The Empire Strikes Back one too many times…

I don’t really know where I’m going with this… but it’s interesting to look back on my childhood and see how things have manifested in my adult life. I’m quite glad I turned out the way I did… and I’m pretty sure that my love of bulldogs and scoundrels makes my life that much more interesting.

Resting Pose

Resting Pose

In yoga, we rest on our right side

to honor and protect our hearts.

At your place, we sleep on our right sides,

me the little spoon, you the big.

To be this close, breathing together, tangled up

Holding each other, arms and legs …

I keep telling myself we sleep this way

so we can silently drift off

to late night tv…

But really, I’d like to think

we sleep this way,

you and me,

to honor and protect our hearts,

and maybe we partially do… or maybe we partially did. 

Tayler A. Brisbin 2012