Reflecting and looking forward

As 2012 quickly draws to a close, I’ve been spending a lot of time reflecting. It’s so funny how this time of year people seem to get caught up in setting resolutions, getting fit, deciding that this next year is going to be the year! I’m guilty of it too… always living in the future, and never really focusing on the present moment. Realistically I do set minor resolutions every year… sometime they stick, and sometimes they don’t. Really, I’m more about working on little things daily, and think it is mostly unrealistic to set a resolution for an entire year… sure I have things I’d like to change about myself, and things I’d like to work on… but who says they have to be determined on January 1^st?

Actually, since my birthday is in June, I tend to set minor New Years resolutions, and then when my birthday rolls around 6 months later it’s a time to be able to refresh and think “ok what do I want to do with this next year of my life”  it’s almost like getting a do-over if I’m totally slacking…

Overall, I’m not really sure what to make of this past year. Fairly early on in the year my dad pulled me aside and told me that this was going to me my year. He admitted he had no idea what that meant, and that he felt like God had told him that. And really, this year was fairly epic. I moved into a house that I love, I applied to graduate school, I unexpectedly fell in love, I met and connected with some amazing people, I pushed myself, and I was able to take some time to really figure out what my priorities are, and what I want in my life. So really who is to say that it wasn’t my year? Yes, things didn’t really turn out the way I had hoped they would, and mostly I’m just left feeling frustrated and vulnerable and exceptionally lonely… which is kind of exactly where I started the year. Then again… maybe I still have another 6 months for things to fall into place.

I’ll try not to bring everyone down with my pretty much constant state of glum… I know it’s a process, and I’ll snap out of it eventually. Life goes on, heartbreaks mend, I’ll go back to work in a few weeks and be able to throw myself into projects… It’s what I do every year, but at least it keeps me going. But  really what I’m trying to focus on now is what I have learned about myself through this year… and actually its good. After working in the wedding industry for the past four years, I’ve become a little bit jaded. Or at least I thought I had. I was totally cynical about love, weddings, acts of romance… and I still mostly am. I do not want a trail of rose petals or breakfast in bed, I think giant weddings are a nightmare, and think that anyone who hires a dj should be punched in the face (sorry to all you djs out there… ) But this year I discovered that there is that type of all consuming inexplicable love out there that sort of melts you in ways you never expected… and all of a sudden I was thinking about my life in ways I never had before.  For the first time, the idea of a future with someone seemed to fit seamlessly, and it was like I didn’t even realize that my life didn’t make sense before I met this person… and I know that heartbreak isn’t something new… but I’m in this place right now where I can still see the before and after… and its really hard to try and settle back into the “before.”

To say that my life didn’t make sense before this person isn’t exactly what I mean. I’m really secure in who I am, and what I’m doing, and the type of person I am, and the type of person I want to be. Life was fine before I met this person, and life will be fine now… but “fine” is so banal. Who wants to go through life if things are just fine? Shouldn’t we all be actively pursuing a life that is extraordinary?  Again, trying to no lose sight of this… and I know that I still am the master of my own fate… that I can still live an extraordinary life on my own, and am trying to do this, maybe not on a daily basis (I can’t really claim  that I’ve striving for this recently, since I’ve  been in sweatpants for almost 3 days… ) But what I am realizing is that I’m over the whole “going through life alone” thing. Sure it offers a lot of freedom, and I’ve had time to be really selfish and go after my own goals, and establish my own identity, and become really comfortable with who I am… and I’m over it. I am so ready to commit, to start living a life with someone else, to merge schedules and interests, and resources, and to get wrapped up in someone else’s life for a change. I want to be attentive to someone else's needs and wants… because I know who I am on my own… and haven’t really ever had a real chance to figure out who I am when I’m with someone… and I’m so ready for that.

And I got a glimpse of it, and just when things started to get interesting, and real it all fell apart. Maybe what I’m trying to get at, is that this year opened up my eyes to see how things could be… and let me tell you, it’s hard to go backwards. It’s hard to just stand by and let your life go back to the way it was… it’s especially hard when it is not by choice… I mean, who knows… maybe the events of this year were just a precursor to open me up to new things and new possibilities... “everything happens for a reason” and all that jazz (if one more person says that to me, FYI, they will be punched in the face)….

BUT all that being said… its almost the New Year… and I can’t really mope around the house for much longer.  And since I can’t really do a damn thing about discovering who I am in a relationship, I am just going to continue to fine-tune my single-self .

Below is my 2013 Manifesto

2013

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This year I will…

LIVE UP TO MY POTENTIAL

EAT MORE VEGETABLES FOR BREAKFAST - I WILL WORK OUT UNTIL IT SHOWS- DRINK GOOD COFFEE (& GOOD WINE)

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I WILL LISTEN,REALLY LISTEN,  TO OTHERS & 

TO MY HEART 

 WRITE OFTEN & MUCH     

 READ VORACIOUSLY 

 Smile More

 MEDITATE

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CULTIVATE MY YOGA PRACTICE

IMPROVE MY POSTURE

I WILL MAKE NEW MISTAKES

(& LEARN FROM THEM)

I WILL BE BRAVE & PATIENT & APPROACH NEW SITUATIONS WITH AN OPEN MIND & OPEN HEART