Brindle Bulldogs & I heart scoundrels... manifestations from my childhood.

Sometimes I'm convinced that pretty much my entire identity as an adult was shaped by my childhood fantasies… ok maybe not my entire identity, but I do have moments where I wonder how differently my life would have turned out if I had read different books, watched different movies, and was less of a “nerd” growing up.

Overall, I think it is good to fantasize… growing up in a small town in Montana there were a lot of things I dreamed about… When I was in high school I often fantasized about being twenty something, wearing knee high boots, and not being stuck in a petty nightmare… I won’t go into too many details, but high school was kind of a nightmare, and it was good to be able to dream about what might come next.

But long before that, I was just a nerdy kid reading Little House on the Prairie, and watching Star Wars pretty much constantly. And I didn’t really realize it until a few weeks ago… but this explains A LOT.

Firstly, I have wanted a bulldog for pretty much as long as I can remember. I have no idea when the obsession started, or why I wanted one… but I’ve known for what seems like forever that there was a bulldog sized hole in my heart.  So a few weeks ago when one of my dear friends told me she was re-reading the Little House series, and started to talk to me about Jack the Brindle Bulldog something clicked in my brain. Is this why I’ve always had this inexplicable yearning for a trundly little pet? (Toby even has brindle patches) I didn’t even remember that there was a bulldog in the books, but I do remember playing “Little House” pretty much constantly when I was growing up, and basically wanting to be Laura Ingalls-Wilder… it makes sense that a bulldog would somewhat complete the picture… I no longer have a desire to be a Pioneer woman… and I don’ t think Toby or I would survive on the prairie…   But just think how differently my life might have turned out if I had been more into reading The Babysitters Club… (confession, I did read a few of them)  I might have been a cooler tween, and maybe more of an entrepreneur… and I might not have this weird little grunty pet sitting next to me right now… (Side tangent regarding the bulldog. I just gave Toby a bath, and my brother is convinced that his shampoo smells like Patchouli… it actually kind of does, but then everyone else in my family had no idea what Patchouli was or smelled like, and then both my brother and I felt slightly weird that we did… Patchouli is a pretty standard scent right? Most people know what that smells like, or that it is even a scent? Sure it’s a little hippie… but how the hell my brother and I both know what it smells like and the rest of my family doesn’t is totally beyond me… )

And then there is my Han solo obsession. Granted, this is not unique… it's Han Solo for crying out loud, everyone loves Han Solo.  But after some recent life developments, I’m starting to understand that a girlhood crush on Han Solo, might have actually lead to my grown up taste in scoundrels. I didn’t really realize that I had a thing for scoundrels until a few weeks ago when there was a post-Thanksgiving Star Wars marathon on TV. I have literally seen the movies more times than I can count… and somewhere stored  deep in my subconscious is a vault filled with trivial Star Wars factoids… I think I’ve mostly repressed it, but I used to be able to tell you which planets obscure characters were from, and once when I was 12 I’m pretty sure my BFF and I tried to learn to speak Huttese from listening to Jabba the Hutt and reading subtitles… GIANT GIANT NERD... I'm digressing. Anyway I’ve mostly left that behind me… mostly. 

But I found myself getting caught up in the TV-marathon as I was kind of in a post-holiday glum, and there is that moment in the Empire Strikes Back where they fly into the asteroid field, and things are getting turbulent, and Han pulls Leia into his arms and says “You like me because I'm a scoundrel. There aren't enough scoundrels in your life” and she protests with “I happen to like nice men” but of course it is all a ruse… because in that very moment you know quite well that she is all about this scoundrel Han Solo…   

I didn’t realize it when I was a kid, but as I was watching this scene unfold a few weeks ago I realized quite clearly that this was the scene that made me fall head over heels for Han Solo… This is the scene that sent my nerdy little heart racing for the first time. This is the scene that made me start thinking about boys and romance, and dreamy scoundrel space pilots… Long before I even knew about Indiana Jones… Long before I was even ready to admit that boys weren’t gross, there was this moment…  And I’ve been chasing after scoundrels ever since.   

Why did Han Solo have to be such a bad ass? I mean really when you think about it, he is kind of a jerk…  Leia is finally ready to admit that she actually does love him, and all he can say is “I know”. But honestly, I tend to clutch my chest in a moment of pure swooning every time I watch that scene. I can hear the soundtrack in my head, and in my mind it is the epically romantic moment…and really, how f’ed up is that? He is being a giant jack ass, and somehow this makes me swoon? Damn you Han Solo and your scoundrel ways… this is not what anyone wants/ needs in a man!  ( though if you read some of the Star Wars novels, which of course I have, they always reference this moment as like the secret inside joke that Han and Leia always remember, and they both say “I know” to each other with secret longing and an understanding… again, in case there was any doubt, I’m a giant nerd).  And I’ve had men say this to me… and once again, kinda melted my heart… I mean come on, any guy who is making romantic Star Wars references, and knowing that your nerdy self will greatly appreciate a romantic Star Wars reference... I mean brownie points for getting you, right? But then again maybe not, because really, it is just a scoundrel move… and one that I apparently eat up, because, let’s face it, it was decided when I was hitting adolescence that Han Solo was my dream man… and 15 years later I wonder why I date the kind of men that I do? I’m not complaining… FYI, I just found it very eye opening to realize that I do indeed have a type, and it probably stems from watching The Empire Strikes Back one too many times…

I don’t really know where I’m going with this… but it’s interesting to look back on my childhood and see how things have manifested in my adult life. I’m quite glad I turned out the way I did… and I’m pretty sure that my love of bulldogs and scoundrels makes my life that much more interesting.