Vegetable Lustiness

This fall I was visiting the Picasso Exhibit in Seattle, and one of the narrations on the audio guide described a self portrait of the artist as exuding overall lustiness.  I have since been anxiously awaiting ANY conversation in which I can drop the word into, and today I succeeded… sort of. Does it count if you use the word referring to yourself? Because I’m sure I was exuding quite a bit of lustiness towards our ordering of vegetable seeds at work today… (don’t judge me)

I think it is probably fair to say that all of us were experiencing some seed lust (which really isn’t as dirty as it sounds). At the end, we had selected 55 types of vegetables, 27 types of flowers, and 18 herbs that we were all pretty convinced we (and our customers) couldn’t live without.  Thankfully, our boss was able to lend an editing eye, as she pointed out that we probably didn’t really need four different types of chard, but we were able to hold onto the five different varieties of sweet peas. 

As an apartment dweller, I have to garden vicariously through my parents and co-workers… I have a few containers on my porch, but as I am looking at new apartments, it is anyone’s guess as to what sort of growing space I might have this summer. The second we started ordering seeds I forgot about yesterday’s Loft Apartment tragedy, and again became wistful over the idea of land and open spaces. Visions of raised beds and gourmet vegetables were dancing through my head. It also doesn’t help that I just started reading “The Dirty Life” which is all about a New York Journalist who meets a famer, falls in love, and gives up city life for farming with her husband. As she describes her rustically charming farmer, who seduces her with gourmet cooking, you cannot help but hate and envy her at the same time. Excuse me, but where is my dream lover making me a salad of watermelon radishes and pomegranate seeds? This doesn’t really happen in real life, does it? I have yet to find it, but at least I know that someone out there has… in the meantime, please god, can we order the watermelon radishes? (I don’t even like radishes, but the way in which they were described in this book was pure food porn)

My current apartment has a giant yard… giant and full of nothing but grass. I tried to broach the topic of raised beds with my landlord, thinking that if anything it would raise the property value… who doesn’t like vegetable gardens? Especially since the house I live in is set up in three separate apartments. This house will always be an apartment (three separate entrances, three separate kitchens) I realize we are all on a month to month lease, and I can understand the hassle of inheriting a garden that your tenants left you… sort of (I mean really, the very thought of someone leaving me a garden full of heirloom vegetables doesn’t really seem like a problem!) I’d be willing to sign a release form, or some sort of legal document agreeing to take all responsibility for the removing of said vegetable garden before moving out (unless the other tenants were crop sharing). My landlord tried to appease me by telling me it would be fine if I wanted to grow a few things in pots… She probably felt my eye-roll through e-mail… as my porch is covered in nothing but pots full of vegetables, flowers, and herbs… So much to the point where she instructed me that I should not put any more planters out… It seemed futile to try to describe to her how it was  hard enough to grow pole beans and cucumbers out of a container… let alone leeks, potatoes, tomatillos, and a all the other vegetables that I am lusting after…

I am gardener, trapped in an apartment dwellers body… and I am full of vegetable lustiness.

Minor Setbacks

So after putting my apartment list out into the universe, I stumbled upon the perfect listing. I couldn't believe it... I had actually been on a waiting list for an apartment in the same building, and thought my timing had been off, when low and behold another opening! Fate! Or so I thought!  I promptly called the property management company to set up a viewing and they told me the soonest I could see the place was today at 1PM. In the meantime I looked at pictures, starting looking at the application, made a pros and cons list (the pros way outnumbered the cons) and started mentally moving my stuff over. I was so excited to see the place today, I figured I would look at the apartment, drop off my application, go pick up some boxes and start packing....

One hour before I was supposed to view the apartment I got a call saying that someone had turned in a completed application, and that I was out of luck.... I was crushed! Firstly, because I have rented with this particular property management company before, and the last time they had given me a heads up when someone else showed an interest in the same property that I did... I also felt dismayed since I had at one time been on a waiting list, and had asked repeatedly what I needed to do to follow up with that, and they assured me that having my phone number was enough. I called the second I found out the property was listed, and I set up an appointment 5 days ago! When I called to set up the appointment I told them I was interested, and no one mentioned to me that it would be in my best interest to submit an application before viewing the property...and since I had the first available appointment, I just assumed that meant I was first in line... I assumed wrong.

Ok, so I realize that mentally putting my furniture into an apartment I've never seen, and spending hours looking at design blogs and paint colors isn't exactly living in the present moment. But it was a wonderful distraction from the funk that I've been sitting in for the past month... All I could think about what what things I was going to give to goodwill, what room I was going to pack first, what my work schedule was like, what my moving date would be... I was prepared to send in my 30 day notice with my rent check... I was putting all the money I would save in rent into my savings account.

I may or may not have yelled at the woman who was supposed to show me the property... and I may have cried... which of course makes me look like the most credible renter around... I know I know, I shouldn't have put all my eggs in one basket so to speak... I was just so ready for a change, and thought this was going to be the perfect thing. And I missed it by an hour! And maybe missing out on an apartment that I've never seen shouldn't be that big of a deal... but it was to me... Though I still think 2011 will have a lot of positive changes... this was a major setback for me emotionally.

Of course everyone around me is convinced that something better will come along, and it wasn't meant to be, and that is probably true, but it doesn't make it any less disappointing. It's so frustrating when everything that you try to change about your life seems to fall flat. Here I am craving change, craving a project, trying to do things differently, and yet everything that I try to change just seems to not work out. I know that things might work out, the applicant could miraculously be rejected, or I could find another apartment next week... its just frustrating when I am at this point in my life when I have weeks off of work, am completely restless, and have nothing but time on my hands, and am actively wanting to move, and its just not happening...

Meanwhile, in attempting to make the best of the situation I asked my currant landlord if I could paint (nothing crazy, something tasteful) and if I could put in a garden in the yard... both were rejected. Leaving me to realize that even though the place from today might not be where I'm supposed to end up, neither is the place that I'm living. Its usually times like this that I start to question my karma... can I please just win one? True, I know that a new apartment isn't going to make up for the lost relationship (I'm not as much depressed about that as I am about the loss of the friendship)  but at least it would be a change of my choosing.

I supposed I could start getting rid of things, and collecting boxes, but frankly, it just seems depressing when there is nowhere to go. So here I go, back on the apartment prowl, kicking myself for letting this apartment slip through my fingers twice!

Some Resolutions

Hello 2011…

I’ve been thinking about what to write, a summary of 2010, how I feel about resolutions, what ones I might try to make myself… it somehow feels like it should be categorized into several (especially since one of my potential resolutions is to blog more frequently… this could be three days worth of material!) But as they all fall under the same general theme I suppose I can compile it into one.

2010 was, generally speaking, an amazing year for me. Though tumultuous as times, I feel like this past year was one of the most productive and insightful years I’ve had. I started doing more things for myself, and did a lot of soul searching and self-discovery.  I went to Fenway Park, and helped create a local writing festival. I completed yoga school, ran a half marathon, and got a tattoo. I fell in love with my job this past year, and I also fell in love… all fairly monumental things.

2010 was also the year that I did not get into graduate school, that I was evicted from my dream apartment, that I lost some key friendships, and also had my heart broken.

I feel like I laughed more, and also cried more this past year than ever before. (in a completely non-manic depressive sort of way). And I’m curious and optimistic about what 2011 has in store (already I’m looking at starting a new career, and perhaps another move!)

As far as resolutions go, I’m not the biggest fan of them. Well ok, at least the idea of them. I think its slightly ridiculous to set year long goals… its like setting yourself up for failure.I think weekly, and monthly goals are much more attainable, and also rewarding. I might not be able to commit to flossing my teeth every day for a year, but a month? You can do almost anything for a month… and once you get past that month its so much easier to continue in your everyday routine. I think the odd of being successful with short term resolutions is much higher, and therefore that much more rewarding. Plus, if you fall off the wagon, or don’t quite live up to your goals, there is always next month… (which is far less depressing than getting to the end of a year and realizing that all the good intentions you had for yourself never made it past January).  All that being said, I do have a few goals for 2011.

I actually try to come up with resolutions before the New Year, and secretly start integrating them into my life mid December… then when the New Year rolls around, I’m already sort of in gear, and working on things… When I start, it’s not yet a resolution, so there isn’t much pressure, and after the 1^st it doesn’t feel like something new, so there isn’t a ton of adjusting.

My first goal for the year is to live more in the present. I am constantly projecting into the future, looking forward to next week, next vacation, next class, next next next… and I often dwell in the past as well. In 2011 I want to focus more on the day to day, and live in each moment. I know I will still look forward to things, and I think that is perfectly normal, but I’m going to attempt to stay more grounded and active in the present.

I’m going to drink more water… I say this every year… I still think it is a good idea… I’m still working on it.

I am going to read more. I have really been struggling lately with books. I can’t seem to find ones that really captivate me, and so I’ll pick one up, read the first three chapters or so, and then put it down and never pick it back up. This year I’m giving myself permission to discard the books that don’t peek my interest. I always feel really guilty when I start a book and don’t finish it, and then I feel like I cannot start another one until I’ve given the current selection due diligence… I understand that this is flawed… There are so many wonderful books out there, just waiting for me to read them, and it’s unfair to myself to get bogged down by something that doesn’t stimulate me. I’m going to read more, and read things that beg me to keep the pages turning, and leave the unfinished books for another time. I’m wiping the slate clean, shelving my 2010 book list, and starting fresh.

I’m going to try to blog more regularly. This may or may not happen, and I’m not going to beat myself up about it if I don’t… life happens. But I’m going to try.

I’m going to attempt to make more local friends… I haven’t quite figured out how this will work… but I’ve got a year. I really crave social interaction outside of work that doesn’t involve driving 2 hours round trip… I want local people that I can grab coffee with or meet for lunch during the week.

I’m going to try to save more money in 2011… and to counter balance that, I’m also giving myself permission to indulge a little bit (yes friends, we will be eating at Marrakesh this year).

I’m also re-introducing some cardio into my life… I wouldn’t say that I’ve let myself go after the half-marathon (hello I still do 6 hours of yoga a week) but I can honestly say that I have not been running since September. A healthy life is all about balance, and I’m going to try to be more diligent about getting in some cardio at least once a week… Even if that just means dancing around my house in my underwear. (just kidding… its way to cold for that right now).

Do I have other goals for the next year? Sure. Will I accomplish all of these? Who knows… it doesn’t seem impossible.

What I miss most about Friday's

I have lived in McMinnville for almost eight years… so it is interesting that it has only been in the last six months that I’ve really started to have a sense of community. I’m not sure why it took it so long to fall into place, but I’m finally to the point where I see people that I know at the Farmer’s market, run into acquaintances at restaurants, and can usually find someone to stop and talk to as I was down Third Street. But as we are headed towards 2011, I am already starting to feel a void in my community setting…

I think the cause is two-fold… 

Firstly, my seven months yoga program is coming to an end. Though I still have strong ties to my yoga studio and the people in it… there was a core group of us who spent a significant amount of time together every week. Not only did we have our teacher training class together, but there would always be familiar faces sprinkled into yoga classes throughout the week. Now that we have all taken our tests, and most of us are finished, or close to finishing up with our required hours, the familiar faces are becoming less frequent. I suddenly have a three hour chunk of free time on Wednesday afternoons. What was once filled with study, and interaction, and philosophical discussions is now a wide open space. I still have about fourteen hours of class-time left, and as I head to class daily I keep expecting to see my fellow teacher trainers… and I do, but with far less frequency. In some cases that is probably good… there was no one I was really close to in class on Tuesday when I started openly crying (hip openers + emotional day= tears in yoga, and lots of them). But I miss my partners in crime… especially since we are all getting ready to go out and start teaching… These are my people, and we have had an awful lot of similar experiences, and we are all mostly going through the same thing right now.

Over the past few months I also started making new friends through Friday Morning Networking… And I still go, but post-breakup it’s a little different. We are all adults, but at the end of the day, they were his friends first, and his best friends… so while I was on my way to feeling like part of a group, I’m sort of back to “groupie” status. There are still smiles and hugs, and friendly chit chat, but its different. There are no more early morning coffee rendezvous, no impromptu stops for breakfast burritos before heading off to work. No walking to the post office before going out and starting the work day. No more being a part of someone else’s routine.  I know it’s weird that the part I miss most about Friday’s is walking to the post office after a refill of coffee, but it is. I miss the everyday moments of feeling like I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

In the long run, I know my “community” isn’t really going anywhere… it’s just shifting… and on some levels I have been craving a change… Its just too bad that the same time I’m starting my own endeavors I feel slightly estranged from all the young business owners I know. As I’m embarking on unknown territory I feel like there are fewer people to bounce ideas off of, and therefore less support. It’s partially in my head… and partially not. In the meantime I’m cursing the fact that I didn’t have him design my business cards three months ago, and am looking for something to do on Wednesday afternoons.

Putting Good Apartment Vibes out into Yamhill County

I've been feeling rather restless lately and as a result I have started looking for a new apartment. It's no secret that for the better part of six months I've been lusting after real estate. A place where I can plant things, paint the walls... have a proper dining room and an office... I am still a ways off from that, but I would like I place that feels more like "my place".  I think I am only being half serious about looking for a new place, because, lets face it, moving is not enjoyable... But when I moved into my current place almost a year ago it was a temporary solution... and now a year later I'm contemplating my options. There are actually quite a few things that I love about my current place... it is roomy, has a fantastic patio, a large bathroom... But it also has some oddities like indoor-outdoor carpet in the kitchen, a stove that is questionable... did I mention the indoor outdoor carpet in the kitchen?

Really if I could convince my landlord to let me paint, and put a garden out back, I could live with the carpet, but she is quite strict about the colors and what we can and cannot do as far as painting and altering the building... I don't entirely understand this, as it was very poorly painted when I moved in (yes I want to add some color, but it would look better and I wouldn't leave drips all over the window frames and baseboards!). Since I do really hate moving, and I don't have an overwhelming list of complaints, I am on the search for the perfect apartment... something in my price range, that is unique, and allows pets (I like to keep my options open)  because it would have to be perfect for me to start packing boxes and sorting through closets.

Though I have yet to find exactly what I am looking for, I am holding out hope. I have, in fact, lived in my dream apartment once before, and though circumstances wouldn't allow me to stay, that taste of quirky perfection has given me hope that I can find something similar once again. So I'm putting out good apartment vibes into the universe, and I'm seeing what happens.

My criteria are as follows:
Yamhill County... Yes I love Portland. But I am a country girl at heart, and I love love love the Willamette Valley... I am also employed in the Willamette Valley, and am not a morning person, and I hate commuting, so I'd rather not move away from work. That being said, I wouldn't mind being a tad bit closer to Portland.

No  apartment complexes. I understand that they are affordable and spacious, and come with things like dishwashers... All of these things are tempting, but I really hate the idea of being in a cookie-cutter lifestyle. I have nothing against complexes, or people who live in them, I've can't picture myself living in one right now. I think I could handle an apartment building... but really I'm hoping for an apartment in a house, or a loft... something unique.

Not more money than my currant apartment. If I'm going to move, I'd like it to be a good financial decision as well. I don't want to pay more than I'm paying right now (which is a shame, since I've found some stellar places just out of my price range)

I want a pet... Maybe not today, maybe not in the next 6 months... but I'm holding out hope that 2011 is the year that I finally get a bulldog... I don't want to be in a lease anywhere that cannot be flexible about that, or at least not open negotiating about a dog.

No Carpet in the Kitchen, plenty of storage space... extra super bonus points for a dishwasher (though it isn't required) and extra super-duper bonus points for a garbage disposal  (I like composting as much as the next person, but if you had seen the Tupperware full of what was once pasta that I pulled out of my fridge today you would understand the need for a garbage disposal. Somethings just need to go away, quickly and painlessly)

My last apartment had a yellow kitchen... it was cheery and wonderful, and I'd like it back... I'd be willing to break the rules now,and just paint everything back when I move out, but my kitchen has some serious seventies wall-paper (why is all the weird stuff in the kitchen?) I don't really need to paint the kitchen... but I do want to paint.

Really, I'm not asking for a lot here... something quirky, original, affordable... and different than what I have now.  (yes, I'm working on contentment, and living in the moment... but I'm also embracing change) Dear Universe, please hand me the classifieds.

Awkward Holiday Encounters

It wouldn’t be the holidays without some sort of awkward string of events. Everyone has stories and anecdotes about interesting family encounters and conversations and here are a few of mine from this weekend.

Every year I buy myself new underwear around the holidays. Generally it is more practical than anything else, and buying it for yourself definitely beats unwrapping underwear from your stocking on Christmas morning.  My new skivvies arrive in the mail just in time for Christmas, and as any girl would feel comfortable doing, I send a text message to my best friend telling her about my new bra. Only technology turned against me, and instead I ended up texting my ex-boyfriend. For the record, this is not the first time my so called “smart-phone” has pulled up the wrong person… In retrospect it is actually pretty funny, but at the time was really dis-heartening. Mainly because we are still in that awkward place of not really being friends, and I still struggle with wanting to tell him things about my life, and then of all the things I could have shared with him, I accidentally text him about a push-up bra/ how ridiculous it is? I should not be surprised, this is my technology karma coming back to bite me in the ass. At least I realized my mistake about a few moments, and attempted to recant, or at least tell him that it really was a technology malfunction, and not me being a psycho. I’m not sure if he believes that or not. On the bright side, I really do love the bra. I might want to crawl into a hole & wallow in my embarrassment, but at least my tatas will look good while I’m at it.

My next holiday snafu was at Christmas Eve Dinner. I was at a restaurant with my parents, and once we had reminisced about past holiday memories, the conversation was turning towards work. I started to change gears, and began talking about an episode of Radiolab that I had recently re-listened to on the topic of Deception. It is one of my favorite episodes, and I was explaining to my parents how there is a study that people who deceive themselves are actually happier and more successful in life. So I was giving examples, and citing specific things, and I mentioned how the baseline test in this study was asking people a series of questions that in general everyone denies like if you have ever had a fantasy about raping someone, or being raped, or if you have ever contemplated suicide to get back at someone… As I am explaining this, I look up and every single person sitting at the next table is staring at me with a somewhat perplexed and horrified look. It’s not like I was talking loudly or over emphasizing, but it was one of those moments where eavesdroppers entered the conversation at the wrong time, and so there I was, the girl in the restaurant talking about suicide and rape on Christmas Eve. It really is a great episode though; I highly recommend listening to the podcast.

Next was when my family was looking up movie times, and out of nowhere my dad says “It really is too bad about Lindsay Lohan” at which point my parents enter into a five minute long conversation about how much they liked her in the Parent Trap, and contemplating where her life went wrong. I’ve never really known my parents to be big into pop-culture… and though I love my family dearly it was a bit of a letdown to discover that neither of my parents recognized the name Pablo Neruda, and yet they could carry on a conversation about the life and trials of Lindsay Lohan.

Happy Holidays.