I will make you dinner...

I have been un-intentionally neglecting my blog lately.  What with the spring season at work, PR projects, not to mention the Terroir Creative Writing Festival, I’ve been feeling like all of my creative energy has been diverted elsewhere. Things needed to be done, and someone needed to do them, and so my own creative endeavors were pushed aside, and free time was spend doing things that really needed to be done, like sleeping, and laundry. Now that I am on the other side of Terroir, and breathing a little easier, I’m ready to once again write. (though let’s be honest, I’m totally distracted by my vegetable garden… and have essentially been hemorrhaging money on plants over the past week or two)

I’ve been reading through past blog posts, and am realizing just how cyclical life is. Just like seasons, and holidays, I feel as though each spring, my writing returns to plants, new growth, life changes, desires. And here I am contemplating all of that again. And in looking back at it all, I’m wondering what really has changed? Yes, I’ve moved, I finished school, I’ve started my own business, I’ve had my heart broken, I’ve been up and down and in-between, and yet miraculously I’m feeling pretty much the same as I was a year ago… which is a feeling just this side of restless.

I’ve been eating a lot of meals with my parents lately… its mostly good, and rather convenient… but there is always this little nagging voice in the back of my head that is saying “ok you are twenty-five, there are other places you should be”. But the sad thing is, I eat over there, because it is far less lonely than cooking dinner by myself. I love to cook, and also enjoy spending some time alone, but it somehow seems unbearable at dinner time. I can turn on a movie, or listen to news, or open a book, but in my opinion, meals are meant to be shared, and when you live alone, are single, and have very few local friends, it’s kind of a bummer.  Most of my existing friends don’t have this problem. They are either married, are in long-term relationships, have roommates etc. 

It’s a little hard to explain without making it seem like I’m complaining about life, because I’m not. My job is great, my apartment is ideal, and even though Terroir added a lot of stress to my life, it was also really rewarding to be involved with the whole process. And truth be told, a good part of my social life over the past 4 months has been wrapped up with Terroir as well. And now that I have more free, time, fewer meetings, and less “creative interaction” I’m realizing that what I am really craving in my life are more local friendships.

Last Friday, I was feeling so frazzled from Terroir, I could feel my body practically breaking down from the stress. I was working long hours, and to top it all off, I got into a fight with my mom… and I essentially had a meltdown. All I wanted to was to grab a beer with a friend, and vent for a bit… and sadly there was no one around, no one to call, and then the loneliness added to the already existing stress. And the only local-ish person I could think of was my ex-boyfriend, and even though we are in that weird in-between stage where we certainly aren’t friends, but also are trying to not be incredibly awkward around each other, he still managed to be supportive during my meltdown. There I was, spending my Friday night in a melt-down, getting pep-talks via text message from my ex… Granted, it was everything I needed, and maybe we are now one step closer to being friends in real life, and I’m really appreciative of the support… but it also really solidified for me, my need for a few local friends. Because, as nice as it was, I cannot call him whenever I have a fight with my mother, or freak out about work, or if I want someone to make dinner with…

My existing friends ARE great. We get each other, and the time we spend together is grand. But I have no local friends to speak of, and so the time I do get to spend with my friends is often very calculated and planned out in advance. None of us are great about talking on the phone, and when we do, it is usually to plan something. And yet with technology being what it is, I feel as though I’m pretty in-tune with what people are up to, and can just check in on Facebook, or read a blog, to feel as though I’m actually interacting with my friends… it’s sort of pathetic, but I know they feel the same way about me. When we actually see each other it is great, and we still connect… but living  at least an hour away, our connections don’t happen quite as often as they used to. Blame it on work schedules, gas prices, lack of vehicles, lack of time… but it’s getting harder and harder to drive up to the city for a random happy hour, or brunch, or outing. We have occasional dinners, and I have monthly meetings, and a few random work-free weekends which take me to spend with my friends… but with the distance and the schedules, spontaneous coffee dates and hang out sessions are usually out of the question. And I miss that! But at the end of the day, commuting to see my friends seems so much more realistic than commuting to work on a daily basis, and so much of what I love about my current situation is wrapped up in the community that I live in… what can I say, I want to live where I live, and work where I work, AND hang out with my friends, and sometimes it gets a little complicated.

Last week my bestie texted me  to inform me about Frappuccino Happy Hour at Starbucks. However she neglected to tell me she was working on a free-lancing project, had started a new job, was interviewing for a different job, and that we would have to leave a little later than planned on our roadtrip next week. Though I was thrilled to find out about Frappucino happy hour, I began to wonder about how we build connections with people, and how we choose what information we share. I like to think that my friendships are not superficial… and yet part of me wants to question this. Would I be more connected if I lived closer? There is no doubt…

But we (my friends and I) mostly make it work. There are a lot of last minute gatherings that I can’t make it too, and things I miss out on, but for the most part, we all make an effort.

I’m not trying to be redundant, I know I have written about this before… but how exactly does one make new, local friends? I feel like most people I know are making friends through school, through work etc… I’m not in school, I work for a small company, (and we are friends, and we hang out some, but when you work with someone 6 days a week hanging out on the one day you don’t see them is somehow not as fun) and to be perfectly honest, most of the people in the yoga classes I attend are in their 50’s.  I am sort of an old-soul, but I still want someone my own age to hang out with now & then. I would love to start a book club, or a writing group… but the main question is, how do I find people to be in them?  I almost feel like I need to start spending my days off in local coffee shops with a sign around my neck that says “will you be my friend? I’ll make you dinner” Not really… but sometimes I feel like it.  I’m not ready for on-line dating, but I am envious of people who just get to put out there what they are looking for… I guess people can look up my facebook page and get a sense of what I’m about, but sometimes I wish I could post a want-ad for friends. (in a completely not weird/ non-creepy way)

I threw a house-warming party a few weeks ago. I ended up inviting an eclectic mix of people, some I knew really well, some I didn’t, in hopes that some acquaintances would develop into friendships, that people would come and mingle, that it would be a melding of existing friends, and potential ones… I invited people from work, people I know from coffee shops, people from networking, people who I want to be friends with… It was a good experiment, but in the end, only my existing friends showed up. I have no complaints, we drank bloody mary’s and had a smashing time, and I got to play hostess, which is always fun.  But I do wonder how it would have been different, if some of the other invitees had shown up. How the dynamic would have changed…

And then you have to realize that making new friends is essentially like dating. You have to get through all the awkward conversations, you have to feel a connection, you have to figure out if you are compatible, if you have common interests and if you are going to go through all the awkwardness of “dating” it seems like you might as well be reaping all the benefits! Sure, you might not have to shave your legs as often when you are after friendships… Maybe a more accurate term for what I’m looking for in my life is companionship… I don’t know if I want more friends, or a relationship, or both… but I do know that I’m tired of cooking for one.